Every Time I Talk About FarmVille, It Sounds Like I'm Talking About Sex

"I went over to my neighbour's farm and watered her pumpkins." This is the kind of thing one says regularly while playing FarmVille 2. I've spent most of the last week deep in Zynga's latest foray into agriculture-based Facebook gaming. I've been really playing the thing, letting it get its hooks into me — for science!

Believe it or not, despite the usual Ville-game annoyances, FarmVille 2 is pretty fun. (Or, well, I'm still not sure I'd characterise what I'm having as "fun," but it sure is something.)

One thing's for sure, though — it is impossible to talk about this game without snickering. Every time I talk about FarmVille 2, it sounds like I'm talking about sex.

A big part of FarmVille 2 involves going to your neighbor's farms and... doing stuff. This keeps you engaged and playing the game, largely due to a "keeping up with the Joneses" thing. You're constantly aware of the state of your friends and their levels. (It's not an accident that your first computer-controlled neighbour Marie has an insanely gorgeous level 40 farm, to which she is regularly inviting you. That bitch.) It's a diabolical bit of leaderboarding: Tim Rogers and I are cordial neighbours, always helping each other out. But we're also ruthlessly competing.

So it's that much funnier when I say "I have to go and feed Tim's goat." Hee! I've learned that if I put "…. if ya know what I mean" at the end of every sentence in FarmVille 2, it makes it that much funnier.

Here are some other FarmVille 2 actions that it's hard to say with a straight face. Feel free to add "If ya know what I mean" to the end of any of these.

"While I was sleeping, Tiff fertilised my blueberries."

"God, I just wanted to harvest all of Marie's crops, but I didn't have enough energy."

"This morning, Tim finally gave me that wood plank I've been begging him for."

"Tracey was mostly taken care of by the time I got there, so I just watered her crops."

Harvesting corn? Planting a tree? Admiring someone's bush-placement? Dirty, dirty, dirty.

It's not some huge revelation that this is true — food is sexy and so is farming. FarmVille 2 may be the most neutered, amusement-park version of farming I've ever seen, but even this game can't gloss over the sensuality of working the land. After all, what is farming but coaxing plants into showing us their most engorged sexual organs before we harvest and eat them? (Paging Barbara Kingsolver!)

In other words: FarmVille 2 may not actually show it happening, but we still know the score: Shucking corn requires us to peel back layers of husk from a long, juicy corncob before massaging the silk off of the tip.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fertilise my neighbour's strawberries.

If ya know what I mean.

Top photo: Shutterstock


Comments

    Everybody should be more comfortable talking about secks.

    I have no intention of reading this article, but based on the title i think we should play the 'If you know what i mean' game on the farm.

    I was pretty exhausted after plowing the fields.... if you know what i mean.

      I didn't bother with the article... if you know what I mean.

        I got down to business and read the article. Finished up way too soon... if you know what I mean.

          I thought it actually ended up being a stimulating read... if you know what i mean

    Ok.. i had no intention to read it, but i did. Yeah I'm just THAT spontaneous. Man dems some good innuendo.

      in your endo

    I also have no intention of reading this article.

    Which begs the question, "why are there so many articles about Farmville these days?"

    I mean, I get that Kotaku ran a puff piece on Zynga like the day before they screwed half their employees out of stock profits and got investigated for insider trading - but do we really have to make the damage worse instead of boycotting them like any self-respecting gamer should?

    I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

      The way I've taken to reading Kotaku's Farmville and Zynga related articles is as if someone has just started - and become addicted to - a serious heroin habit.

      The author waffles on about something or other, and in the end you really wonder what part interests you more; That someone could subject themselves to the socially accepted spambot that *.ville games are, or that they actually enjoy it.

        It's not even the stupidity of the Farmville games which I find offensive - it's more the continuing press support for a company which has proven to be disrespectful and degrading to the games industry as a whole.

        It's kind of like them running an article called "Ocean Marketing - These guys aren't so bad" or "LA Noire - The results of a well-run office".

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