Oh, Little Girl Who Just Found Porn On Her Brother’s DS. I’m so sorry this happened to you. On behalf of brothers everywhere, I apologise.

Joy. Bliss. Serenity. It’s difficult, almost impossible to believe that two human beings could achieve such eternal happiness, such unequivocal euphoria. Such… perfection.

I can’t help but admire you, Enthusiastic Guy With Incredibly Supportive Girlfriend. You’ve really got it going on: great hair, winning smile, clearly very handsome despite your thick designer glasses, nicely chosen prep shirt.

What made Techno Soldier so angry? Was it an unfortunate round of Call of Duty? Did someone call his mother nasty names? Is he cosplaying the angriest bird?

To see these two boys playing video games is to see true brotherly love, the kind of unparalleled passion that can only be found in suburban living rooms, resting on postmodern sofa cushions with spotless decorum.

If only I were younger. If only I were more bored and more blonde. If only I didn’t have this damnable compulsion to make sure my controllers match not only each other, but the system I am playing on. Perhaps then I could be one of the bored blonde gaming teenagers.