This Video Game Review Template Is Going To Steal All Of Our Jobs

Video game reviews tend to feel a bit mundane to me -- I think it's because they sort of require some sort of template. Certain things have to be discussed and noted. That's the nature of a review but it can all get a bit... predictable and bland. Proving this point is this Game Review System: plug in the name of the game, the publisher, the genre, blah blah blah and out of the conveyor belt comes a fully formed review. Guys, I'm going to be out of a job.

Just as a little experiment, I totally put together a review for Saints Row IV using the template...

Review: Saints Row IV for the Xbox 360.

Saints Row IV is the cautiously-anticipated sequel from some unknown, but is it any good?
It's tough to be a third party games publisher these days, and games like Saints Row IV are a good example of why.
Saints Row IV tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. Asynchronous play takes a while to set up, and it's sometimes annoying that you have to wait for other peple to do things befoe you get to have fun. It's not as immediately rewarding as a fully online system but there's some interesting experiences on offer.
The graphics are pretty good, if you're into the cartoony art style. It's not a game you will be writing home about. It's just more proof that the Xbox 360 is showing its age.
The 3D world of Saints Row IV comes to life in a cartoony way, which is nice if you're a fan of the genre.The visuals represent the objects they represent well.
Saints Row IV on the Xbox 360 looks roughly on par with other games of its type, but the aging host hardware is to blame for that more than anything else.
Saints Row IV just doesn't come together in the end, and will leave Sandbox Earth afficianados wanting more.
Overall Score: 2 / 10 Mark Serrels

Okay dokey... now let's try Splinter Cell BLacklist!

Review: Splinter Cell Blacklist for the Xbox 360.

Splinter Cell Blacklist is the cautiously-anticipated sequel from Ubisoft, but is it any good?
When they're not upsetting Wii U owners or making more trailers for games that aren't out for another two years, Ubisoft are sometimes known for releasing games like Splinter Cell Blacklist. The eagerly awaited game is set to turn heads, but perhaps not for the reasons Ubisoft intended.
You're a big tough angry game and you're going to hit people! Nobody can stop your unstoppable rampage through the game's varied levels of destruction. You start the game hitting small things and watching small cutscenes before working your way up to hitting bigger things and watching larger cutscenes. Everything can be hit and you yell and scream and hate your step-dad some more.
Splinter Cell Blacklist tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. The online support for multiplayer is mostly robust, but some infrequent lag mars an otherwise satisfying experience. You'll find your experience of the online will closely match the quality of your internet connection, and how well the solid matchmaking system connects you to nearby players. Enemy AI is strong, but come on, who plays solo these days? Multiplayer is a breeze to get going, and playing against another human is always a far sight more challenging than your Xbox 360 could ever be.
Visually, Splinter Cell Blacklist is a tour de force. The realistic presentation is carried across with sublime attention to detail.Additionally, there is no faulting the character animation on display. It's a testament to the graphical prowress of the Xbox 360 when its in the hands of the experienced team at Ubisoft.
The 3D world of Splinter Cell Blacklist comes to life in a realistic way, which is nice if you're a fan of the genre.The visuals represent the objects they represent well.
Splinter Cell Blacklist on the Xbox 360 looks roughly on par with other games of its type, but the aging host hardware is to blame for that more than anything else.
I liked it, all my mates liked it, even my dog likes it, and chances are you will too.
Overall Score: 7 / 10 Mark Serrels

Whoa, that one was actually really, really good!

Now you go! And feel free to post your 'reviews' in the comments below.


Comments

    You're too much of a quality shit talker to be out of a job Mark.

    Can still tell you didn't write the generated one though - it has no emdashes.

    Last edited 15/08/13 11:54 am

    lol @ generic "The visuals represent the objects they represent well."

    lol I just tried it with StarCraft II and it got confused about it being a shooter or an RTS (even though I clearly said RTS); and Blizzard wasn't an option so I chose Activision and that apparently that comes with a whole slew of criticisms.

    Also I input it as a PC-only game but for some reason they made a comment about how RTS games are hard to play with a controller.

    1/10 would not steal jobs. You're safe!

      Thanks eRonic for the feedback - I'll get these fixed now.

      Live bug testing, good times!

    Review: The Last of Us for the PS3.

    The Last of Us is the hotly-anticipated new game from Indie, but is it any good?

