WIN! Dawn Of War II And Limited Edition T-Shirt

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WIN! Dawn Of War II And Limited Edition T-Shirt

dawn of war 2 artwork 20090218.jpg

To celebrate the release of Warhammer 40K: Dawn Of War II today, the kind folks at THQ have handed me five copies of the PC game and five limited edition 40K t-shirts. Rather than keeping them for myself, I figured it’d work best to give them away.

DoWII tee.JPG

That’s the t-shirt, btw. And when we say “limited edition”, we mean there were only 400 made. And we’ve got five of them. Not too shabby at all. So, how do you enter this thing? In the comments below, you will finish this joke:
“So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…”

Got it? The five entries to raise the loudest laugh from the Kotaku judges will win. You’ve got until Wednesday next week to demonstrate your comic genius.

[Terms and Conditions]

Comments

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. The barman asks “Why the long faces?” To which all three reply “In the grim darkness of the future, there is only war.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and order a round of beers. “That will be $24 please” says the bartender. So the Space Marine gives the bartender his money and they start to drink their beers. “You know we don’t very many aliens in here” mutters the bartender.

    The Ork replies, “At these prices it’s no wonder!”

  • the space marine looks at the Ork and says hey were’d you get that. The tyranid replies “from the incoming WAAAH!, there all over the place”.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. The Orc, furious that the bar would taunt him so smashes it into a thousand little pieces and stomps them into the ground. The Tyranid also upset eviscerates the bar with its long deadly blades and quickly consumes all the pieces. The Space Marine however, looks at the bar and simply rubs his head, praising the Emperor for placing the bar in such an odd place to test the faithless. Praise be the Emperor!

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…but not all at the same time because their players need to take turns at rolling at the dice first, and only one army can move at a time.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…
    The Space Marine slams 100 credits down on the bar and says, “By the Emperor, I bet I can drink you both under the table!”
    The Ork slams 50 credits and his favourite Snotling down on the bar and says, “Puny human won’t out-drink me!”
    The Tyranid slams the Space Marine’s entrails down on the bar and says, “SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

  • The Space Marine walks up to the bartender and proclaims, “By the Emperor’s will you shall provide me refreshment at no cost.”

    Not willing to defy the will of the Emperor, the bartender quickly serves the Space Marine his drink for free.

    Next the Ork approaches the bartender and shouts at him, “Me boyz’ll be rippn’ yer arms from der sockets and beatn’ ya wif da wet end if you don’t hand ova da grog!” the Ork then takes a bite out of the bar to show he means business.

    Well the bartender doesn’t want any trouble, so he quickly poors the Ork a large tankard of grog, at no charge.

    Finally the Tyranid approaches, regurgitates a huge sum of credits onto the bar and then promptly eats the bartender.

    Which just goes to show, Tyranids are quite good tippers.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…
    The Space Marine is the first to come to – “Chaos have led us into a trap! TAKE COVER BRETHREN!” he screams as to rushes over to a nearby table, up-ends it and takes cover behind it. Soon after the Tyranid recovers. Realising the Space Marine must have deceived it, it retreats to the Hive, to return shortly with the Swarm. The Ork now recovers realising its the only one remaining charges up to the bar staff wailing and slaughters them all. Over in the corner, the two Eldar snicker amongst themselves – “If we’d had known it would be this easy, i’d have done it forty thousand years ago!”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. A few minutes later the Marine and Tyranid walk out in disgust cause everyone knows that Orks jus wanna haf phun, oooo Orks jus wannna have phunnnnn

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… where the bartender gestures at the Ork and Tyranids, “We don’t serve their kind here.” The Space Marine says to the other two, “Better do what he says, we don’t want trouble,” to which the Ork and Tyranid promptly responds with a “waaaaaugh!” and “REEGHAAAR!” and… walk out.

  • “So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…”
    “Where’d you get ’em?” asks the bartender.
    “Won ’em in a raffle!” replies the Tyranid.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…

    …After the round is served, the Space Marine raises his glass in a toast to the Emperor.
    The Tyranid raises his glass, and toasts the Hive.
    The orc downs his beer, and smashes the glass on the bar yelling “WAGHHH!”

    The Barman calls for the bouncers, and asks them to remove the Tyranid.
    The Space Marine, Perplexed, says to the barman, “Why remove the Tyranid and not the raucous orc?”
    The Barman replies, “Orc’s are expected in a bar, but where there’s one insect there’s hundreds, and I’ve got a health inspection coming up”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar, the squat walks under it shaking his head. “And they wrote us out of the game, at least we can limbo”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… “At least we beat the Terran, the Protoss, and the Zerg by a few months!” exclaimed the marine.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…

    The bar tender turns around and looks up at the Tyranid which promptly hisses at him….

