Here at Kotaku Australia, we have a dedicated team of writers that are on a tireless mission to find the best gaming-related deals for you to break the bank on. On the other hand, there’s nobody looking out for the worst deals.
Today, on this big, busty, beautiful Thursday, I have decided to take it upon myself and do 5 weeks of uninterrupted research into what could possibly be the worst gaming-related deals available on the market. I have done this because I see people spending money, and it worries me. Some of the shit people buy is scary and stupid, and I’m here to fix it.
Of course, this is not financial advice. I am not a financial expert, and I’m not even good with my money. Just last week, I was stopped on my way to work by what I thought was a local bridge troll, who insisted I pay the troll toll. I didn’t have any cash on me, so he suggested I pay by card. I said, “How, troll?” and he pulled out a Square Reader. I tapped, not knowing the toll, and found $1000 removed from my bank account and sent to ‘PETER HELLIAR’. I’ve not seen the troll since.
Anyway, now that I’m done with my research, I’m here to tell you the 5 Worst Gaming Deals that you could possibly spend your money on, in order from most expensive to least. Trust me, buster, these are NOT worth it!
A Picture of a Fake Cartridge of Goldeneye 64
Price: 30 ETH ($707,07.99 AUD, as of 15/09/2022 4:30 p.m. AEST)
This is a picture of a fake cartridge of GoldenEye 64. The cartridge was made by a scammer, and did not work.
When whoever took the picture used it in their Nintendo 64, it somehow played the entirety of the US version of Kath & Kim, a cancelled TV show that came out years after the Nintendo 64.
The picture itself also does not play GoldenEye 64, and is covered in grease stains and mystery liquid. It is somehow never dry, and always moist.
Your Favourite Arcade Cabinet from Your Childhood but When You Turn It On You Discover Someone has Filled It With Cum
Price: $1,200 AUD (non-refundable, seller will blame you for the cum)
You remember your favourite arcade game Donkle Konk? Remember when you used to go to the local arcade with your quarters and play Donkle Konk until the cows came home?
Now you can have Donkle Konk in your home, with the same machine you used as a kid. However, it is not obvious until it has arrived at your home and has been plugged in that it is not playable.
Why isn’t it playable? Simple. The game has been removed and in it’s place is cum. You have no idea how long it took to not only source all this cum, but also how they got it in there in the first place.
3 Copies of Clock 2 for PlayStation 5
Price: $600 AUD (also non-refundable, and legally locked to the buyer)
Clock 2 is a PlayStation 5 ‘game’ where you can have a clock on your PlayStation 5. It costs $300 for the physical version, but you can buy 3 copies of it for $600.
The only kicker is, you will not be able to refund them. You will not be able to resell them. You will not be able to give any of them to friends. Once you have spent that stupid amount of money, you will never be rid of 3 copies of Clock 2.
This is the Clock Man’s Design.
An Angry Cassowary Loose in Your House
Price: $5 (but you might also pay with your life)
This might sound like a great deal, but this angry cassowary is not compatible with any consoles.
It is just a regular cassowary. From your local EB Games, you can spend $5 to have an angry cassowary placed in your home. We’re unsure as to why EB Games sells this or provides the service at all.
Sure, it’s cheap. However, you might be mauled to death by a cassowary. On top of that, there is also no HDMI port in the cassowary.
A One-Night Stand with Scrooge McDuck that will End in a Disappointing Few Minutes of Lovemaking Before he Dies
Price: Free, but still not worth it
The only price you will have to pay is the remainder of your sanity.
You do not want to do this. Scrooge McDuck is not only old as fuck, he is also a selfish lover.He doesn’t not care about your pleasure, and it almost doesn’t seem like he cares about his own. I think it’s really just a weird rich duck thing.
Also, he will absolutely die at the end of it. He will promise this to you during, and will stick to his promise and fucking die upon climaxing. Sure, you might be somehow granting a dying duck’s wish, but is it worth it?
No.
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