There’s just something about video game food that makes it so tantalising. Perhaps it’s the whole forbidden fruit factor — no matter how many Game Boy Advance cartridges you chew on, you’ll never really be able to taste the open-faced club sandwich from Dragon Ball Z: The Legacy of Goku II. If that sounds like I’m speaking from experience, well, congratulations, quite astute you are. Well done.
Anyway, I’m not in the business of boring my readers, so let’s jump straight into the meat of this sandwich, shall we?
Mushrooms from Mario Bros.
Since I was a wee child, all I’ve ever wanted to do was eat a Mario mushroom and run head-first into traffic. Is that too much to ask?
Bear stew from Red Dead Redemption 2
I didn’t much care for Red Dead Redemption 2. Honestly, I found it boring. Go on, cancel me. I don’t care. I’ll tell you what though, I’d cancel my own mother for a taste of that bear stew.
The bread from I Am Bread
In I Am Bread you play as a slice of bread on a mission to turn itself into toast. Where some see an intrepid protagonist, I see snack.
Rare Candy from basically every Pokémon game
As a young man, brash and brazen as I was, I’d immediately feed every Rare Candy I encountered to my Charmander. A fool I was. Why waste such a powerful, magical treat so early in the game, when levelling up was so easy anyway? As an older man, I grew in wisdom and thus learned to stockpile my Rare Candies, and feed them all to my Charizard at the gates of the Elite Four.
But now, as an even older and, I’d hope, wiser man, I yearn not to feed that sweet candy to my enslaved pocket monsters, but to instead ingest it myself. Imagine all I could accomplish if I let my Charizard starve and ate all the candy myself? Hell, I could leave my Pokémon at the Elite Four gates and fight Lance’s Gyarados myself, why, I’d give his Aerodactyl a wedgie, I would.
Senzu Beans from the Legacy of Goku games
I’m not a big fan of beans, never have been. But show me a Senzu Bean and you can bet your sweet dragon balls ima put that in my mouth.
The apples in Crash Bandicoot
Crash Bandicoot is one of my most beloved games. Some of my earliest gaming memories are playing with my sisters on our barely running original PlayStation, taking turns every time we’d die. For so long I was convinced Crash ate apples — I was aghast to discover in my adult life that no, he isn’t eating apples, but in fact, is consuming something called a Wumpa Fruit. How shattering. Alas, in my mind, Crash eats apples. Don’t believe the conspiracies.
Anywho. My friends, whomst amongst ust hasn’t, at least once, thought of consuming 100 apples in a row in order to gain an extra life? Anyone? Speak up cowards! I know it’s not just me. Oh, and in case you were wondering, my record is 47. 47 apples.
Nuka-Cola from Fallout
You ever have a refreshing glass of coke on a warm summer’s day and think to yourself, hey, you know what would make this even better? Radiation — hey, you and me both kid.
The cake from Portal
Some may say ‘the cake is a lie’ — an unattainable goal. Screw them, the cake is delicious, and I want it inside me right now.
Ichiraku Ramen from Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 4
The Skyrim cheese
I mean, must I say more? Look at it.
All the food from the Sushi-Go-Round mini-game in the OG Pokemon Stadium
Oh my word. It’s all so glorious, I want it all (yes, even the wasabi). Oh to be a Lickitung in a sushi buffet, life could be so simple.
Literally anything that appears in The World Ends With You
The original The World Ends With You on the Nintendo DS is one of my all-time favourite games. It had everything, intense story, enthralling and innovative gameplay, a funky soundtrack — but what I yearn for most is the food in the game. It all looks so damn good.
A bleeder burger from GTA IV
Burger Shot is a lovely establishment, I’m a big fan. What I want to try most is their Bleeder burger, and at $1 a pop, it’s a bloody bargain.
Hungry yet? Of course you are. Look, I know it sucks that we can’t eat all the food from our fave games — but I’ll tell you what doesn’t suck: we can take out our magic rectangles right now and have an insane variety of food brought right to our door just by pressing some buttons on delivery apps like DoorDash. It’s pretty sweet, maybe even sweeter than the apples from Crash. I guess we’ll never know.
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