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar all looking a bit embarassed. After an inquiry from the bartender they explain that ‘Little Sister’ got a hold of the paints and now they are know as the ‘Rainbow 3’.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… as they all got up they red the Sign “watch head, Low lying objects ahead”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar, the Barman seeing trouble quickly gets on the phone “This looks like job for the A – team”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. The bartender asks the space marine “what’s your poison?”. The space marine bursts into tears and screams “MY UNDYING LOVE AND GRATITUDE FOR THE ALL MIGHTY EMPEROR” whilst firing his heavy bolter into the air. Perplexed by the response, the bartender hands the space marine a beer and pushes him out the door. He moves on to the ork and asks “what’s your poison ork?”. The ork begins to shake with rage and then screams “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” whilst lobbing choppas at the other bar patrons. Once again perplexed, the bartender hands the ork a beer and pushes him out the door. Finally the bartender moves on to the towering tyranid that stood at the end of the bench, eyeing hungrily everything that moved within the bar. Petrified the bartender stammers out “what’s your poison, tyranid?”. The tyranid stares the bartender directly in the eyes and says “nothing for me thanks, im driving those two”.
    Wakka wakka.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… but the Ork randomly gets disconnected from “Games for Windows Live” and they are all booted back to the main menu. 🙁

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…at that exact same moment Ripley, a Predator and a Xenomorph walked into the bar from the opposite door…
    It was love at first sight!

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and notice there is one stool left. The Space marine suggests to play rock, paper, scissors but then Ork says, “Stop all this nonsense. Lets just flip the stool over.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar in Alice Springs.
    The bartender goes “Get out of here, we don’t serve your kind here” and throws the black space marine out.

    Poor Salamander Chapter. No

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… The bartender goes “we’ve got drinks named after you”

    The Tyranid replies “What Trevor?”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…
    Tyranid: Grnkkkragh!
    Ork: He doesn’t like you.
    Space Marine: Sorry.
    Ork: I don’t like you either! You just watch yourself! We’re wanted men. I have the death sentence on twelve systems.
    SpaceMarine: Hang on…isn’t that from…
    Ork: You’ll be dead!
    Spacemarine: But.. I didn’t, I…
    Tyranid: Ha ha! man, I’ve been waiting years to do that one!

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar.
    The Tyranid quickly asks the bartender where the power outlets are then runs off. The Ork demands to know where the peanut resources are kept. The Marine calmly orders three drinks, slams them down, then smiles saying “I win”.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. The bartender, thankful that he paid his insurance last month, goes up to the Space Marine, who shouts, “Hurry man, give me a beer before the problems start!” The bartender turns pale, casts frightened glances at the Ork and Tyranid, quickly pushes a beer in front of him and leaves without even asking for money.

    He then approaches the Ork, who snarls, “Oi! Gimme dat beer before dem problemz start!” The barkeep looks nervously at the Space Marine and Tyranid, and serves him straight away, gratis.

    Lastly he goes to the Tyranid, who hisses, “Beeeeerrrrsssss! Before the problemsss!”. The bartender checks the other two, but they’re sipping their beers and sitting quietly, showing no signs of violence. So the bartender relaxes a little, and says, “Alright, but who’s going to pay for all these beers?”

    The Tyranid rolls his glowing eyes and says, “Sso, now the problemss sstart.”

  • …and the bar tender asks ‘Why the long faces?’, and the Tyranid holds of the faces of the space marine and the orc and says, ‘yeah, they got all stretched when I pulled them off, that plus the screaming, still taste okay though’.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. The Space Marine asked the bartender, “Hail! Do you serve Orks here?” The bartender said, “Yes, we do!”

    “Excellent,” replied the Space Marine. “I’ll requisition a beer, and another Ork for my Tyranid over there.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. They all slump dejectedly into seats together, looking beaten down and weary.

    The Space Marine motions to the barkeep and speaks in a broken voice,

    “I speak on behalf of the three of us when I say this. For months we have known nothing but war. I have seen close friends throw down their lives by the Emperor’s will. I am four days without sleep.”

    He motions to the Ork beside him.

    “My friend here is the last of his clan, having seen his whole family massacred and his home razed. He is a broken creature”

    The Ork nods glumly, as the Space Marine motions to the Tyranid.

    “…and our friend over here is frightfully ugly.”

    The Tyranid looks down in dismay, the Ork patting him on the upper posterior thorax.

    All this time the barkeep has said nothing, but remained quiet and observant. The Space Marine continues,

    “All we ask is for a beverage for each of us – gratis, as we have no money to speak of. Is this possible good sir?”

    The barkeep clears his throat and speaks,

    “Your tale is a sad one, but I cannot grant your request. I work for Midway, and things are pretty screwed around here, so pay up or get out.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and order some beers.
    The Bartender thinks to himself easy money here and prompty charges them 60 credits.
    Bartender: We dont get many Orks, Tyranids or Marines in here.
    Space Marine: Im not surprised with these flaming prices!

  • “So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…”

    They all sit down disgruntled.

    The Space Marine says:
    “I’m the smartest Commander out of all the chapters! How do I show that darn emperor that I have the skill?”

    The Ork turns to the Marine and says:
    “I’z da strongest Ork dere iz! How do I show that warboss without killin’ ‘im?!”

