Hello all you gentlemen bastards of the Internet, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating advice column that helped tame the wild, wild west.

Hello all you thought criminals of the Internet, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating advice column to help you speedrun to the Good Ending of your love life.

Hello all you little marmosets of damnation, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating advice column to help you celebrate the Reclamation Day of your love life. This week, we're talking about seemingly impossible situations.

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Hello all you death spores on the flesh of the Internet, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the dating advice column that helps you respec for the action RPG of love. This week, we're talking about some tough questions.

Hello all you frightening skin machines, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the dating advice column that helps heroes navigate the complicated webs of love.

Hello all you love-cobras of contagion, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating advice column to give you the DLC to find your OTP. This week, we're getting in people's heads. How do you respond when everyone has a preconceived notion about you based on how you look? And why can't you get that one ex out of your head... no matter how much better your life is without them? What does it take to get some closure?

Hello all you deathwatch love nodules, and welcome to Ask Dr NerdLove, a dating advice column to surpass Metal Gear.

Hello all you perfumed meatbags of impending doom, and welcome to Ask Dr NerdLove, the only dating advice column that patches a New Game+ into your love life.

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Hello all you post-singularity sex marmosets, and welcome to Ask Dr NerdLove, the only dating advice column that’ll patch in co-op multiplayer two years after launch.

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Hello all you fiery sex meerkats of the Twitterhord, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating advice column that's the real King of Kong. This week, we're solving your dating dilemmas, dashing through your deal-breakers and helping you last all the way to the killscreen of love.

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Hello my motile macaques of love, and welcome to Ask Dr NerdLove, the dating advice column that's mankind's last, best hope for pizza. This week, we're talking about the trials of finding love, when everything seems to be working against you.

Hello all you beautiful urchins of impending doom, and welcome to Ask Dr NerdLove, the dating advice column with the skill of gymnastics and the kill of karate. This week, it's all about the setbacks and disappointments.