    Sony are making great strides into making themselves relevant after the debacle that was the PlayStation 3. Good for them.

    There's a nefarious organisation up to no good but thankfully you're just the man to take care of them with your sneaking skills. You get a knife and you get to stab people before they notice you and call for help, so it's like playing hide and go seek with people you don't like.

    This is an adventure game which means you move around and collect things and fight baddies and explore stuff. There is a segment where you drive a vehicle that feels like it was added on by a completely different team.

    The Last of Us tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. Wow, you get to play as a dog at some point, which proves that this game is truly cutting edge and mature. This will show your parents how important video games are!

    The graphics are pretty good, if you're into the realistic art style. It's not a game you will be writing home about. It's just more proof that the PS3 is showing its age.

    Being a 2D game, the hardware capabilities of your PS3 aren't exactly being pushed to the limit.The visuals represent the objects they represent well.

    The Last of Us is a greatshowcase of the PlayStation 3's capabilties. The intense visuals require the power of the BR-drive and CELL processor and its clever use of the DualShock 3's features demonstrate what makes this game such a non-event in most people's eyes.
    What are you waiting for? Go out and get it now!

    Overall Score: 6 / 10
    Damien Bradshaw

    ... welp, it's about half right

    Haitaku 24/7?

    Well, first attempt generated quite the wall of text.

    Review: Crab Nicholson Extreme Sleepover for the 3DS.

    GAMEPLAY IS BACK! Remember gameplay? That magical, golden stuff that kept you attached to your 3DS like an invisible cord? Maybe you've just heard mythical tales about its existence, and didn't really believe in such a wondrous thing. Well, the legends are true. Gameplay exists, and you can get some for yourself by grabbing a copy of Crab Nicholson Extreme Sleepover.

    Screw the establishment, man! Oversized publishers that don't move with the times are so old hat. The cool way to publish games is to be a lean operation of a couple of guys who haven't been able to afford a YCMA shower in a week who release games like Crab Nicholson Extreme Sleepover for almost free and grow beards and hang out at coffee shops and have documentaries made about them. Fight the power, unless they don't give me a freebie review code, in which case they're a bunch of pompous asses.

    This is an adventure game which means you move around and collect things and fight baddies and explore stuff. There is a segment where you drive a vehicle that feels like it was added on by a completely different team.

    Crab Nicholson Extreme Sleepover tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. Wow, you get to play as a dog at some point. How cool is that! Damn cool, that's what. Crab Nicholson Extreme Sleepover is a cool game.

    The graphics are a mixed bag. Some things look really nice and the frame rate is a solid 12 frames per second. With a bit more time, or if the game came out a year ago, it would have been easy to forgive the Anime style's faultings. The graphics are pretty crap! You'll be checking if something's wrong with your system, and maybe some people will get a kick out of the poorly executed Anime art style, but it's not enough. Being a 2D game, the hardware capabilities of your 3DS aren't exactly being pushed to the limit. The animation-quality visuals are a wonder to behold which I wholeheartedly recommend to all..

    The 3D effect that is part of all 3DS games is put to good use here, with the game's sumptuous visuals throwing all sorts of things at the player through the game's 4-6 hour campaign. Dedicated players can make use of the Street Pass and online connectivity, further extending the value for money Crab Nicholson Extreme Sleepover represents.

    Crab Nicholson Extreme Sleepover just doesn't come together in the end, and will leave Adventure afficianados wanting more.

    Overall Score: 1 / 10
    Mawt

    Edit: Just some tidying up.

    Last edited 15/08/13 12:06 pm

      Review: Mega Man's Beast Annihilation for the Wii U.

      Indie have been working on Mega Man's Beast Annihilation for 11.25 years now, and anticpation is running high after their last game. Let's take a look at the final version of their take on the burgeoning Sports genre.

      Well, it's no Half Life 3 but Mega Man's Beast Annihilation promises that Valve level of quality that they somehow have developed. Have we mentioned how much we'd just prefer this to be Half Life 3?

      The thrill of Cricket is on display in Mega Man's Beast Annihilation. Controlling these athletic juggernaughts can be a tad tricky at first, but persistence pays off with some stunning moves based on your on-screen character's "real" performance. Pulling off a special, once-a-game stunt is especially great for the ego.

