Winner! Best Video Game Assassinations Ever

When I decided to quickly run a competition for the Codex Edition of Assassin's Creed Brotherhood, I never expected the insane response we actually received. There were 161 responses, and it took me a good 30 minutes just to read through them all. But I'm glad I did. Some of them were truly hilarious, so I've decided to post a few here. Head to our facebook page if you feel like going through them all.

I was genuinely, as the kids are saying these days, 'laughing out loud' at a lot of these entries. Some were absolutely ingenius. Thanks for all the entries.

Christopher Robin I would assassinate GLaDOS by installing Windows Vista onto her.

Peter McCredie Sometimes assassination means getting your target to do the job for you...

I'd take HK-47, alter his programming so that his pacifist package was in effect permanently. Then I would take him to a retirement home, tie him to a chair and force... him to listen to the little old ladies go on about how he "used to be such a nice young man."

I imagine after a few hours of that HK-47 would be more than happy to "Self-terminate" :)

Of course, the only reason to get rid of HK-47 is because I'm jealous of his extreme awesomeness... Nobody should be that awesome.

Harry Martin Miscellaneous beggar woman from Assassins Creed.

I would go to the local library, rent a copy of 'How to kill someone with your bare hands', then I would journey to Mount Doom. (Being the clingy beggar woman that she is she will follow me all... the way there asking for spare change.)

Whence I arrive upon Mount Doom, after many moons of travelling, I would hit her with my copy of 'How to kill someone with your bare hands', many times.

Then I would falcon punch her off of the cliff. At least she might be cured of leprosy before she hits the ground.

Samuel Webster Dark link, that bastard copying my every move. I would use drunken fist, no way he can predict me then! Unless... he uses drunken fist to, dear god it can't be done, he's unstoppable.

James O'Connor I'd go back to Super Mario Bros and assassinate Peach. Can you imagine how the Mario series would have panned out if Mario arrived at Bowser's final castle, only to find Peach already dead? For one thing, that would have been an incredible ...ending. But then, Mario would have mounted a full-on campaign of vengeance against the benevolent Bowser. And then, of course, once he finally caught up with Bowser, he'd discover that Bowser had never actually intended to kill Peach, and that it had been my fault the whole time. How meta! Well....except for the millions of other players, who would be really confused by the plot twist.

Owen Wallis I would assassinate Sheva From RE5. She would just never hurry up despite my many attempts to encourage her. I would do this by tethering her to Chris and then have him jump off of a bridge. Sure Chris dies as well, but at least it has a sense of irony. Wait a second. Isn't there a proverbial saying about this?

Ryan Thomas Spyro. With mortien. He's a dragonfly right?

Josh Salmon I would assassinate the ship from Asteroids... with an asteroid.

Richard Crockett Assertion: I would kill HK-47 from Knights of the Old Republic using love.

Definition: 'Love' is making a shock to the CPU of a target 120 kilometers away using the power of a mere meatbag brain.

Statement: This definition, I am told, is su...bject to interpretation. Obviously, love is a matter of odds. Not many meatbags could achieve such a feat, and fewer would derive love from it. Yet for me, love is knowing your target, planting a destructive virus in their electronic components, and together, achieving a singular purpose, against statistically long odds.

Charlie Pham Target: Bales of hay. Assassination Method: Diving headfirst into them from the tops of very tall structures.

Steven Ballestrin Dogmeat from the original Fallout with ... oh wait he took care of that himself most of the time.

Tristan Damen I'd assassinate Alan Wake, only for him to write himself back to life.

Mathew Gray Stryker from Burnout 3!!! You remember, the DJ who WOULD NOT SHUT UP. EVER.

“Hey guys, this is Stryker, coming at you live from the bayside, and this stuff is in-saay-aaain!”

Augh, I would come up with an ingenious way of killing him, with a ...complicated network of weights, pulleys and ropes, but screw it, I’ll just break into his studio dressed in a full face helmet and racing gear, and just beat him to death with a clublock.

Evan Hughes Meathook from Monkey Island, for mutiny, being a generally useless and creepy character, I'd slice off his tatt and gore him with his hooks obviously.

Nelson Gay I would assassinate Navi from Zelda Ocarina of time, by carefully setting up and extremely dark labyrinth trapping her in it, then I'd slowly taunting her towards the center with promises of escape by whispering "Hey" "Liste...n" "Watch out", slowly driving her insane as she wanders aimlessly through my diabolical trap before she finally finds a glimmer of hope in a small beam of light shining through the roof at the center of her torturous prison and then having all her hopes and triumphs dashed when i spray her with a giant can of Mortein.

Ida Van The beggars in Assassin's Creed by shoving a whole bunch of coins into their hungry, hungry mouths.

Tim Glennan Navi, from Ocarina of Time. No question about it.

Her screams of "Hey!...Hey!...Listen!...Hey!...Watch out!...Hey!...Look!" still haunt me to this very day...

One day, while exploring the water temple, I'd casually bring out my jar and trap her inside. After leaving it to rot for about a week or two (you can't rush art!), I'd return to it and, with it now being to weak to resist me, remove it from it's jar and slowly pluck off it's wings, one by one, while taunting it with 'Hey!'s and 'Watch out!'s of my own. Then, I'd equip my iron boots, sink to the bottom of the water, dig a small hole in the ground, place it inside, seal the hole up, take a photo for the memories, and continue on with my journey.

