Bruce Wayne Is A Goddamn Monster

Bruce Wayne has had to do a lot of questionable things in his time as the Dark Knight — that conflict and struggle is what makes Batman such a compelling character. But I have never felt more betrayed by a comic book as I was today, to discover that Bruce Wayne eats hamburgers with a knife and fork.

Before this incident of burger madness, the opening to today's Batman #16 — by Tom King, David Finch, Jordie Bellaire and John Workman — is actually a total delight. As Bane begins to make his moves against Batman directly in Gotham City, Bruce assembles as much of the Batfamily as he can to instruct them to get out of town (because he's Batman and Batman does things alone, don't you know).

The problem is, Dick Grayson is sick of having to meet up in the Batcave, so somehow, through a sheer force of will that we sadly we don't get to see on-panel, he convinces Bruce, Damien, Jason Todd and new not-Robin Duke to meet up at Batburger, a Batman-themed fast food restaurant.

Bruce is not impressed.

The get-together itself is adorable, mainly because of Jason and Damien's incessant bickering with each other, even while Bruce very calmly tells them all to get the hell out of dodge before Bane kills them all to strike out at Batman. But not even the threat of death at the hands of Bane can prepare anyone for the moment Bruce calmly sets his burger down on the table, cracks out a knife and fork and starts cutting into the damn thing.

Damien Wayne is such a delightful little shit.

Only Duke has the reasonable response of being shaken to his very core, because apparently his fellow Bat-wards have already seen this happen before. Dick even says it's because of Bruce being raised by Alfred, but I don't know. This is just too much, I think even Alfred would squirm at eating a burger with a knife and fork like some sort of alien being who's never seen a burger before in their life.

Does Bruce do it just to fuck with people? Is it another distancing tactic? Is Bruce Wayne so thoroughly, hilariously over-prepared at all times that he's even thinking about playing mind games while he's eating a goddamn hamburger?

I want to believe. Because the alternative is believing that Batman is in fact the biggest criminal of them all.


Comments

    Hey there's nothing wrong with using cutlery if you have to contend with some lengthy facial hair and don't want to end up wearing the damn thing instead.

    But he doesn't have that problem so monster confirmed.

      The only time to use cutlery on a hamburger is if you're too senile to bite it. :)

      Last edited 02/02/17 5:58 pm

        I can't deny that I've been accused as such :P

    Cutlery user here, wasnt till my 'teen rebellious' stage did I start eating with my hands like a savage :P
    I still eat pizza with a knife and fork though

    Im more curious about what jokerized fries are, LSD sprinkles?

      Red, white and green sauce. It was on another page, but it doesn't go any deeper.

      EDIT: I know its a little spoilery, but Jason has the best line where he says "I know I shouldn't, after the crowbar and all, but I love me some jokerized seasoning". To which Dick replies "That's why your the rebel, Jay. Keep sticking it to the man, one fry at a time".

      Tom King is so good when it comes to characters.

      Last edited 02/02/17 10:52 pm

    Remember, Bruce is the mask, not Batman. As such, it's a carefully constructed persona meant to simulate a snobbish, fastidious millionaire disconnected from the masses. Eating a burger with cutlery checks out.

    I eat some of those types of feeds with cutlery but I think I have a valid reason.

    The enamel in my teeth is soft and (you guessed it) some biting actions can break the restorations off.

    Pretty much any scene with all the Robins together always makes me happy.

    Eating burgers, pizza, kebabs, or just about anything fast food with a knife and fork is proof that society needs a good reboot... monsters, all of you!

    He's a personal friend of Mr. Pitt and....

    I'm sure he also eats his M&Ms with a spoon.

    If the burger is too big to hold properly (and I mean both vertically and horizontally), or if it's falling out of itself, I'd grab a knife and fork. Its better than wearing the damned burger.

    Last edited 03/02/17 8:47 am

      Some of the burgers I've had at various pubs or restaurants have definitely been too large to eat with your hands. The giveaway sign is when they serve them to you with the top off and to the side, so you've got two monolithic halves. I tried eating them with hands the first couple of times and then turned to cutlery.

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