How To Make A Video Game (Super Easy Version)

How To Make A Video Game (Super Easy Version)

These days, it feels like all the video games that are being made by big studios have something missing. They’re not exactly what you want in every way. The developers don’t have you, specifically, in mind, and that’s actually really fucked up and not allowed.

So what’s to do, then? What can be done about this? You send the developer of your almost-favourite game a total of 42 emails telling them not only that their game is missing that one thing, but also that nobody will ever love them and that they should kill themselves. And they respond badly to that for some reason, which is frankly super weird of them to do.

But they also say something that sticks out to you, outside of the standard: “What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Don’t you have anything better to do?”. The developer says, “If you have such a problem with it, why don’t you just make your own game?”

Fascinating. What if you just make your own video game that has every single little thing that you want in it? No, you can’t do that. It’s too hard. There are so many different softwares you need to be aware of and comfortable using, and you’ve never used one. Is this the end of your plight?

NO! IT’S NOT!

There’s actually a life hack that not a lot of people know about when it comes to making video games. Not only does this life hack set you up to make your perfect game, but it also sets you up to make a hundred million trillion dollars from it because it’s also the most perfect game ever made. The bigwigs over in Big Video Games don’t want you to know this hack, but I’m here to blow the lid off.

Step 1: Think of your video game idea

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia

The first step in this life hack is simple. All you have to do is think of what your game will be. What are all your favourite parts of video games? Firstly, its playtime is going to be 300+ hours so you never stop playing. Then, it’s also going to have the coolest protagonist and NPCs, all of whom have their own complex in-depth personalities and AI-generated dialogue that always comes up with new things to say and never becomes racist.

Basically, it’s the biggest, bestest, most bombastic and busty game that anybody has ever thought of. There’s so much content, and it’s all sooooo fucking sick. But how are you, somebody who has maybe opened RPGMaker once, supposed to turn it into a reality? Well, here’s the real life hack part.

Step 2: Upload your fully thought-out idea to your chosen game engine using a USB to USB-C cable plugged directly into your dome

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia

So the business overlords over in Big Video Games don’t want you to know this, but you can actually just buy any odd USB to USB-C cable and plug it into your computer and your brain. Depending on what engine you’re using (this will not work with Super Mario Maker), you can literally just upload all your cool game ideas into it with the click of a button.

From there, all you have to do is make the odd adjustment, like change how big something is and turn the ‘Game Length Slider’ up to however long you want it to be. That’s pretty much it. It’s literally so easy and you get the exact result you want.

Side effects of this life hack may include but are not limited to constipation, skin rash or dermatitis, diarrhea, dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, headache, insomnia, nausea, abnormal heart rhythms, internal bleeding, cancer, death, cardiovascular risks, such as deep vein thrombosis (DVT) and pulmonary embolism, breast pain, loss of limbs, changes in local blood flow, erectile dysfunction, hemorrhage, infection, inflammation, loss of function, nerve damage, scarring, and just having a permanent bad vibe/aura surrounding you for the rest of your life.

Step 3: Get rid of any bugs

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia

Realistically, you’ve already got the perfect game. There shouldn’t be any issues with it whatsoever. But, realistically, there’s bound to be a problem or two. That’s just the reality of video game development, and it’s possible that you saw a beetle scuttle by while you were uploading your game idea from your dome piece. It happens!

What you’ll need to do is get rid of all the bugs. Just shoot ’em with a gun or something. If you see a bug or glitch in your game, you can actually just right-click on the bug and choose “Fix” and then it’s all fixed. It’s actually that easy!

Step 4: Take your fully-finished game to a publisher

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia

Naturally, you want everyone to play your brand-new, completely finished game. You know they’ll love it and it’ll rock so hard, and everyone will want to be your friend and suckle on your toes and stuff. Obviously. The only problem is that you can’t get it everywhere without a publisher, and this is actually the easiest part of all.

All you have to do is take your game to whatever publisher you want and show them the game. Obviously, because your game is super fucking sick and awesome, the publisher is going to take it on and be like, “Yes!! YES!!”. Not just that, but they might even invite you to an intimate dinner date with them and their beautiful wife, who is super into you, by the way. That’s if you’re lucky, of course.

Step 5: Sit back and watch everything go right and perfect for you and your game

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia

Every publication has given your game a 10/10. You’re nominated for every gaming award, and you’ve also won them. You’re making so much money from your game that you’re practically drowning in cold hard cash. You’ve already been married and divorced 5 times, and they were all models, and now you’re married to another model. What’s better than this? Nothing! And just think, it was literally the easiest thing that anybody has ever done.

So next time a game releases and it’s only a measly 50 hours long and doesn’t even have an open world or whatever, just remember: You can make a game so much better with no experience at all, and all it requires is a USB to USB-C cable lodged right into your brain. And a dream.

For legal reasons, this article is just for fun. It’s just a silly little goof. It’s just a goofy little joke for silly times. Don’t worry about it.

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