In the water temple, no one can hear you scream.

Thomas Robinson Tetris I block. How would I do it? I'd invite it over, and have nowhere for it to be, thus ruining it.

Why would I do this? For never being there when I need it most :(

Felix Tickner Cloud Strife, poisoned hair gel.

Fenil Shah I'd assassinate Nathan Drake by putting him in the same room as the Prince from Prince of Persia 2008. Because they're the same person, they'd shatter the space-time continuum and explode. Then Elena would be mine.

Ryan Crumplin Gordan Freeman, He wouldn't be able to shout for help.

Cameron Rodwell The Duckhunt dog.... a round to the face. I would make it look like a hunting accident. If it worked for Dick Cheney it should work for me. That's what he gets for those years of torment laughing at me...

But the winner is... Rohan Rance Who? Tom Nook.

How? Clunk him over the head with my Gold Watering Can and bury him with my Golden Shovel.

Tom Nook being a high profile resident will attract some attention. Copper will be put on the case, but I know Kid Cat would cover for me. We write to each other every day. Heck, even if he was weary, I'd only have to give him my Robo Stereo and I'd have myself an alibi.

With Nook gone, Nookingtons will be without staff. Timmy and Tommy would be to young to run the store by themselves and I assume would go live with Kapp'n in the City. No-one will be able to sell their Fish, Fruit or Bugs and the town's economy will come to a grinding halt.

That's where I'll come to 'save the day'. I propose I'll take over the store, at my own risk and cost, to get the town back on track. Low-ball Tortimer some tiny amount for it or have him call off the debt I owe for the renovations on my home. I'll lower prices in the store, making town life all the easier, subsidising the income by refusing to sell shovels. I'll have a monopoly on both the Gyroid and Fossil markets and sell them to towns with lackluster museums.

I'll come off looking the hero! Every time I go into The Roost, Brewster will give me free coffee! K.K. will write songs about me! I won't need a password to see Red, my name will BE the password. They'll erect a monument in front of the Town Hall in my honor and Tom Nook will be forgotten.

Congratulations Rohan, we'll be in contact with you very soon!

UPDATE: I forgot to name a runner up so congrats to Felix Tickner


Comments

    Hahaha, I love it.

    Although I am somewhat disturbed by how well-thought out some of them are. Some of you people scare me.

    Oh yes! Tom Nook indeed! he's such a bastard only stocking his shop once a day!! Grrr!

    i made it into the honorable mentions, i guess that will have to do

    sooo jealous!
    But what a deserving win! That was epic use of knowledge there!
    My Mario rant didn;t even get an honorable mention, though :(...
    probably because i didn't actually say HOW i would kill him at first... stupid me and not reading stuff proper like!

    Awesome stuff guys - what a great chuckle. Soooo much fun! :D

      Yeah, I loved that, but didn't really know how to make it fit!

        well glad that you both liked it and was slightly confused by it lol :)

        Hopefully i'll be starting working on the marvel v capcom one tonight after my PT session... If i can move...

    Spewing , I only saw this comp today.

    I would assassinate Lesuire Suit Larry by tying him down and making him watch The Notebook on loop.

      Man.. my partner made me watch that.. i cried like a baby throughout most of it...

      Damn her and her manipulative movies..

      I really wish that someone could make a game that triggers that sort of emotional response, though...

      ...now i've just made myself sound like a 110% softie!

    Some of these are really funny, even just as little one liners. But I think Rohan did really deserve it, well done.

      It was just such a well planned murder. Everything so delicately planned.

      Dexter level assassination.

    I didn't want to go to Facebook to enter the competition and I don't want to go to Facebook to see the responses.

    Keep Kotaku on kotaku.com[.au]

      Urgh, unfortunately I have to agree. I was absent yesterday, so missed the comp, (and the Goose! *sobs) but with facebook being the bane of my existance with trying to keep my kids away from it, it would put me into double standards by myself using it.
      *sigh
      Maybe I just need to give in, and bow to the pressure of the facebook world....

      Hilarious entries though everyone! (above) and congrats all round!!
      (and how the hell did I not even know about the art comp??? I have no time for that one either!)

        Co-signed. No way I'm getting bullied into Facebook this way.

    I knew I should have entered.

    Because I would have killed my buddy Superfly Johnson from Daikatana. YES I CAN LEAVE WITHOUT YOU, AND YOU'LL LEARN TO LIKE IT!

    Haha, these are awesome. Thanks to Mark for putting mine on the honourable mentions list too. Top 23 out of 161 ftw

    Hahaha, that was awesome. A well-deserving winner!

    Tim Glennan though... man, that was dark.

    The winning entry is simply amazing. I'm in hysterics! Very well deserved...

    FYI Kotaku, I sent an e-mail to the tips AT kotaku.com.au address.

    ANYways, Thank YOU Kotaku! I'm very humbled. There were a lot of laugh-out-loud entries in there.

    Navi the fairy and Pepe the Bunny seem to be very unpopular folks . Lol. I can understand why too.

    Man I'm going to write to Kid Cat and tell him the good news. I'll write it on the notice board too I think.

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