    The Tyranid angrily shouts:
    “You guys think you have trouble! I’m the most popular alien race around, massing in huge numbers, also being super pretty, We’re way more awesome than Kroot & Vespids! We have claws everywhere and have the

    coolest paint scheme, no matter the colour! But no one seems to to think so, There’s no equal to our awesome!”

    A few moments later, a shady looking Eldar Farseer with a worn out cloak, ragged hair and a bad smell, walks over to their table.
    “I have just the thing for all of you!”

    “We’ll not fall for your potions and tricks witch!” -says Space Marine.

    “Oh no no no, No elixirs here my friends, Take… Take one of these mirrors each, and when the clock strikes midnight and a new day is beginning, ask the mirror who is the smartest, or the strongest, or the

    most awesome in ALL the lands!”

    So they each take their mirror and continue on the night.

    A few nights later, they are in the bar again with smiles all upon their faces, nearly.

    The Space Marine breaks out first excitedly “IT WORKED! I am the smartest Force Commander of them all!”

    Cracking his knuckles, The Ork pipes in “WAAAARGH! I’m the STRONGEST in the lands, no one’s gonna lay a finger on me and if they try, they’re dead!”

    …and then a pause…

    “So Tyranid? What did you find out?”

    The Tyranid says dismally, with a frown on his face… “What the hell is a Zerg?”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. The bartender says, “No, not after last week. Get out you three.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…
    the Bartender asks “WHY THE LONG FACE?”
    To which they all reply, “OUR LIKENESS CHEQUES FOR ‘SPACE CRUSADE’ BOUNCED.

  • “So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…The Space Marine orders a dry martini but before he can even touch it the Tyranid drinks it all. The Tyranid shrugs and says, “What do you expect? I’m a gin-stealer.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar.
    The bartender says “Name your liquor.”
    “Glenfiddich” says the Space Marine.
    “Fosters” says the Ork.
    “Bruce” says the Tyranid.
    The other two warriors turn to the Tyranid… “Bruce?”
    “Oh” says the Tyranid, “I thought he said Lictor”.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…

    The Ork looks at the Tyranid and asks: “WTF!? Why is HE still here!?”

    The Space Marine looks at both of them confused…

    The Ork then asks the Tyranid: “I thought we agreed not to drink on an empty stomach!?”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… The bar tender looks upon the collection in front of him and without hesitation hoists a bolter from it hiding place—badda bum, badda bum, badda bum—the marine, orc and the tyranid hit the floor, viscera splattered all over the walls. As patrons turn to the bar tender he adjusts himself, “Nobody expects the Imperial Inquisition!”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar.

    Marine: Hard working day guys. So how was your day?
    Ork: Pretty sh*t man. I’ve been fired!
    Tyranid: Yeah crisis started for us too. I’ve been sacked too as my project has been canceled. I even cannot buy petrol for my ship!
    Marine: That sux! So what are u going to do now?
    Tyranid:We’ll start a war with some human Arabic country. Kill em all and steal their oil!
    Marine: What? Are u insane or what? That’s already done by US and they failed!
    Ork: Oh yeah.. but it’s still a good excuse to make games. So we’ll have our job back!
    Marine: … That’s the weirdest idea i ever heard. But It’s Brilliant! Let’s have a drink and start a war tomorrow.
    Together: Oh yeah! Cheers!!!!

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar, with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other.The ork lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, “I suppose you won’t be needing a drink.” The says…

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… Together they slump down at a table, order a round and watch the Kareoke.

    Several more rounds go by, and the Space Marine is feeling pretty confident that he could liven the place up with some Billie Jeane. He gets up on stage and slurs his way through the lyrics before returning to the table.

    A few moments later, determined not to be shown up by the Space Marine, the Tyranid fights his way up on the stage, throws down some MC Hammer and returns to the table smug.

    Not to be left out, the Ork charges up on stage. Without looking he throws on a random Maddona track and be begins “WAAAAAAAAAAARGHGHGHGHHHHHHH”ing through the entire song. Obviously pleased with himself, he returns to his table.

    A few moments of stunned silence later, the Space Marine turned to the Ork. “That was truely great”. Noticing the entire bar is now staring at him, the Space Marine says “What? Have you heard Maddona’s latest Album?!”.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. The Tyranid, obviously fairly intoxicated, says to the bartender, “Heeeyyy mate. I bet yous two thoushand credits I can sthand on thish chair, pish in a cup 5 metersh away on the other shide of the bar and not shpill a drop!”

    The bartender thinks this Tyranid doesn’t know what he’s doing, and it might be a quick way to make some cash so he agrees. He places a cup on the other side of the bar, and the Tyranid lets fly. Piss goes everywhere!

    The bartender is ecstatic, and says to the Tyranid, “Right mate, that’s 2000 credits you owe me.”

