Welcome to my mind palace. I was just playing the recent-ish fighting game Guilty Gear Strive, and couldn’t stop noticing how all of the character portraits look like Tinder profiles. So, of course, I have chosen to sit down and create my own tier list, based on how successful and/or good I think these characters would be on the apps.
This tier list exists in the Ren-Zone, TKTK which is to say it will be lore ambivalent. I do not care who is dating or attracted to who in canon, unless it is funny or relevant to my Vibes-Based judgement strategy. For example, in the Ren-Zone, Giovanna is a lesbian who only claims to be attracted to Leo because she thinks she is supposed to find men like him attractive, which is the only explanation for any woman actually liking him. I mean look at the guy.
S-Tier
Zato-01
This man has a depression joke as the entirety of his bio. He has fully filled out his music tastes and Jesus, they are toxic. This is a man you want none of your friends to date, because he will ruin them. And yet…bi women love this dumb twink so much. They are just all about him. Look at his flowing hair and his femboy physique. And he’s depressed? Hot people who are also depressed are a uniquely dangerous breed. This man, much to my personal chagrin, absolutely fucks.
Goldlewis Dickinson
The quintessential bear. If Goldlewis Dickinson were a professional wrestler, his entrance theme would just be the Grindr notification sound. This man has had more sex than anyone else on the planet. His bodycount is an imaginary number.
Giovanna (Goth Mod)
This one is pretty self explanatory.
A-Tier
I-No
I-No lists her kinks directly in her bio and swipes right on anyone she sees. She barely matches with anyone because she is terrifying. The amount of confidence required to even like her on a dating app is almost incalculable, and she will devastate anyone she comes across. Toxic as all hell and she fetishizes twinks (namely Axl).
Anji (Twink)
Good, Twink Anji is doing great. His toned, hairless form, and impeccable dance skills do him a lot of favours on the apps. He has an outrageous crush on Goldlewis, which means he’s a bit pickier than he would otherwise be. This means fewer, better matches, which in all honesty is probably in his best interests. I respect this Anji, unlike the Deceitful Incel Anji.
Nagoriyuki
My bisexual vampire king. This man…this man absolutely does well on the apps. His fashion sense is impeccable, he’s great at letting his photos tell you a lot about him. He has this very real intensity to him, but when you look at him you cannot help but wonder if perhaps it hides a gentle and understanding core. I love this streetwear samurai. The only thing keeping him out of S-Tier is his mediocre bio but, again, his pictures tell a thousand words.
B-Tier
Giovanna (Standard)
Only slightly less hot than Goth Giovanna, but she falls to B-tier on account of not only being a cop, but being weird about it too. She takes any complaints about the police really personally, so much so that she has been asked to not return to her local lesbian bar because she won’t stop arguing with women she has never spoken to before, which is what drove her to the apps. Instead of confronting her complicitness in a broken system, she’s chosen to double down and it makes her profile kinda rancid.
Chipp Zanuff
Someone take this dude’s phone away. Not because his bio is bad, or because he’s a creep or something. He’s just way too online. He can talk about two things on dates: himself, or whatever meme or bit of Twitter discourse he just saw. You’ve never seen such a silly person take themselves so seriously, with zero warning as to which version of him you’re getting at any moment. Either commit to being a self-serious nerd, or be the shitposter in your heart. I promise you’ll be more romantically successful, Chipp.
Ramlethal Valentine
Ram is just an e-girl in training. I mean come on. She’s covered in belts and bandages, a lot of accessories, borderline an edgelord, and really good at commanding a room with her presence. Sadly, once you get to know her, you quickly realise the most interesting thing about her was her impeccable vibes, and that she has a lot of growing to do. Ram, I’m begging you, get another hobby other than just looking cool.
Millia
Millia’s phone will not stop blowing up. It is just a nightmare of notifications. She uninstalls the app weekly because of it. The other problem is that she is physically incapable of actually messaging anyone she’s matched with. To speak to another human being is a living nightmare! It is much easier to be hot and silent, and this is the difficult path Millia has chosen to walk.
Potemkin
The kind of dude Leo wishes he could be. Just a big heart in a massive, muscled body. Just wants to give you a hug.
Axl
Really hung up on his ex, but he doesn’t let it get too much in his way, unlike Sol. He’s doing ok, kinda in a dirtbag fuckboy phase, but he’s working on it! He’s a pretty, dirty boy and he deserves at least some respect for not being actively harmful to those around him.
C-Tier
Jack-O
Jack-O’s boyfriend Sol is letting her “play” (and yes, this word should make you feel gross) with other women, and while she doesn’t outright say that she’s looking for a third…she’s definitely just looking for a third. The most tragic part of all of this is that every one of her pictures makes you think, “Damn…she could do better.”
Leo
This guy??? This guy just sucks on ice. Just terrible. A fish in every photo, even ones where you wouldn’t expect it. All his friends look the racist kind of buff. Dreadful. Terrible. This is what a straight dude’s idea of what women are attracted to looks like.
Ky Kiske
He’s just looking for friends. It is not going well.
Faust
Faust runs multiple meme accounts, and uses all of them to impersonate different versions of the Joker. Batman: The Animated Series Joker, Heath Ledger’s Joker, Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker, and, even, the Venom “Punished” Jared Leto’s Joker. It is all harmless, if a bit cringe.
D-Tier
Anji (Incel)
The Shadowy — and closer to canonical — Incel Anji is obsessed with Baiken and it’s really gross! He manifests this obsession by inevitably berating any women foolish enough to actually match with him. Just terrible behaviour! Someone call this man’s mum to take him home, god.
Sol Badguy
You’ve heard of Wife Guys…now meet the Dead Wife Guy. This motherfucker loves his dead wife so much that he married her daughter-clone, after defeating his dead wife like six times. This motherfucker has a type and he superlikes them constantly, and then emotionally unloads all over them on the first date. That he had to defeat his wife in mortal combat is a terrible shame, but c’mon dude…get another personality trait other than, “I fought the Robo-Angel Reincarnation of my Dead Wife.” Maybe list a book you like or something. I dunno.
May
Her actual age is listed in her bio. That she is on this app at all is fucking gross. Ma’am get OUTTA here. I am begging you and your dolphins to leave. Your very presence makes everyone who comes across your profile uncomfortable. This is an intervention.
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