      Fans of the sport will be instantly familiar with the players, stadiums and rules, but newcomers will find it all a bit weird. Disappointingly there is no 80s style cartoon animation of a duck walking across the screen when you go out for a duck.

      Mega Man's Beast Annihilation tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. There are a bevy of items and characters available to buy through the game's inobtrusive in app purchasing system, but players will find that they can safely get through most of the game without outlaying further cash.

      From the moment the impressively lit intro scenes start you know you're in for something special, and the actual game doesn't disappoint at all.Additionally, there is no faulting the character animation on display. It's a testament to the graphical prowress of the Wii U when its in the hands of the experienced team at Indie.

      Being a 2D game, the hardware capabilities of your Wii U aren't exactly being pushed to the limit.The visuals represent the objects they represent well.

      As the Wii U is struggling to have as many games as possible on its potentially great system, many look towards Mega Man's Beast Annihilation to demonstrate what the platform is capable of. Off-screen play gets old fast thanks to the tiny screen, but the novel use of the gyroscope in later levels is a great touch.

      Game of the Year contender? Maybe!

      Overall Score: 9 / 10
      SOLV3IG, Video Game Reviewer

    Yep. Game reviewers are going to be screwed with this pin-point accuracy. :)

    Review: Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon for the PC.

    The original game was a surprise hit when it first blasted its way onto screens a while back.

    When they're not upsetting Wii U owners or making more trailers for games that aren't out for another two years, Ubisoft are sometimes known for releasing games like Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon. The unassuming game is set to turn heads, but perhaps not for the reasons Ubisoft intended.

    Pew! Pew! Pew! The aliens are back to cause havok for you and everyone you love. So it's time for you to get your spaceship and blast 'em all out of the sky. Do you have what it takes to zap the high scores and joystick all the video game nasties.

    Bullet Hell shooters are known for their intense difficulty, zany settings and over the top pyrotechniques. Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon delivers on all these fronts and failsin a stunning fashion. Desciphering the patterns of bullets thrown your way is made easy thanks to the clearly defined visual language spoken by the game's antagonists.

    Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. Achievements are ready to be unlocked, if you think that matters any more. They're an interesting way to extend gameplay.

    The graphics are pretty good, if you're into the realistic art style. It's not a game you will be writing home about. At least you can max out all the FSAA settings and run at maximum resolution without too much worry.

    Being a 2D game, the hardware capabilities of your PC aren't exactly being pushed to the limit.The visuals represent the objects they represent well.

    Performance is best on a ATI system, and you'll need at least a 4400 card to be able to run the game at the now-standard 768 by 990 resolution with full AA and trilinear mimap interpolation. It's another feather in the PC gaming's cap. Ubisoft have done an impressive job of carrying over what made the console versions so great, not to mention adding a feast of new features and effects designed to make your mouth water and your mouse hand twitch with excitement. Not just anyone can indulge in this kaleidoscopic menagerie of dino blasting, though - this party is for owners of the latest cards only.
    Given enough time and money, Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon could really be something special. However as it stands right now it's just too unpolished to recommend to anyone.

    Overall Score: 3 / 10
    Maximilian Hercules, Game Reviewer and Master of the Universe.

    Last edited 15/08/13 12:03 pm

    Review: Haitaku for the PC.

    Kotaku have been working on Haitaku for a while now, and anticipation is running high after their last demo. Let's take a look at the final version of their take on the burgeoning Puzzle genre.

    It's tough to be a third party games publisher these days, and games like Haitaku are a good example of why.

    Haitaku tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. Haitaku was designed mainly as an online experience and it's pretty easy to set up and play. The game automatically logs in to the required server and all you need to do is find some other like minded players to join in the fun with. Enemy AI is strong, but come on, who plays solo these days? Multiplayer is a breeze to get going, and playing against another human is always a far sight more challenging than your PC could ever be.

    Being a 2D game, the hardware capabilities of your PC aren't exactly being pushed to the limit. Purists may point out that the 16-bit games Haitaku is trying to emulate didn't look this horrid, but they can go jump because they are doo doo heads.

    Performance is best on a Nvidia system, and you'll need at least a 8800 card to be able to run the game at the now-standard 2304 by 594 resolution with full AA and trilinear mimap interpolation. It's another feather in the PC gaming's cap. Unknown have done an impressive job of carrying over what made the console versions so great, not to mention adding a feast of new features and effects designed to make your mouth water and your mouse hand twitch with excitement. Not just anyone can indulge in this kaleidoscopic menagerie of dino blasting, though - this party is for owners of the latest cards only.