    The Tyranid says, “That’s alright mate, I just bet the Space Marine and the Ork ten thousand credits each that I could piss all over your bar and you would be pleased!”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…
    The bartender looks up and with a rolling belch begins to speak,
    “Oi, I don’t serve those warmongering pests in here.” The trio appeared a little taken back by the suddenness of the rebuke and the stench of liquor and decay that accompanied it. Finally the marine stepped forward. “Look here barkeep,” his voice thundered over the din of the bar, “it is that very sense of intolerance that has driven us to war for millennia. In the spirit of reconciliation perhaps it is time to put aside our grievances and, as warriors, as equals even—share a drink?” The bartender, engrossed in picking the remnants of a less fortunate creature from his teeth, smacked his grubby lips together and began to speak, “I was talking to the orc and the ‘nid!”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…

    They sit at the bar, order their drinks and generally start being merry. The Space Marine spots a Sister of Battle sitting in the corner, who flicks him a little smile. The Ork prods him in the shoulder guard and tells him “Dat humie’s lookin atcha, go say ‘ello!”
    The Space Marine gets up, struts over to the Sister, then blushes furiously, not having a CLUE what to say after spending thirty years of war surrounded by other giant men. He shuffles back to the bar.
    “Watch this.” the Tyranid says. He walks over to the Sister, and less than a minute later they’re leaving the bar together.
    “How in the Emperor’s name did he do that?!?” exclaimed the Space Marine.
    “Prehensile tongue.” the Ork grunts, and goes back to his beer.

  • The three notice a lone ‘sister of battle’ sitting at the bar and decide to try their luck. The Ork wanders over and before he can say anything the ‘sister’ shoots him a withering look and states – “don’t even think about it snotling”.

    Snickering to himself the marine hoists his heavy bolter and strides purposefully towards the bar. Almost laughing the Sister loudly exclaims “wow, what a big gun – compensating for something are we?” Shocked, the embarrassed marine takes a seat in the corner with the miserable Ork.

    The two of them watch in amazement as the hulking tyranid lumbers over, whispers something into the female marine’s ear and proceeds to lead the lovely lass in the direction of the dance floor.

    The barman chuckles to himself and leans over to the boys in the corner – “Don’t beat yourselves up about it. Ladies love those Hive boys. Always making jokes about the giant one eyed monster.”

    (Old One Eye – massive ancient carnifex).

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and the the Barman looks up angrily and shouts “Hey, you can’t bring that in here!”

    The Warp Spider Exarch fades into existence and says “Not my fault chief, these guys have been following me all over the place for the last 30 minutes.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… So, the bartender looks around and says, “What’ll you three fine gentlemen have?”. And they paid their tab and couldn’t have been more courteous.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and order a round of drinks. After the first swig the Space Marine says “So you guys got any family? I have 4 sons, one more and I’ll have a Basketball team.”

    To which the Orc replies “I have 10 children, one more and I’ll have a soccer team.”

    The Tyranid looks at them both funny for a moment before replying “Well I have 17 wives, one more and I’ll have a golf course.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… the Bartender looks strangely at the Space Marine, when the Marine says “Souvenirs”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…

    The Ork exlaims to the space marine. “You aint orkey enough.”

    The Space Marine relpies swiftly with. “You offend the Empror.”

    Some time later after MUCH debate the Tyranid finnaly states “They both tasted fine to me.”

    (Meanwhile the Eldar watches sadly, from outside the bar, in the cold under a lonely lampost.)

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…

    Peturbed by the sheep blocking their way the Space Marine begins to blast the sheep to smithereens (for the Emperor, of course), the Orc proceeds to fall asleep from counting so many sheep and the Tyranid starts to eat the sheep emitting something which sounds like, “I love lamb.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… they are immediately greeted by a Sister of Battle with stunningly good looks. Indicating to her Sisters at the bar, she says “I’ll give each of you one chance to prove to me that you could satisfy the needs of me and my Sisters”.

    The Ork pushes his way to the front and exclaims “Me and my Greenskins will show you all what its like to be with a REAL man!”

    Scoffing at this, the Tyranid brushes the Ork aside “My Swarm has spent many a millenia attending to the needs of our Queen. We are many, and we are extremily experienced lovers.”

    Still not completely satisfied, the Sister walks over to the Space Marine who is casually leaning up against the wall. “And what about you?”.

    “Two words: Deep Strike”.

  • “So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…”

    Space marine goes to the attractive sister of war bartender.
    2 gin and tonics, 2 vodkas and a coke.
    2 gin and tonice, 2 vodkas and a coke.

    *sees massive rack*

    5 cougars thanks 😐

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. And then a Chaos Marine runs in shoot and Yelling Blood for the Blood Good.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. The bartender explains “Wait, there’s no Orks in Starcraft?!”. The bartender’s widow was glad they had life insurance.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… The bartender says “Thats an invalid squad, I refuse to serve you until you come back as an official first party, fully painted and rule legal squad.”

    He then offers to sell them more Space Marines.

  • “So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…”

    and sat next to a Rabbi, a Preist and a Bhuddist monk. they later decided to play darts against an irishman, and italian and swede. they were shouted a round from 3 ladies who happened to be a thai lady boy, a geisha and hostess.

    later they all left the bar of stereotypes and killed shit.

