On August 15, “Mike Hawk” (his words, not mine) uploaded a Spider-Man Remastered modification to Nexus Mods that “replaces Newton’s Prism’s artifacts with the stars and stripes,” its description said. But the mod, surreptitiously named “Non-Newtonian New York,” wasn’t the work of a rogue Isaac Newton hater crusading through time to challenge the physicist’s glass prism experiment. It was just some modern homophobia, and it replaced pride flags throughout Spider-Man’s New York with the U.S. flag. A bold move for someone with a username that’s meant to sound like “My Cock,” I know.
Soon after it appeared, Nexus Mods told We Got This Covered that it removed the mod and banned My Cock and his alternative account from the site, but internet dirt dies hard. The mod was uploaded to the non-profit Internet Archive, and though the file comes with an “inappropriate or offensive” content warning, the link works. The comments on the site give fantastic insight into what happens when cerebrospinal fluid is gradually replaced with Mountain Dew.
People are writing many disgusting words that likely make them feel big and strong, and some freely reference liberal “snowflakes” and their “triggered” fragility. The commenters taunt and mock the snowflakes despite themselves being so sensitive that they immediately shit their pants upon seeing a rainbow in a Spider-Man game. It’s like when babies cry after being given the wrong face paint at a very special fourth birthday party.
“If you see this and think it’s because of hate, then you need look within yourself,” one commenter said, really meaning to say, “I just shit myself because my mum’s second cousin painted a butterfly on my face even though I asked for a pirate.” But all right, commenter, I’m performing the “look within myself function” now…
Results are in. Yep, everyone who types slurs and “kys” with perverted five-star glee is definitely a homophobic loser. Thanks for encouraging me to check.
But the incredibly triggered Non-Newtonian New York mod will likely continue to live on Internet Archive. The site’s terms of service permit but don’t endorse “objectionable” content since, understandably, it’s an archive of the disease-ridden funhouse that is the internet. Unfortunately for us, the internet’s users and makers, Internet Archive forces us to consider how uncreative drivel like “Non-Newtonian New York” are part of our legacy.
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