Like the great Wii Sports before it, Nintendo Switch Sports has some people playing silly buggers, and not in a fun way.
Far too many people are simply choosing not to heed the wrist-strap warnings, a decision swiftly followed by breaking all their own shit and getting mad about it. Friendships are being ruined by a game that is meant to be fun, it’s so sad! This is not how the game is meant to be played at all!
So how do we solve a problem like this? In the past, Nintendo has produced illustrated safety manuals to show users, in a commanding fashion, how not to use its Wii console. I thought I could save Nintendo some time and provide an illustrated Do’s and Don’ts list for Nintendo Switch Sports. This guide, I feel, can be be realistically applied to any Nintendo Switch game that asks you to get off your arse. You’re welcome, Nintendo.
DO: Put the wrist strap on your wrist
The game literally tells you to do this, and for good reason. What if you lose your Joy-Con? The Nintendo Switch Joy-Cons are small and petite, and putting the wrist strap on means that you will always know where it is. You look very Mondo Cool when you wear the wrist strap. It looks like a cool bracelet.
The Wrist Strap is also useful for when a black hole eventually appears in your vicinity. What if you grab onto something sturdy to prevent a tumble into the hole’s inexorable gravity well, but your Nintendo Switch Joy-Con is not properly secured via the Wrist Strap? It’s going to fly into the black hole, is what, and you will be on the hook for a new Joy-Con. They are expensive to buy separately! Entirely avoidable and very possible situation.
DO NOT: Put the wrist strap on your ankle
It is mighty brave of you to assume that your peers are interested in looking at your toes. The wrist strap is called the wrist strap for a reason, and this behaviour is completely unacceptable. Nintendo Switch Sports is not made for feet! What if you get fungus on it? Disgusting!
Anklets are no longer in fashion. This will look ridiculous. Not only that, but if you happen to have any gnomes living in your garden, this might tempt them to steal your Joy-Con because you have foolishly placed it within their reach, and they want to play Rayman Legends. If you’re not aware, when a gnome steals something from you, it is legally theirs. Know the risks, because they will not invite you to play with them.
DO: Have a fun time with your Nintendo Switch Sports playmates
There are many ways to play Nintendo Switch Sports. You can play alone, and get matched up with strangers online (who are NOT allowed to say naughty words to you), with your friends online, or via couch co-op. In all these modes, you are given the opportunity to win and have fun. Isn’t that beautiful? Shouldn’t we be grateful?
Playing games with your friends should be about having fun, so try to be a good sport! Don’t go easy on them, but don’t get too competitive! Who knows, if you play with your worstie, you might be able to turn them into your bestie. Have fun!
DO NOT: Put the Joy-Con in your opponent’s head because they beat you
Violence and insults are never the answer, you swine. Look what you’ve done. Your friend, enemy, or random that you pulled off the street to play Nintendo Switch Sports with you now has a Joy-Con lodged in their head. And you’re flipping them off too? What the hell, dude?
The situation now is that if you pull it out, their brains and blood and stuff are all gonna come out and it’s going to be super gross. Your bestie/worstie/randomie is so sad now. And for what? Because you have poor hand-eye coordination when it comes to badminton? They weren’t cheating, it wasn’t a glitch. And now they have a Brain-Con and can only have thoughts of Sexy Mario. For shame.
DO: Thank your television for showing Nintendo Switch Sports to you
Your TV is a real person and has feelings. Televisions are actually living things, and came to Earth years ago with a mission to show us stuff. It’s a noble mission that they’ve been doing for years, and they love doing it. Don’t ask about the wires that get put in them, it’s their business and I’d prefer not to explain the feeling they get from it.
More importantly, it’s vital that you appreciate what your TV is doing for you when you play Nintendo Switch Sports. The TV is showing you the game out of the kindness of its heart, so the least you could do is thank your TV for its service and let it know that you love it very much.
DO NOT: Kill your television with a Joy-Con
You monster. You’re sick. Why would you do this? Why would you put the pain on your television, who has loved you and provided you with things to look at for so long? This is the saddest thing to ever happen.
You should NOT kill your television with a Joy-Con, and definitely not tell it you hate it. Firstly, you shouldn’t do these things because they are putrid and cruel. Secondly, TVs are expensive and annoying to replace. I also heard from some guy who was trying to sell opened packets of Burger Rings on the street that if you put a hole in your television, all the guys living inside it like Tom Cruise and Homer Simpson will leak out of it and try to kill you.
Remember guys, safety first! Whenever you’re playing an active game, you should make sure you’re taking care of your surroundings, your playmates, and also yourself!
If you don’t heed these warnings, you may face a terrible, terrible fate, and find yourself on a path where there’s no turning back. So don’t be a goof!
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