I have a reverential dedication to Elden Ring that I normally reserve only for the worst reality TV you’ve ever seen — surprising, but after a year of playing and on the eve of Valentine’s Day, I’m starting to think that they’re not so different.
Elden Ring, like the most tragic episode of The Bachelor, happens to be full of the most painfully single people (or demigods, dragons, horses, and so on) on the planet. Even canonically off-the-market characters seem so single in the way they act, speak, and look (I just think Queen Marika would be less prone to crucifixion if she were really serious about her marriage to Radagon).
Let’s rank Elden Ring characters from most to least single.
Dung Eater
His name is Dung Eater, first of all. If someone sat across from me, drinking coffee on our very first date, and told me to call them Dung Eater, I don’t think it would work out between us.
You want to relate to Dung Eater, since he’s Tarnished like you, the protagonist. But he wears an armour set that’s covered in bony protrusions, like he is made of pork riblets. Flies surround even his non corporeal form in Roundtable Hold, and he speaks often of defilement, murder, and flesh. Clearly, this man is uninterested in making friends or lovers. There, perhaps, is a subreddit out there that would appeal to his dung eating abilities, though.
Miriel, Pastor of Vows
Miriel, Pastor of Vows, or Turtle Pope, as fans affectionately call him, might be a turtle, but that isn’t why he’s so single. As gentlemanly and soft-spoken as he is — a true grandfather — Miriel is also a freaking pastor, you guys.
Clerical marriage is possible for some Christian denominations, but I’m guessing by the size of Miriel’s mitre that he takes this shit seriously. He lives in the church, and if you’re feeling bored enough to kill him, he doesn’t fight back, and he’d die in the church, too. But don’t feel bad for him. His life is filled with purpose.
Rennala, Queen of the Full Moon
Poor shardbearer Rennala, one holder of a piece of the Elden Ring, who also has a big hat and is single, but not by choice. Upon asking, Miriel tells you that Rennala’s lives with her heart broken by Lord Radagon, who left to become Queen Marika’s second husband and literal, body double “other half.”
“And then, when the academy rebelled against the royals, she was locked away in the grand library,” Miriel continues. “In the end, Lady Rennala was left alone, cradling the amber egg Lord Radagon bequeathed her.” I’ve been there, girl.
Fia, Deathbed Companion
Roundtable Hold resident Fia is single undoubtedly because, in her own words, “I lay with the remains of an exalted noble, to grant him another chance at life.” I’m confident that there is a subreddit for her, too, but I’m not sure if many living suitors would be willing to accept her necrophilia habit.
Blaidd the Half-Wolf
Blaidd the Half-Wolf is single because he wants to be. Sure, he’s prone to howling amid treacherous ruins and loses his grip on sanity by the end of the game. He might be loyal only to the witch Ranni, and he probably doesn’t have human genitalia. Regardless, he’s like every guy in Brooklyn: he contains the eternal appeal of the bad boy.
Smithing Master Hewg
I really think Master Hewg would be happily married for centuries by now if he weren’t shackled and kept prisoner by the Roundtable Hold.
It’s not important that he looks like a lizard with a great deal of bone spurs. As the spirit tuner Roderika, who resides in the same Roundtable room as him, has proved, Hewg’s looks are secondary to his knowledge. He’s gruff but dedicated, he pretends not to care when you’re away, but notices that you were gone. Plus, his familiar, hot-tempered greeting “lay out your arms, then,” is kind of romantic.
Lightseeker Hyetta
Blindfolded Hyetta, who wanders around the Lands Between begging for grapes, is — I didn’t want to say this, but — trying a little too hard to be different. The Shabriri grapes she requests are wet, messy yellow eyeballs, and though she makes a show of how nauseated she is when you tell her that, she continues to ask for more purulent grapes even after. That said, after letting her gorge herself on eyes for long enough, she’ll ask you to make her your Maiden. Some people might be into that, I guess.
Melina
Melina, the scarred, cloaked Maiden who gives you an entire horse early in the game, seems to become your companion more out of pragmatic duty than anything else. But at least you know she isn’t afraid of commitment. She would likely be afraid of her fans’ Deviantart accounts, however.
Queen Marika the Eternal
Married twice and mother of many dissatisfied children, Marika seems perpetually partnered, but operates with single girl selfishness. She shatters the Elden Ring, sowing discord’s seed in her kids, and becomes a tattered version of herself imprisoned in the Erdtree she tried to defy. If only Miriel, Pastor of Vows could make annulment an option.
Ranni the Witch
Ranni is not so unlike her stepmother Marika — her romantic life is strategic, too. She’ll offer to marry you upon completing her questline, but it’s primarily because you’ll help her usher in the Age of Stars the young demigod had been hoping for. You can’t trust anyone these days, not even girls with large floppy hats. And for good reason; it’s way too Coachella, 2015.
Which Elden Ring character do you think is the most single?
Leave a Reply