Talonflame Might Be Running A Whole Arson Crime Ring

Talonflame Might Be Running A Whole Arson Crime Ring
Image: The Pokemon Company / Kotaku

Every Pokemon is interesting and worth talking about. I don’t play a ton of Pokemon, but I do enjoy the universe and I love learning more about the creatures in it. So, Here’s Another Pokemon! It’s Talonflame!

Talonflame Details

Type: Fire/Flying

Average Height: 3′ 11″

Average Weight: 24 kg.

First Added In Generation VI

Hey, how’s it going? Sorry, I’m a bit busy at the moment. But…I guess I can take a break from hiding out in this tall tree for weeks at a time to write up a silly Pokemon blog. If that’s what you want? (I’m not sure why I’m asking, you can’t respond.) Anyway, so I’ve been spying watching some Talonflame near me and I think I’ve cracked the biggest crime ring in years.

Talonflame starts fires, due to it dropping hot flaming embers from its body as it flies. But also, Talonflames wings and feathers are fireproof and are used by firefighters to make their suits and gear. So, I think Talonflames are actually running a giant scam where they cause fires and provide the firefighters with the fireproof materials they need to fight these flames. I have a board and everything, come over here and take a look.

Image: The Pokemon Company / Kotaku Image: The Pokemon Company / Kotaku

See, in some Pokedex entries listed on Bulbapedia, you learn that Talonflame’s fireproof wings are often used by firefighters to create fireproof uniforms. But also, in other Pokedex entries, it’s revealed to drop firey embers from its wings during flight. That’s a great way to start fires. And it got me thinking. What if this evil bird is actually starting fires and profiting off desperate firefighters who need more equipment to fight those very disasters. It all makes sense.

Now, I know some will point out that the Pokedex entries specifically mention that only firefighters in the past used the wings of Talonflame for their outfits. That’s a lie! A way to deceive people and to hide the truth. Now that you know that dark truth, I need to go back to my high-up perch and continuing spying on these evil birds. One day, I’ll catch them selling their feathers to firefighters. And then I won’t be the crazy person anymore!

IT WILL BE ALL THOSE WHO DOUBTED ME!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Random Facts

  • According to some Pokedex entries, Talonflame can fly as fast as 483 km/h. What are you running from, Talonflame? Justice!?
  • According to people I know who play Pokemon Unite, Talonflame is “OP as fuck” and “needs a nerf”.
  • I’m getting hungry up here in this tree. Please send me some food. And some Monster Energy drinks, too.

Best Comment From Last Week

“These articles have really shown me how many “If this Pokemon does/doesn’t X, it will die” Pokedex entries there are and it’s kind of dark.”

toxapecs

Pokemon’s creators love two things: Making fun, colourful creatures and creating evil, dark lore that will warp the minds of the youth. I respect that.

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