    What are you waiting for? Go out and get it now!

    Overall Score: 6 / 10
    Wiretap, Video Game Reviewer

    Thanks for using Game Review System!

    Ok so I just clicked randomly, here's my review:

    Review: Viva Pinata Party Animals 2 for the Wii U.

    The original game was a surprise hit when it first blasted its way onto screens a while back.

    It's tough to be a third party games publisher these days, and games like Viva Pinata Party Animals 2 are a good example of why.

    Set in a wartorn part of the game's fantasy world, the game hands you the task of shooting all the terrorists before they shoot you. Some of them are tougher than others. Some need to be shot in the head or the leg before they die, and some cutscenes show you feeling bad about it. Over the course of the game you will have the choice of over 28 weapons and your character has a great rack.

    Where would a shoot 'em up be without a healthy dose of extra weapons to beef things up? Nowhere, of course, so it's a good thing this game has power ups in spades. A few enemy waves down and you'll be equipped in the latest state-of-the-art gear, ranging from wider range of fire to an intense laser beam and my personal favourite, missiles that hunt down the nearest target and do their best to rip them to shreds.

    Viva Pinata Party Animals 2 tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. Wow, you get to play as a dog at some point, which proves that this game is truly cutting edge and mature. This will show your parents how important video games are!

    The graphics are a mixed bag. Some things look really nice and the frame rate is a solid 42 frames per second. With a bit more time, or if the game came out a year ago, it would have been easy to forgive the Anime style's faultings.

    The graphics are pretty crap! You'll be checking if something's wrong with your system, and maybe some people will get a kick out of the poorly executed Anime art style, but it's not enough.

    The 3D world of Viva Pinata Party Animals 2 comes to life in a Anime way, which is nice if you're a fan of the genre.The animation-quality visuals are a cliche-filled torrent of junk which I think is OK if you're into that sort of thing..

    As the Wii U is struggling to have as many games as possible on its troubled system, many look towards Viva Pinata Party Animals 2 to demonstrate what the platform is capable of. Off-screen play gets old fast thanks to the tiny screen, but the novel use of the gyroscope in later levels is a great touch.

    Viva Pinata Party Animals 2 just doesn't come together in the end, and will leave Top-Down afficianados wanting more.

    Overall Score: 2 / 10

    Review: Gandalf's Toure de France 2008 for the Kinect.

    Sega have been working on Gandalf's Toure de France 2008 for 12.5 years now, and anticpation is mysteriously absent after their last game. Let's take a look at the final version of their take on the burgeoning RPG genre.

    It's just not fair that the Dreamcast died, really. It was a good machine! If only the ignorant masses weren't brainwashed by the Sony advertising juggernaught we'd still have Sega as a hardware manufacturer. Oh well. Maybe Gandalf's Toure de France 2008 can make the pain go away.

    Gandalf's Toure de France 2008 plays like you would expect a J-RPG would. You create character, give them outfits and then spend hours grinding on random enemy encounters until you level up everyone to maximum stats. If that's your cup of tea, then you already know if you're on board.

    Gandalf's Toure de France 2008 tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. The 3D effect works well for a while, but prlonged use may lead to some people getting eyestrain after 20 hours. Thankfully there's an option to turn it off.

    Visually, you may want to try before you buy. It's not a game you will be writing home about. It's just more proof that the Kinect is showing its age.

    The 3D world of Gandalf's Toure de France 2008 comes to life in a realistic way, which is nice if you're a fan of the genre.The visuals represent the objects they represent well.

    The Kinect has many detractors, and Gandalf's Toure de France 2008 is another one of them.
    Gandalf's Toure de France 2008 just doesn't come together in the end, and will leave JRPG afficianados wanting more.

    Overall Score: 2 / 10
    Zico

    Thanks for using Game Review System!

    Review: Dragon's Crown for the PS3.

    Dragon's Crown is the cautiously-anticipated new game from some unknown, but is it any good?

    It's tough to be a third party games publisher these days, and games like Dragon's Crown are a good example of why.