  • A Space marine an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. The three are greeted with xeonphobic comments and the bouncers ask them to leave. Disheartened that they were kicked out at 10am after an all night bender the Marine asks a local “By the Emperor, where would myself and my good friends here find another drinking establishment” the peasant replies “down the road sir its called the “Emperor’s Mighty Legs” “thanks” the marine replies.

    The three stagger down the street only to find its closed, the sign reads “10:30am” so the boys sit down on the sidewalk.

    A police car drives past and notices the three drunks and pulls over, “what are you three doing?” exclaimed the officer, “nuffin” exclaims the ork “waiting for the Emperor’s Mighty Legs to open so we can have a drink”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…
    The space marine says to the ork ‘Grok, I love what you’ve done with your hair’.
    The ork, slicking back his long whispey strands, says ‘Tyranid Excretion’.
    The Tyranid blushes.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and the barman exclaims “Is this some sort of bad Dawn of War joke?”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar, but due to Newcastle’s 3am curfew, they are forced to leave moments later.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…

    The Space Marine says “C’mon guys, we can’t *all* take cover here…”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…”

    The Space Marine growls “does anyone here play darts?”
    The Ork says “not you punk, both your arms are missing”
    The Space Marine says “I bet ya $500 I can beat you, you little toad”
    The Ork says “Your on, ugly”
    The Marine then instructs the Ork. “get the first dart and put in into my mouth, Feathers first”. “Now get that dart Board of the wall and throw the Fn thing at me”

    ROM

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and sit down at their usual booth.

    The Ork says “Can’t drink too much tonight boys, last time I was out wit’ you lot I went home and blew chunks!”

    “Ha!!” telepathically projected the Tyranid “Last time I was out with you two I almost injected my genetic code into an Eldar!!”

    “That’s nothing!” says the Space Marine, not to be out done by the other two “I drank so much, I accidentally dropped my flamer and burnt my whole Chapter Hall down!”

    “No no, boys!” Interrupted the Ork “Chunks is my pet Squig!”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…everyone looks up, then the ork blunts out, “wi alz r elated.” and all three of them start fisting each other out.

    The bartender sighs and replies, ” Not another group of weirdo, troublemaking step-brothers, whose the father this time!”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and order drinks.

    The Ork tosses back half a bottle of tequila. He throws the half-full bottle up in the air, pulls out a Kustom Mega-Blasta, and blows it to pieces. The other two, shocked, just stare at the Ork. He explains, “Where I come from, boyz, we gots plenty o’tequila.”

    The Tyranid, not to be outdone, finishes his glass of wine, tosses the half-full bottle up in the air, shoots out a cluster of spines from his back, and blows it apart. “Where I come from,” he explains, “we have plenty of fine wine.”

    The Space Marine slowly drinks the last drop of his beer, tosses the empty bottle in the air, pulls out his bolter, and shoots the Ork and Tyranid between the eyes. He then catches the bottle on the way down. “Where I come from,” he says slowly, “we never waste booze—but we have plenty of Tyranids and Orks.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and order drinks. First round comes up but only the marine’s drink arrived. So they order a second round. Same problem. So the orc pipes up and demands an explanation. The bartender simply points to a sign on the wall. “Suffer not the xenos to drink.”
    Badum-shhh

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar.
    They order a round, find a table and begin regaling each other with tales of their sexual exploits. As the drinks flow and the night wears on, the Space Marine and the Tyranid begin to realise they are out of their depth; the greenskin has really scraped the bottom of the barrel in pursuit of carnal delight.
    Finally, the Space Marine interrupts another orkish tale of girls and cups and says to the Ork
    “Tell me you dirty ork %$*[email protected] would you lay down with our Tyranid friend here for 500 credits?”
    The Ork looks at the hideous creature next to him, thinks long and hard and finally replies:
    “Orright. But you’ll have to gimme a few days to come up wiv the cash.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… tonight they are off to see a magic show! It is being performed by The Incredible Mr Tubbington.

    Excitedly, all three warriors shuffle down the aisles to be seated in the last remaining spare seats. It is a tight squeeze for Mr Tyranid. He is, however, very anxious to watch the show so he grits his teeth and remains seated on the uncomfortable fold out chair.

    The lights dim and smoke wafts from the stage. The show is beginning. With some cheesy 80’s rock music and a spotlight show that would rival any school bush dance, The Incredible Mr Tubbington takes to the stage. He prances about, flicking handkerchiefs and releasing doves from his jacket. The crowd applause.

    The show does tend to drag on a little, however it is the grand finale that everyone sits on the edge of their seat for.

    “…and now for my final trick!” announces The Incredible Mr Tubbington. “Could I please have a member from the audience join me on stage?” Our mighty warriors throw their hands and talons into the air with excitement. Waving frantically, it appears they are the only ones in the crowd that are interested. After some peering across the audience, the magician points to the middle of our three heroes. It is Mr Marine.

    Like a hyperactive schoolgirl, Mr Marine bounds out of the crowd. He’s never been selected for anything of this nature, and the excitement is almost too much to handle. “Now Sir, to perform this trick I’m going to need your watch.” The Incredible Mr Tubbington declares.

