Happy Easter, friends!
It is the season of celebrating that one time that a special bearded fella peaced out for a few days and then came back swinging. Ever since he decided to do that, we’ve been bestowed a few days off each year to get on our goofy shit, go buck wild, and find as many melted chocolate eggs in our grandma’s backyard. And a rabbit is there for some reason.
Why is the rabbit there? It seems like the Easter Bunny comes from German folklore in the 1700s, where a bunny that sometimes wears clothes copies Santa Claus and decides which children are wretched little beats and which are good little babies. In turn, the rabbit lays eggs to feed the good children, which is normal for rabbits.
In the spirit of the egg-laying rabbit that is the Easter Bunny and my mixed feelings on it, I thought it would be nice to compile a list of bunnies, rabbits, and in-game cosplays of such that appear in video games that I either hate with a burning passion, or would not trust to lay eggs for my non-existent children.
We will give them each a rating out of 5, with 5/5 being They Are Hands Down The Worst Fucker Alive, and 0/5 being We Respect Them But I Would Not Call Them Our Friend.
Zipper T. Bunny – 5/5
Evil vile creature. Evil, evil, wretched beast. I’m not even sure if I can call this monster a rabbit, but I will respect the suit regardless. Zipper T. Bunny from Animal Crossing is not only my most hated rabbit, but I do not trust the eggs he lays and I would not feed them to my children.
Not only is his Easter event a pain in my hiney, but there’s something about this guy. I don’t care for his shtick. If he truly is the Easter bunny, he would lay eggs for the good children, but if he is simply Some Guy In A Suit, where the fuck did he get those eggs?
He is dead behind the eyes. He is vaguely threatening to me. I do not like him, I do not trust him, and I wish him all the worst in his future endeavours, of which I hope there are very few and they are all bad. – Ruby
The Broodal Family – 4/5
Sometimes you come across deadshit children and wonder, “Why are they like this? Why are these children so foul and rotten?”. Then you meet their mother, who is a giant, rotund, well-dressed rabbit that has a weird golden dog that wears a hat just like hers, and it makes sense. These naughty children are a product of their evil mother.
I can’t actually say that I hate Super Mario Odyssey’s Broodal Family. I can respect that Madame Broode slays, and she dresses her children in fun and funky ways. However, I have little to no trust in their ability to lay eggs that wouldn’t be poisoned in some way or filled with spikes. Nefarious energy emanates from this family. – Ruby
Rabbids – 3/5
Ah yes, the Minions of the video game world. Rabbids. Annoying little rats. I hate them. However, in an interesting difference between the rest of the rabbits on this list, I actually… trust the Rabbids.
Rabbids are most commonly known as the troublemakers of the Rayman series, but they’ve also held their own in other self-titled games. I will say with confidence that the Mario + Rabbids games are actually very good. However, Rabbids enrage me with their antics. They get on my nerves with their shenanigans.
On the other hand, they seem mostly harmless and quite stupid. I trust them to take care of my children, and give them their eggs. They also most resemble a bird out of all of the rabbits on this list, so that makes the most sense to me. I still hate them, but I do not wish them the worst. – Ruby
Robbie the Rabbit – 1/5
Robbie is actually very cool. The Silent Hill mascot is a spooky scary guy, but notably minds his business. This makes me more inclined to say that I respect him and his hustle of just sitting around. I too like to sit around.
Unfortunately, I do not trust the eggs that he may lay. I think he casts fear into the hearts of children, and in turn they would probably not trust him to provide edible or safe Easter eggs. I would probably hang out with Robbie the Rabbit, but I don’t know about his eggs. – Ruby
That Rabbit From Super Mario 64 You Know The One – 5/5
A little shit. I hate him. Impossible to catch. All this nimble little jerk does is run around under the castle, evading my grasp. I will shake you until a Power Star falls out. – David
Cream The Rabbit – 2/5
Why is she called that? The decision to name her Cream makes me very uncomfortable because, in every other respect, she seems quite nice. I’m told her parents are called Vanilla and Cheese? Upsetting. I don’t know if she’s related to Bunnie Rabbot, who is the greater video game adjacent rabbit in the Sonic canon. She’s been showing up in Sonic media since Sonic Advance 2. – David
Reader Rabbit – 0/5
Reader Rabbit has never done anything wrong, ever. I owe him my life. We’re cool. – David
And that’s how I feel about the video game rabbits on this glorious Easter weekend. I hope you all head straight to your local supermarket post-Easter and get as much discounted chocolate as possible. Who did we miss? Rattle off your most-despised video game rabbits in the comments!
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