The popular board game Scrabble has gone woke, according to five grown adults who are paid way too much money to sit around and entertain grumpy boomers on Fox News.
So, before we dive into the cesspool that is Fox News, here’s the real deal with the new Scrabble. Over in Europe, an updated version of Scrabble is being released that will include the original game that you know—where you play letter titles to make words and score points—but will also include a “less competitive” version, too. This new way to play is all about completing goals and using hint cards to speed up the game and make it more accessible to more people. It’s a similar concept to Scrabble Junior, something that has been around for decades, which featured an easier-to-play version of the game alongside the standard Scrabble. The idea is to help bring more people into the game. But actually, according to Fox News, this is just another sign of everything going woke…apparently.
“Scrabble is dumbing itself down for the woke, ” claimed Judge Jeannie during an April 10 segment of The Five on Fox News.
In the segment, uploaded to YouTube, the hosts suggest this new version of Scrabble doesn’t feature scoring or losing—even though it does—and is just another example of how people today are too soft. Or maybe young people are just stupid? They can’t seem to make up their minds.
“They have removed certain words,” announced Judge Jeanine. “They banned racist and LGBTQ slurs from the tournaments, but there are also new words, you know, that the woke generation would be very comfortable with. So is this more about wokeism, this new Scrabble, or is it about HDHD — I mean, ADHD — and the fact that they need friends and they need hints and they can’t spell?”
In response, liberal host Jessica Tarlov suggested that removing slurs is something the panel could “all agree” was a good move, to which the panel replied with “Not so fast!” and “Be careful, Jessica.”
She then suggested that, hey, maybe Mattel—the company behind Scrabble—was doing this because it just wanted to create a “lighter version” of the board game that would appeal to younger people. “Scrabble can be a tough game,” said Tarlov.
“So is life!” replied Greg Gutfeld.
Scrabble is now anti-human, actually
At this point, Judge Jeannie cut in and asked Gutfeld if he thought Mattel was going to make the “squares different colours so as not to offend people?” Gutfeld joked that he hoped so and then admitted that he’s never played Scrabble but decided to still weigh in on the controversy. Makes sense, he’s paid to fearmonger and grumble about stuff, not provide accurate news or insightful commentary.
“Playing a game without scoring—even if you suck at something—is so anti-human,” said Gutfield, likely thinking he sounded very smart and serious. “It’s like scoring is part of your DNA. Y’know? You need to keep track! I’m the world’s worst tennis player…I love keeping score when I play tennis, even when I lose 6-0, because I need to keep score.”
“I’m surprised this new Scrabble didn’t come with four trophies, so everybody feels they won,” Judge Jeanine added.
At this point, Jesse Watters chimed in and spent about a full minute making a joke about Stevie Wonder playing tennis and being blind and also not knowing he’s blind…look, I’ll be honest with you, at this point in the video, I was starting to lose my sanity and stopped paying attention as closely as before. I do know he suggested Yahtzee is a game for “intellectuals” which I think was a joke, but delivered so robotically and seriously that I’m not actually sure.
They then ended the segment by pointing out that board game sales are up and that’s great, even if the woke liberals are playing. People are spending less time on their phones. And then the clip ended and I felt free and ran around outside for a moment to get the Fox News stink off me.
It’s hard to watch grown adults discuss “wokeism” seriously for five minutes. And yet, this is basically what modern conservative politics in America has become. Fox News is just this now. It’s just a lot of old, mostly white people acting like the world is ending because LGBTQ people are being treated with respect, racist behaviour is being called out, and people are trying to be better about not being shitty to others. It’s sad shit, man.
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