    Without hesitation, Mr Marine removes his water-proof digital watch and places it in the open hands of the performer. The crowd becomes very curious where this is leading and the other two warriors gasp in anticipation. The Incredible Mr Tubbington drops the watch inside a brown paper bag that he previously removed from his rear pocket. Showing the crowd every move he makes, the bag is placed upon a small wooden table as The Incredible Mr Tubbington reaches off stage to grab a hammer. The tension in the room can be cut with a knife.

    Mr Marine looks on as the amazing performer does the unthinkable. Swinging the hammer high above his head, it comes crashing down directly onto the paper bag, striking the watch perfectly. Pure shock is across the face of every audience member, including Mr Marine. In a giant puff of smoke and awful sting of 80’s pop music, The Incredible Mr Tubbington is gone. The table is gone, the bag is gone, the watch is…gone.

    Mr Marine is furious that anyone would take advantage of him like that, so they decide to pay the magician a visit backstage after the show. Down some stairs and through a corridor, they find The Incredible Mr Tubbington seated calmly in a tiny office.

    “Waaaghh is dah watch, you swine?” queries the angry Mr Ork. “Tell us now!”

    The Incredible Mr Tubbington was more than happy to answer. “Look, I am terribly sorry about what happened out there tonight, gentlemen. But you must realise that it is all part of the show. You surrendered your watch to me and it then became a part of the illusion.”

    Mr Marine was beside himself in disbelief, “you can’t destroy someone else’s property like that. My father gave me that watch!”

    Without any sign of emotion, The Incredible Mr Tubbington pours some coffee into a plain white mug. “You know” he said, “there really is a lot of magic in this world. I see it everyday. It helps me to become the best illusionist I can be. Perhaps you should pay more attention to the evey-day magic more often.”

    The three warriors look puzzled at each other. “Is he serious?” mumbled Mr Tyranid.

    The Incredible Mr Tubbington walked over to Mr Marine and offers him the mug of coffee. “Here, have this. I think you might just find what you’re looking for.”

    Mr Marine paused for a moment and then looked down into the mug he had just received. Do you know what was inside that mug?

    A chocolate biscuit.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…

    …and I don’t know what happens next because I don’t have a copy of the game.

    How ironic.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…

    …and start taking part in a game of rock/paper/scissors to decide who’s going to win THIS time around.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…

    The Barte-Never gonna give you up
    Never gonna let you down
    Never gonna run around and desert you
    Never gonna make you cry
    Never gonna say goodbye
    Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… shortly followed by an Eldar, Tau, Necron, Imperial guard, Dark Eldar, a Sister of battle and a chaos lord. They all proclaim the bar is of the greatest strategic/cultural/spiritual importance and proceed to waste MILLIONS of lives to conquer it… Dawn of war 2: BAR CRUSADE.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… but the Tyranid suffers a NAT negotiation error and vanishes. The Ork loses his ‘games for windows live’ connection and vanishes. Then the Space Marine decides to go hang with the Germans in the Company of Heroes bar because doing the single player drinking in Dawn of War 2 is kinda boring and unsatisfying.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and are greeted by a Terran Marine a Protoss Warrior and a Zerg hydralisk who are all on their way out. The Space Marine remarks “Video game brother, where have you been?! People have been waiting for an age to see you again!”. The Terran and Protoss glare dark looks at the Zerg, and after an awkward moments silence, the Terran finally speaks. “Brothers, let me say this. If you ever happen to kill a whore in a sleazy bar, there are two things you should not do. One,don’t admit that you killed her.” at which the Terran glares strongly at the Zerg, who responses with a devilish grin showing its razor sharp teeth. “And two, NEVER and I mean NEVER offer to ‘work off’ the debt”. At this time he glares at the Protoss warrior, who stares at his feet, hiding his guilt. The Starcraft warriors then quickly exit the bar, with the Terran exhibiting a noticeable ‘limp’ to his strides. The Ork and Tyranid each place a hand and claw on the Space Marines shoulder, both hosting maniacal grins. The Ork remarks “Space Boy, yoose in for an interestin’ night!”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…
    Space Marine: “Insulting, religious and racist comment”.
    Ork: “Stereotypical ork one dimensional response”.
    Tyranid: “Verbal and physically violent non sequitor”.
    Barman: “Ages old role defined punchline”.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…
    and are immediatly bludgened to death by a Blonde, a Rabbi and an Irishman for stealing their joke.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…” The Ork just wants the marine to shut up about how great the Emperor is and the Tyranid just wants someone to care for him and feed him from time to time. The Tyranid stabs the Space Marine in the head with his talon and brings the head to the Ork. The Ork says, “Thank WAAAAAAAHHHH!!! the Marine is dead.” The Ork feeling good pats the Tyranid and says, “Let’s go home and I’ll feed you some humans…… and maybe my brother.” They walk outside and the Ork does not seem to remember how they arrived at the top of the mountain this bar is on. Thinking he is clever, the Ork calls the Tyranid over and snaps his neck and then makes a glider type device out of the leathery parts of the Tyranid’s skin. Proud in his invention, the Ork jumos off the side of the mountain and begins to glide. Out of nowhere, the hover vehicle they used to get the three of them up there, suddenly hits the Ork and breaks his spine killing the Ork. The thieves look back and say “Baahhh, it was just an Ork.” Two other guys watching the entire scene sit back and say “I wish it was always that easy getting rid of religious fanatics, blood thirsty warmongers and rare species.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…

