How Not To Buy A PS5: My Illustrated Guide, You’re Welcome

How Not To Buy A PS5: My Illustrated Guide, You’re Welcome

You’re probably on the hunt to buy a PS5, and you know we’re always here to help you do that.

However, I’ve noticed that we haven’t yet told you how not to buy a PS5. You’re probably thinking, “Wait a second, there are things I shouldn’t do to buy a PS5?”. The answer is yes. In classic Wii User Manual fashion, I’ve decided to show you some key ways to not buy a PS5. Knowledge is the essence of humanity, and knowledge is power.

This piece originally ran on Kotaku Australia on December 2, 2021. It has been retimed as a weekend read. Also because it’s one of Ruby’s best yarns and I’m still laughing at it.

Do Not Sell Your Lesser-Loved Son

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia.

I know it’s tempting. Your son Binkle, who you do not like very much, seems like he could probably be an even trade for a PS5. He can perform menial tasks, he only stinks a little bit, and he recently learned how to read. Unfortunately, this act is generally looked down upon and over time, the person that took your lesser-loved son Binkle will realise that he is very annoying and might ask for the PS5 back.

Do Not Make A Deal With A Demon

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia.

This one can be really dangerous and is really a lesson in trusting strangers. An evil demon roams these lands, using bots to sweep up all the PS5 stock online. It seems fairly reasonable and charismatic, but the contract that it presents to you will take away your soul as well as control over your own body, which it will use to do evil deeds. Trust me, it is NOT worth it.

Do Not Sell Everything You Own For It

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia.

Buying a PS5 through a reseller and not directly through a retailer can sometimes be pretty pricey. While you may rack up the funds and get your grubby little mitts on a console, you will still need other things to use the console. For instance, you have sold your TV, and you needed that to play Bugsnax. You have sold everything, and now you own naught but a PS5. A grave error.

Do Not Sell Your Greater-Loved Son

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia.

This is a BIG no-no. Winky, your greater-loved son, is a treasure. They say you’re not supposed to have favourites, but you love Winky more than your wretched son Binkle. Winky can do a lot more, and he is much nicer. He can also play the harp, while Binkle plays the cursed kazoo. If you sell Winky for a PS5, you will be scammed, as he is worth considerably more than that. Further, Binkle’s other parent will begrudge you for making such a rash decision.

Do Not Buy It From A Toad (It Will Be Slimy)

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia.

As we all know, toads are slimy little creatures. They have no concept of money, as they are not human. Despite this, they have managed to sweep up a surprising number of PS5s. There’s no point questioning how they got their weird little hands on these consoles — they will never tell you. If you buy a PS5 from a toad, they will cover it in slime. They will fill the console with slime, and it will not work. It will be a fully slimed gaming console, and toad slime is not covered by the warranty. Yes, this PS5 is free, but there is no way to get the slime out.

Do Not Buy It If You Don’t Know What It Is

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia.

This is an easy mistake to make. You’re hearing more and more that people are buying PS5 consoles thinking that they are chairs, phones, washing machines, and filing cabinets. Unfortunately, none of these is correct. The Playstation 5 is Sony’s latest video game console, and can be used to play a myriad of games including console exclusives such as Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart and the Demon Souls remake. It is a great gaming console, but you should NOT buy it for making a toasted sandwich. The bread will not fit in the disc drive, and the cheese will make it putrid.

If you do any of these things, no need to fear. You are not a bad person. There is nothing wrong with you. We simply, strongly advise that you do not do any of these things, as there will be consequences.

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