Bask In The Wonderful Badness Of A Cheap Coast Guard Game

Feeling seasick? Don’t worry, Finn Asdair and the brave men and women of generic country’s Coast Guard are here to help. This bold new $US19.99 simulation adventure on Steam is bold, new, $US19.99 and on Steam. For more than that, watch me play.

Launched this week on that digital distribution platform I mentioned previously, Coast Guard is one of those new games that pops up on Steam all of the sudden looking like it might be really bad while at the same time fostering a sliver of hope that it just might be a gem in the rough.

Rough. That’s a good word. Let’s keep that one in mind. Ooo, how about “rough seas ahead!” Even better. Let’s play.

Jump to the 11:00 mark for the (un)official Coast Guard Water Cannon theme song.

Developed by Germany’s Reality Twist studio, Coast Guard tells the story of a brave Coast Guard officer in the most annoying fashion possible.

We begin with a flash of first-person entrapment. Then we flash back to what occurred just before that happened — a mildly exciting sea chase complete with burning oil slicks. Then we flash forward to the vessel the lead character is trapped on. Then we wake up as if it all was a dream, only it wasn’t. Was it? We undergo a routine Coast Guard mission and then flash…forward? Backward? Into a different reality? Back to the ship the hero is trapped on. He walks a few feet, notices a newspaper clipping and then flashes back again to a different mission goddammit.

All of this punctuated by some of the worst voice acting this side of Resident Evil, incredibly wooden characters…

…and some passable if a mite glitchy/sloppy boat simulation action.

Don’t worry, I’ve got this.

There we go. I guess.

Coast Guard is exactly the awkward mix of amateur production and rough (there’s that word) edges that one expects of a $US19.99 adventure quietly slipping on to Steam. It’s almost charming, really. There’s a radio station that only plays two songs separated by a man saying “You’re listening to number one radio station.” There are characters speaking who clearly do not know what they are saying or what context it is being said in.

And who doesn’t love a good floating coffee cup?

Despite the supposed seriousness of its story, Coast Guard is destined to be the sort of game folks pick up on sale when they need a laugh. I’ve already gotten several.