    Pull out a rulebook and say, what the hell is the Fantasy b/s anyway.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and settle in for a mammoth drinking session. The three set straight into knocking back shots of Rock Tequila and chasing it with Space Beer, round after round going down. In a short space of time the Tyranid is absolutely maggoted and has lost all sense of the Hive Mind and collapses off his bar stool. The smashed Ork kneels down next to him says to the Space Marine “Hic, I fink dat he’s dead, call your Apofecary and see what we should do”. The Space Marine grabs the phone from behind the bar and dials his Apothecary. “I believe my friend is dead! What can I do?” The Apothecary, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a bolter shot is heard. The Marine’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and stand frozen, facing each other, positioned at each of its three entry points. Whilst their enraged and embattled looks may appear to be cause for alarm – the units are minute, largely unpainted and completely unable to act of their own volition. The bartender, unaware of the their presence, is left wondering when the joke will start.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar, and see the barman laughing. They walk up to him and ask.
    What, this look like a joke to you?

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…and the barman says,” If there’s any trouble I won’t hesitate to zerg rush your ass.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and the barman said “cute couple! whens the wedding date set”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… they all rush up to the bar yelling “quick get us a drink before the trouble starts!!” the dazed barman quickly pulls 3 beers and puts them on the bar. the Space Marine, Ork and the Tyranid quickly down their drinks. the barman looks at them and says “$12.90 thanks guys”.
    the 3 look at each other then back at the barman and in unison go “oh-oh, trouble’s started…”

  • “So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…”

    Barman : Sorry, ‘Starcraft 2’ isn’t out yet guys. Nice costumes though.

    Space Marine, Ork and Tyranid : We’re from ‘Dawn of War’

    Barman : Never heard of it. Is it made by Blizzard?

    Space Marine, Ork and Tyranid : No.

    Barman : Get out. Now.

  • So a Space Marine, Ork and Tyranid walk into a bar… And the Bartender screams “Oh c’mon! – I thought the con was over and all you cosplay freaks were done scaring my PAYING customers away, I don’t need this anymore…”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar, knocking it over. The bar collapses and crushes Chuck Norris, killing him. A fire then erupts, burning his body beyond any possible recognition. An earthquake strikes swallowing the bar and chuck norris’s charred body into the earth. A volcano then erupts spewing ash and lava over the site where the bar was and solidifies, trapping Chuck Norris in a place where he can never be heard from again, removing him from existence and peoples lame jokes.

    Meanwhile, the space marine, ork and tyranid walk away unscathed and search for another bar

  • “So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar; when the space marine said – wouldn’t it be great if Master Chief, the covenants and floods had drinks every Friday arvo just like the three of us?”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. THQ have since announced an upcoming patch to stop the bar from crashing.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. Michael Atkinson has now closed the bar to stop innocent children from following them in.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. This is the synopsis for Uwe Boll’s new action thriller. Coming to a DVD near you!

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. In other news Mario has entered rehab for his mushroom addiction. More news at 11.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar in Melbourne. Each were beaten to within an inch of their lives and are now in a stable condition at Alfred Hospital. Witnesses state the attack was unprovoked.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…sit down, look at each other and agree that there’s no point in coming up with a witty joke or one liner because after this many posts, it wouldn’t be original anyway and they all cbf reading through them all to make sure.

    Space Marine: “we could always do the joke of literally walking into a physical bar and it hurting us or not seeing it or something of that nature”
    Ork: “I have a feeling thats been done already…”
    Tyranid: “A billion times!!!”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar,
    20 years later the barman is telling his children “Yep, thats how it all started kids, thats how the war began.”

  • A Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. They’re standing in line getting their drinks when the Ork gets jostled from behind and bumps in to the Space Marine. The Space Marine feels something dig in to his thigh. He says “Well this is awkward.” and the Ork says “No, that’s just my axe.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar during work hours. As a result, Marines, Orks and Tyranids are no longer playable races in Dawn of War II.

  • “So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…”

    Bug Report:
    It was observed on the map ‘The Drinkin’ Hole’ that basic units from factions Marine, Ork and Tyranid walk directly into the bar and become stuck.

    Expected Result:
    All player units have the appropriate path finding and can navigate through maps without becoming stuck.

    Comments:
    This is curious as this bug does not seem to affect the Eldar faction.

  • “So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… the space marine turns to the others and says ‘I took my wife out today’. ‘Yeah?’ the Ork and Nid reply. ‘Yeah one punch…f*cken beauty!”

