Elden Ring’s Moody Intro Proves From Software Is Back On Its Bullshit

Elden Ring’s Moody Intro Proves From Software Is Back On Its Bullshit
Screenshot: From Software / ilory

Dark Souls developer From Studios’ next adventure, the open-world Elden Ring, is right around the corner, which naturally means copies are leaking into the wild ahead of its official February 25 release date. And while gameplay footage is all well and good, we’ve seen a bunch of that already. No, what has me more excited is witnessing the game’s ridiculously intense intro cinematic in all its glory.

Like many of its “Soulsborne” predecessors, Elden Ring establishes its world by way of an extensive lore dump and some exceptional artwork, but it really seems as if the folks at From Software were trying to outdo themselves with this one. The exorbitant amount of under- and unexplained proper nouns, while doing a lot of work to flesh out the largely unknown setting, makes it feel more like a Dark Souls parody than an honest-to-goodness game.

I mean, just watch it for yourself. I dare you to disagree with me.

And because I’m unsure how long this upload will live with publisher Bandai Namco on the hunt for such things, here’s the full narration in text form:

The fallen leaves tell a story.

The great Elden Ring was shattered.

In our home, across the fog, the Lands Between.

Now, Queen Marika the Eternal is nowhere to be found, and in the Night of the Black Knives, Godwyn the Golden was first to perish.

Soon, Marika’s offspring, demigods all, claimed the shards of the Elden Ring.

The mad taint of their newfound strength triggered the Shattering.

A war from which no lord arose.

A war leading to abandonment by the Greater Will.

Arise now, ye Tarnished.

Ye dead, who yet live.

The call of long-lost grace speaks to us all.

Hoarah Loux, chieftan of the badlands.

The ever-brilliant Goldmask.

Fia, the Deathbed Companion.

The loathsome Dung Eater.

And Sir Gideon Ofnir, the All-knowing.

I’m already having a lot of fun imagining George R. R. Martin enjoying a nice, quiet breakfast, only to send his plate of eggs and potatoes flying as he stands up and rushes for his Elden Ring notes to hurriedly scribble the name “Dung Eater” in a burst of inspiration. I very much look forward to demolishing Mr. Shitbreath once I finally get my hands on the game.

 

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