Metaverse? No Thanks, I’ll Take These Online Worlds For Business Meetings Instead

Metaverse? No Thanks, I’ll Take These Online Worlds For Business Meetings Instead
Image: TheBucko91 / Reddit / Kotaku Australia

Meta, once known as Facebook, is touting itself as the next step in virtual business dealings.

By jumping into the Metaverse, a legless, smooth version of yourself with optional big titties can take part in a business meeting with other smooth individuals. Sure, early trailers show that you can be anything, similarly to VR Chat. However, more recent looks into the Metaverse see the characters I described earlier. Smooth, floating, empty-eyed and soulless humanoids.

To me, this is no fun. There’s no character, no colour. If you want to lock down some real business deals, you should be able to be anything you want. That’s why I think these should be the metaverses that companies look to for their business meetings of the future.

VRChat

vrchat
Image: VRChat

Y’know what, I’ll just come right out and say it. If I were getting fired from my job, I think I would feel a lot better about it if it were coming from either a heavily-breasted anime woman or Spongebob of Spongebob Squarepants fame.

VRChat is the perfect choice for business proceedings of the future because they’ve already pinned down the whole ‘you can be anything’ situation. What Meta is trying to do now is what VRChat has pinned down for years now.

If I walked into a business meeting and sitting at the long table were the likes of Fat Pikachu, Solid Snake, a banana, three random anime girls, and my boss The Boss Baby, I’d be fine with living my life in a dank apartment with nothing in it, and a large box strapped to my head.

IMVU

Metaverse? No Thanks, I’ll Take These Online Worlds For Business Meetings Instead
Image: IMVU

Have you ever looked around your workplace and thought, “Man, everyone at my work is just too ugly, including myself”? That’s the beauty of IMVU, baby.

IMVU has been around since 2004 and has been the hot and sexy answer to Second Life. The many, many mods of The Sims that make your Sim look kinda-real-but-also-not are what make up the world of IMVU.

Gone are the days of ferals, uglies, and putrid fuckers. You never have to look at an imperfection at work again. Yassify your entire workplace. You don’t work with unforgivable 2’s anymore, it’s all incredibly shiny 10’s here.

Habbo Hotel

Metaverse? No Thanks, I’ll Take These Online Worlds For Business Meetings Instead
Image: Sulake

The only thing that would make a workplace better is a hierarchy system with blandies at the bottom and Superior Club Members at the top.

The vibrant, simple-yet-detailed pixel art of Habbo Hotel is a perfect nostalgia hit for any workplace. Not only that, but the possibilities for team-building activities are endless. You can all go to the ‘Ool together, you can take part in CC competitions, and you can even dress up as a baby and let your coworkers adopt you! Perfect!

And hey, if you’re anything like me as a small child, maybe you’ll spend months sneakily using the home phone at your parents’ house to buy credits and become a part of the Habbo Club to get exclusive outfits and Furni, only to realise that your older brother had been doing the exact same thing and ultimately got entirely blamed for the very large and very stupid phone bill. Worth it!

Club Penguin

Metaverse? No Thanks, I’ll Take These Online Worlds For Business Meetings Instead
Image: Disney

I wanna see my boss’s igloo. I want to peep how many Puffles he has.

Club Penguin died years ago, with rip-offs coming and ungraciously going. However, I think that Disney would benefit from bringing the online social hub back purely for business purposes. No children are allowed, only adults who are business professionals. The way it should be.

Similarly to VRChat, wouldn’t the harsh blow of a firing from a workplace you’ve given your life to feel that little bit softer in an igloo, surrounded by fluffy pets, coming from a pink penguin wearing clothes?


What metaverses do you think would be better suited for workplaces than The Metaverse By Zark Muckerberg? Would you prefer to listen to your co-worker talk about how much they hate their wife in a place like Pirates of the Caribbean Online? Let us know!

Comments

  • “What Meta is trying to do now is what VRChat has pinned down for years now.”

    I’ve been saying this ever since Zuck changed FB’s name. The only difference is Meta want to own their version, where as VRChat is an open-source fever dream. And better for it.

    • Exactly! On top of that, Meta doesn’t even have the option to be Kermit the Frog, so what’s even the point?

  • My problem with Meta is we’ll inevitably find out some insane Black Mirror gear happening behind the scenes.

    Brainwashing?! I don’t know how I feel about this!
    *update complete*
    Actually I’m totally fine with it, Supreme Consciousness Zuckerberg always has our best interests in mind.

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