Downloadable content. Everyone hates it — but everyone buys it. Yes, even you in the comments, smart guy. Here’s a look at the latest package of extensions and pre-order bonuses designed to crowbar the last dollar out of your wallet. Can you still respect yourself if you buy it?
Saints Row the Third: Enter the Dominatrix
Price: Unknown, but a bargain at any price.
What You Get: The straight-up delivery on the April Fools’ prank everyone waved at dismissively. An alien kidnaps the leader of the Saints and traps them in a virtual reality simulation of Steelport. Inside the Dominatrix, you will experience, according to the original release (assumed to be a joke) “Mind-Bending Telekinesis, Really Really High Jump, Really Really Fast Sprint, Shiny Blue Force Shield, and Shiny Blue Fireball Projectile-of-Doom.”
Why It’s Evil: For making us think this was a joke. Saints Row is a riotous eff-you to convention in its main presentation. With physics-warping powers, this should be a trip.
Evil Score: 1/5. Lowest evil score ever assigned by this short feature. I don’t know if creating the extension is ThinkGeek-style fan service, or if they had plans to all along, but the execution is pretty solid.
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim — Dawnguard
Price: Also unknown
What You Get: Frost elves? Crossbows? Bethesda will not say, except to say we’ll find out more at E3, when whatever this is will be annihilated by the dragon shout of actual new games announced there.
Why It’s Evil: Wait, did you say this was an Xbox 360 timed exclusive? FFFFFFFUUUUUUS RO DAH.
Evil Score: 3/5, for the timed platform exclusive. God damn you Microsoft and your deep, deep pockets!