Listen, I know you probably read the headline up there and thought, what in the sweet hell is this dude on about? I get it, weird thing to say, but hear me out.
See, we (Pedestrian Group) have launched a TV channel, which includes our very own pieces of wild and wacky content (yes, that includes Kotaku Australia), along with cult classic movies and TV shows, one of which is a lesser-known Pam Anderson venture called V.I.P.
In a nutshell, Pam plays a woman who accidentally saves a celebrity and is subsequently hired as a bodyguard. Her name is Vallery Irons — Vallery Irons Protection — V.I.P. You get it.
Anyway, I saw the show’s cover image and thought damn, I bet Pam Anderson knows her way around a game or two. And thus, here we are.
Please know that I am basing all of this on absolutely nothing.
VIP (The Game)
Believe it or not, the TV show in question also became a game. It was developed by Ubisoft and released on PC, PlayStation, PlayStation 2, Game Boy Color and Game Boy Advance in 2001 and 2002.
To be fair, it looks awful and was clearly a cash grab at the time, but there’s no way Pam herself isn’t a god at this game. She’s finished it multiple times. She would have play-tested it for Ubisoft, too. “Play our game please Mrs Pamela Anderson of Baywatch and V.I.P. fame” they would have said to her. She’d do a slow wink back and say, “Yes”.
I have no source for any of this, you’re just going to have to take my word for it.
Guitar Hero
Specifically with the drum kit controller. C’mon, she was married to Tommy Lee, I don’t think I have to explain my working here.
Counter-Strike
Look at the size of the Desert Eagle she’s holding, you can’t tell me Pammy isn’t an absolute beast during a pistol eco round. My gut tells me she’s a 1.6 purist. Community servers and surf maps only.
It would be an honour to be one-deaged by such a star.
Subnautica
Have you seen Baywatch? Pam can swim good as hell, and I simply have to assume that this translates to the interactive medium of video games.
A friend to fish, respecter of marine biomes. I also firmly believe her base-building chops would be top-notch. The perfect combination of functionality and aesthetics. I mean, we’re talkin’ about Pamela Anderson here, folks.
Gran Turismo
Pam go fast. She actually launched a racing team back in 2016, so I’d wager she knows her way around the cockpit of a really fast car.
In my mind, she actually calls it Pam Turismo and if you call it anything else she gets really upset.
Ratatouille the Video Game on Game Boy Advance
Pam has hosted a plant-based cooking show and if she can do that, you just know she can beat the absolute pants off a game about a cooking rat.
I can see Pam unwinding on the balcony of her lavish home with three cigarettes and the Ratatouille video game on Nintendo’s Game Boy Advance. She’s really good at it!
She refuses to acknowledge the existence of Ratatouille the Video Game on Microsoft Windows PC, OS X, PlayStation 2, GameCube, Xbox, Wii, Nintendo DS, PlayStation Portable, Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3. Do NOT ask her about them.
Roblox
I like to think Pam has her very own Baywatch server where she roleplays as herself. Whenever someone joins she tells them it’s her, it’s really Pam! But no one believes her.
Upsetting!
Animal Crossing
Pam is a vegan, loves animals and has done work with PETA, of course she’d be good at Animal Crossing. Of all the games on this list, I think she’s most likely to actually play this one.
If you’re keen to check out Pam’s V.I.P., you can do so at PEDESTRIAN TELEVISION right here. We also stream absolute chaos 24/7, so be sure to check out our live stream as well.
Image: Valve/Columbia TriStar
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