Fake Patch Notes Turn World Of Warcraft Into A Hot Mess

A service called “HeirBnB”, Twitch Plays Raid Finder, underwater Ashran (hell no!), Arena matches on Vine… Well, even if these are for April 1, I can see some of the new World of Warcraft: Legion alpha updates working in-game and waking up the community one way or another.

General

• After the success of Warlords of Draenor’s item squish, we’ve decided to perform similar adjustments elsewhere in the game:Achievement Squish: Some players’ achievement scores were getting too high, so we’ve reduced the number of points each achievement gives. Zone Squish: The World of Warcraft Massively Multiplayer experience was simply too massive, so we’ve made all buildings, structures, and foliage 25% smaller. Draenor Squish: Somehow or another we ended up with two Draenors, so we’ve just merged them back into one. Someone said something about a timeline paradox, but we’ve seen Back to the Future like 300 times so it will probably be ok.
• Signs have been placed over many mailboxes with the words “Dance Studio,” to promote awareness of this feature which has existed in the game for over a decade.
• Flight in Draenor has been made 33% less controversial.
• There were multiple class specialisations named “Holy,” “Protection,” and “Frost.” To reduce confusion, these have been removed.
• To celebrate the launch of the exciting new Hearthstone MMO, we’ve added several brand-new characters and locations to World of Warcraft based on Hearthstone, such as: Sylvanas Windrunner, leader of the Forsaken, Anduin Wrynn, prince of Stormwind, Blackrock Mountain, home of Nefarian and the Black Dragonflight
• We’ve also incorporated many of your favourite Hearthstone spells, such as Fireball, Shield Slam, Eviscerate, Swipe, and Shadow Word: Pain.
• Darkmoon Rabbits are cute.
• VR support has been expanded to include the Maw of Souls dungeon, and the first 30 seconds of the Algalon encounter.
• We’ve removed the “Pruning the Podlings” quest from Shadowmoon Valley. The Podlings have had enough pruning for one expansion.
• We’ve removed the “Tormenting the Softknuckles” quest from Sholazar Basin, because… well, we saw the Overwatch animated short and… we’re just feeling really sensitive about apes right now, ok?

Garrisons

• Due to feedback from players requesting to “blow up their Garrison”, we’ve added a new Inflatable Garrison toy that you can bring with you everywhere! This toy is earned through a special follower mission, which we’re only going to give to that one guy in your guild who doesn’t do anything but play the Auction House.
• Several building plots have become targets of corporate takeovers. They still offer the same services, but it’s just not the same anymore, man.
• Followers who are currently active on a mission will now take S.E.L.F.I.E.s of their adventures, and send them to you via Twitter.
• Shipyards: Left Shark, Left Shark, Left Shark, Left Shark
• After several reports of battle pet owner neglect, D.E.H.T.A. has begun inspecting players’ Garrisons. Those who still haven’t gotten around to building a proper Menagerie to house their battle pets will receive a very aggressively worded notice.
• Players who have not built an Inn may now rent a room for the night using a new service called “Heirloom Bed and Breakfast.” Please be advised that HeirBnB is used at your own risk.

Raids and Dungeons

• New loot option: Personal Style Loot. Functions similar to Personal Loot, but items are only rewarded if they’d look good with your transmog.
• Added a new notification for the “Twitch Plays Raid Finder” feature implemented in Patch 4.3.2. You will now be properly informed when your fellow raid members are being controlled entirely by a chat room.
• Typing “LFG” or “LFM” into trade chat will now cause you to just open the Group Finder instead.
• Onyxia will now use her Deep Breath ability less often. Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
• Timewalking has been extended to include dungeons from future expansions.
• Yeah, Gul’dan’s got skulls. What are you going to do about it?

New World PvP Zone: Splashran

• If you loved Ashran, and miss the full 3-dimensional movement of Vashj’ir, you’ll love our brand new World PvP Water Park: Splashran!
• Revisit the glory days of questing in Vashj’ir, mixed flawlessly with the excitement of the Gurubashi Arena!
• Experience the freedom of fighting your enemies outside of the confines of things like “spatial awareness.”
• Take on exciting, interactive rides and attractions, including “Five Different People Shouting Five Different Orders At Once,” “Why Is Everyone Just Fighting In The Middle,” and “That One In The Mines That We Haven’t Really Figured Out Yet.”
• Need a break from the action? Enjoy the Lazy River! Kick back, relax, and let the Honour flow while everyone else does all of the actual work.
• Children’s tickets 50% off with adult purchase.
• Note: to ensure safety of our guests, players will not be allowed entrance to the wave pool if they have consumed any food or beverages within the last 30 minutes.

PvP

• The Diminishing Returns system has been expanded to include defensive cooldowns and healing spells.
• Dampening no longer applies to Restoration Shaman, as their healing spells are already pretty moist.
• PvP rewards vendors have been moved to the Garrison, which has been moved to Ashran.
• In addition to being able to share items, screenshots, and achievements on Twitter, you can now share Arena matches on Vine.
• Cleave is a Warrior ability.This isn’t a new change, we just thought we’d remind you. Please stop naming every single 3v3 Arena composition after it.
• Players who have earned the Deserter debuff by leaving a Battleground early will now be court-martialed.
• Healers who queue for an Arena Skirmish will only be placed in a match if they’re really, really sure about it.
• Arathi Basin: The Lumber Mill, Blacksmith, and Farm flags have all been moved to the road connecting the three points, because apparently that’s where you all want to be anyway.
• Strand of the Ancients: Attacking players who resurrect will now be unable to leave the graveyard until they pick up a bomb because seriously guys use the bombs.

Races

• All races have learned a new language: Emoji! Share your true feelings with your friends and foes in an exciting new method that’s totally not confusing at all.
• The /laugh voiceover audio for all races has been replaced with a recording of Ben Brode. Including the Gnome Female. Especially the Gnome Female.
• Will of the Forsaken has been renamed to Won’t of the Forsaken.
• Every Man for Himself has been reworked. It now gives Human players a 1200 point bonus to their Arena Rating.

It doesn’t end here, every class got some proper April 1 updates as well.