  • So a space marine an ork and a tyranid walk into a bar to which the bartender says, “I didn’t know they were adding orcs into starcraft 2?”.

    Later that evening the bartender is found dead, nailed to the wall. Written in blood underneath is sorry remains are the puzzling words “Stop using our IP drazzilb”.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…, the door closes and the bartender asks the space marine “what happned to those two?”. “Well John, they just walked into a Space Marine bar.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… and the bartender goes “All your capture points are belong to us…”

    So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar… and the bartender goes “Bout time you boys showed up. Now we can get ‘In the Navy’ a happening. Tell me, which one of you boys is the cowboy? Giddy Up!…”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar.
    The space marine yells, “Right! i Predict england will win by 79 runs! If they lose, we’ll leave this planet for good!” pointing at the cricket match playing on the bar TV screen.
    The ork replies “I rekan Austraya by 52! If not, we’ll sARenDAR!

    The tyranid ponders. Reaches into his pocket, throws 3 die onto the table and studies them. Later hisses “I suspect it’ll be a draw, Im afriad”.

    Sure enough, after hours of play, the game finished on a draw. The space marine up and left, while the orks surrendered and were later devoured by the tyranid.
    Which just goes to show, in the heat of battle, sometimes all you can do it rely on the roll of the dice.

  • So, a space maine and ork and a tyranid walk into a bar..

    After a few rounds a necron also walks into the bar, orders a pint of oil, turns around and shoots the tyranid.

    The Space Marine and the Ork arn’t going to put up with the murder or their friend, so they knock over the table and start firing back.

    The fire fight continues for a few hours, all manner of patrons are being Gaussed and boltered to death. The barman, who is a little uncomfortable with the whole thing, calls the local police.
    The police rock up and open fire on space marine, the ork and the necron. The battle soon spills out onto the street, now cars, buildings, mail boxes, and cute puppys alike are being destroyed by the battle.
    Soon local gangs are joining in to the fray and eventually the whole city is engulfed in war.

    Thus proving Gauss and Effect.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and sit down next to a wizened Eldar. The Eldar (well into his cups!) says “Stuff the war, let’s get hammered!”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar.
    The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of lame attempt at winning a competition?”

    Well I think it is anyway…

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar.

    All three notice that their banshee friend is strangely absent, funnily none of them have seen her in the last week or so.

    Moving through the bar all three notice a surprising amount of tyranids milling around the place.

    Not letting that distract him the space marines walks straight up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender pauses. Than crashes to desktop.

    … i joke i joke

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…

    As they sit down at a table, across the room they see a green-skinned femme fatale with insectoid wings. Grinning at each other they try to chat her up. The orc goes in first. He grabs her and yell’s “ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME!” which is followed by a swift kick to his nads. As the ork falls to the floor screaming “WAGGGHHHH”, the tyranid gulps and tries his luck. After half an hour chatting, the woman burst out laughing and the Tyrainid sulks back to his seat. “I dont believe it, she thinks i’m a zergling” says the Tyranid. “Hell, it’s about time!” says the space marine as he stands and walks up to her. As he get’s to her the bar door bursts open, Jim Raynor yelling “Kerrigan?!?, and what the hell Tychus, whats with the red getup?”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…the bartend says “so, of all the bars around you come to this place”? I assume it’s a beer +10RADS then..it’s on the house, I suggest you organize a clean up service so i don’t have to deal with your filthy bodies..

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar and each order a beer. The bartender hands them there beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer.

    Well the Tyranid pushes the beer aside and says, “That’s disgusting.”

    The Space Marine pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer.

    The Ork pulls the fly out, sets it on the counter and shouts, “SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD.”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…
    and the man behind the bar says, “hey, we don’t serve your kind in here, get back to war!”

  • A Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar…

    The Ork orders a pint of Gorka Ale (botique style!). The bartender draws him the pint and places it on the bar. The Ork smashes the full pint over the bar. When the bartender asks why, the Ork explains on his homeworld they have too much ale.

    The Tyranid mutters that he would like a pint of blood and bile (every Tyranid’s choice of refreshment). The bartender serves it up for him, whereupon the Tyranid promptly throws it at the wall. The Tyrnaid tells the bartender that on the swarm planets there is far too much blood and bile.

    The Space Marine politely asks the bartender for a pint of whiskey (real men drink it in pints y’know!). The bartender tentatively passes the pint across the ba as the Space Marine unslings his Heavy Bolter and shoots the Ork and Tyranid. The bartender is taken aback at this, but the Space Marine explains on his planet they have far too many Orks and Tyranids.

    To the Space Marines surprise he is quickly disintegrated from with a fusion gun blast. “Bloody younger races” mutters the Eldar bartender.

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar, and the barkeeper yells “Get out of here, you damn kids, the cosplay’s next door!”

  • So, a Space Marine, an Ork and a Tyranid walk into a bar. The space marine walks up to a hot chick and tries to claim her in the name of the emperor. The Ork pushes the space marine out of the way and says “Big iz best”. To her disgust she turns away only to face the Tyranid. She screams and goes running back to the Space Marine

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