Lechonk is my friend, and I love my friend Lechonk from Pokémon Scarlet & Violet.
I met Lechonk last week in the back alley between an Adult Diaper Warehouse and Vin Deasel’s Vape Shop (no relation to Vin Diesel, the actor). We locked eyes while I was looking for coins under a trashcan and he was looking for standard hog slop. We became best friends instantly and have so much in common. I like wrestling, he likes wrestling. People want to eat him, and once somebody on Tumblr told me that they would like to ‘vore’ me. (Editor’s Note: What the fuck – David)
Ever since my friendship with Lechonk from Pokémon Scarlet & Violet started, I have made plans for the many adventures we can go on together. They will be some of the greatest moments of my life, and I thought it would be nice to show to you some pictures I drew of adventures I have constructed in my mind palace for my friend Lechonk from Pokémon Scarlet & Violet and myself to go on.
Note: No Lechonks from Pokémon Scarlet & Violet were harmed or poisoned in the making of this friendship photo album.
Lechonk takes me to the sewer
As Lechonk is literally a hog and I am metaphorically a hog, it makes perfect sense that we both love horrid swampy pigsties. Unfortunately, I live near the city and Lechonk lives in a high-rise apartment that he bought with crime money, so there are very few farms nearby.
Thankfully, Lechonk has told me that he knows of a few really cool spots in the sewers that run under the city, and has even met some ghouls down there that I apparently share common interests with. This is what I think our trip to the sewer would look like.
I take Lechonk to the Temple of Rats in India
See in the background there? That’s us!
I love the Temple of Rats in Rajasthan, India. I’ve always wanted to go there. I think rats are very smart and evidence has shown that they love to drive and can cook french cuisine. Basically, they’re just like us. I’ve talked to my friend Lechonk from Pokémon Scarlet & Violet and he says that he has also always wanted to go to the Rat Temple.
Sadly, he hasn’t been able to find the time between his busy day job as an Assistant Marketing Manager for the all-newborn-baby version of Cirque du Soleil and his stand-up comedy career. When we can eventually find the time, I think this is what it would look like.
We find an old building full of asbestos
A lot of the buildings in Callan Park, located in the Inner West of Sydney, Australia, are packed to the brim with asbestos and have remained untouched since they stopped being used for the Callan Park Hospital for the Insane. The hospital closed in 1914, and so these buildings have been left to rot.
Luckily enough, my best friend in the whole wide world Lechonk from Pokémon Scarlet & Violet LOVES to have Asbestos Fights, as do I. All we want to do is collect up as much asbestos in our hands (and hooves) as we can and throw it at each other in a joyful and gleeful way. This is a picture of what it would look like if we were looking for asbestos together.
Lechonk and I go to Hell
And finally, Hell. Lechonk from Pokémon Scarlet & Violet and I, Ruby Innes from Kotaku Australia, are full of sin. We are big-time sinners, love to sin, and we both think sinning rocks. Fortunately for us, if you sin enough you get sent to a hot and steamy place called Hell.
Lechonk told me that an old demon appeared in his high-rise apartment one day and said, “Lechonk from Pokémon Scarlet & Violet, because you won’t stop swiping baby shoes from next to the sandpits at preschools and throwing them into the ocean, you will be going to Hell soon.” This was so crazy, because literally the day before that, an old demon came to my room and said, “Ruby Innes from Kotaku Australia, because you turned all the front-facing DVDs upside down that one time you went to your local JB Hi-Fi after eating two servings of Spaghetti Bolognese, you will be going to Hell soon.”
It’s nice that the random demon has planned this tropical vacation for my big fat bestie Lechonk and I to go on, so here’s what I think it’ll look like.
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