This Game’s Patch Notes Are Actually Worth Reading

This Game’s Patch Notes Are Actually Worth Reading
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Indie stealth-puzzler Gunpoint has some of the best achievements going around, but did you know it also has some of the best patch notes? Normally something to be ignored, or at best glanced over, creator Tom Francis obviously found enough spare time between counting dollar bills to write patch notes that sound like they were written by a human being, not the PatchNotes3000 Automated Delivery System that every other developer on Earth uses.

  • You can’t change the past. At least, you can’t change more than the first 11 missions of the past. At least, you can’t if you don’t have a scroll wheel on your mouse. At least, you couldn’t until this patch, which fixes that.
  • With apologies to Mad Men fans, knocking the final boss through his own office window no longer causes him to fall in extreme slow motion.
  • If you bought so many batteries that you can no longer afford the Gatecrashers needed for the final mission, a) wow, and b) you can now sell batteries at that point. Unless your battery fixation prevents you from parting with them, in which case your adventure ends here.
  • If you’re having music problems, I feel bad for you son. So I’m working hard to fix them, and in the meantime I’ve added a button to restart the music: press M if you’re not hearing music and should be.

I kinda wish the bugs never went away, because I want to read more of these.


  • Lucky for you bugs never do really run out, developers either become tiny intermittent things or they lose interest in fixing them

  • The iOS game Letterpress has similarly colourful update notes. Case in point:

    • App binary is even smaller. If the world were just, the market would reward my relentless drive for efficiency fueled by a visceral hatred of bloated software. #gimmemoney #jk #no4real

  • It’s not a game, but I love reading the patch notes on Pocket Weather AU, and Android (and iOS) weather app. Here’s a sample from their latest update:
    “Fixed some recent crashes with places like Darwin. You have to be nice to them, you never quite known when Global Warming is going to mean we all live somewhere that hot!”
    Edit: More gold:
    “Performance tweaks. Men are generally obsessed with performance of all sorts, and man oh man have we worked hard on tweaking ours. We also improved it in Pocket Weather.”

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