    This is an adventure game which means you move around and collect things and fight baddies and explore stuff. There is a segment where you drive a vehicle that feels like it was added on by a completely different team.

    Dragon's Crown tries to separate itself from the pack with interesting features. The online support for multiplayer is mostly robust, but some infrequent lag mars an otherwise satisfying experience. You'll find your experience of the online will closely match the quality of your internet connection, and how well the solid matchmaking system connects you to nearby players. Enemy AI is strong, but come on, who plays solo these days? Multiplayer is a breeze to get going, and playing against another human is always a far sight more challenging than your PS3 could ever be.

    The graphics are pretty good, if you're into the Anime art style. It's not a game you will be writing home about. It's just more proof that the PS3 is showing its age.

    Being a 2D game, the hardware capabilities of your PS3 aren't exactly being pushed to the limit.The animation-quality visuals are a wonder to behold which I think is OK if you're into that sort of thing..

    Dragon's Crown is a great showcase of the PlayStation 3's capabilities. The intense visuals require the power of the BR-drive and CELL processor and its clever use of the DualShock 3's features demonstrate what makes this game such a non-event in most people's eyes.
    Dragon's Crown just doesn't come together in the end, and will leave Adventure aficionados wanting more.

    Overall Score: 2 / 10
    L45TN7

    This one actually sounded like it could be a real review.

    Review: Imperial Glory for the PC.

    Imperial Glory is the cautiously-anticipated new game from some unknown, but is it any good?

    It's tough to be a third party games publisher these days, and games like Imperial Glory are a good example of why.

    Being a RTS, Imperial Glory is hard to play with a controller. It is fun to watch your units move around and make you feel like a God. In Warcraft 2 you clicked on a unit all the time and he said "stop poking me!" and that was funny and this game reminded me of it. The new features are subtle and not readily apparent, but include a slightly refined user interface, tweaked Artificial Intelligence and (no surprises) tougher missions.

    Imperial Glory tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. The online support for multiplayer is mostly robust, but some infrequent lag mars an otherwise satisfying experience. You'll find your experience of the online will closely match the quality of your internet connection, and how well the solid matchmaking system connects you to nearby players. Enemy AI is strong, but come on, who plays solo these days? Multiplayer is a breeze to get going, and playing against another human is always a far sight more challenging than your PC could ever be.

    Visually, Imperial Glory is a tour de force. The realistic presentation is carried across with sublime attention to detail.Graphically speaking, this game is awash with truly realistic animation, all of which is highly detailed and brings the characters to life effortlessly. It's a testament to the graphical prowress of that hot new graphics card you bought for an exhorbitant amount when its in the hands of the experienced team at some unknown.

    The 3D world of Imperial Glory comes to life in a realistic way, which is nice if you're a fan of the genre.The visuals represent the objects they represent well.

    Performance is best on a ATI system, and you'll need at least a 2200 card to be able to run the game at the now-standard 2304 by 1386 resolution with full AA and trilinear mimap interpolation. It's another feather in the PC gaming's cap. Being a PC exclusive game, no compromises were made in making this game with full support for all the latest keyboards and pedals and Oculus Rifts and such and such.
    That being said though, everything else holds up just fine and this is a welcome addition to any die-hard gamer's library. Just don't expect to be playing it a month from now.

    Overall Score: 5 / 10
    Steve Therapist

    Last edited 15/08/13 1:20 pm

    Review: SHAQ FU 2 for the Kinect.

    The original game was a surprise hit when it first blasted its way onto screens a while back.

    Another year, another installment of this franchise pumped out by the kings of stone-squeezing, Activision. Shaq Fu 2 promises to fix the problems that the previous game ran into, while delivering a fresh new experience set in the Simulation world.

    There's over 9 characters to choose from, and each one of the roster has a heap of moves that are hard to learn at first but after practice they get easier. Some characters are tougher than others, and some characters have long range attacks that are different from short range attacks.

    Shaq Fu 2 tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. Wow, you get to play as a dog at some point, which proves that this game is truly cutting edge and mature. This will show your parents how important video games are!

    The graphics are pretty good, if you're into the cartoony art style. It's not a game you will be writing home about. It's just more proof that the Kinect is showing its age.

    The 3D world of Shaq Fu 2 comes to life in a cartoony way, which is nice if you're a fan of the genre.The visuals represent the objects they represent well.

    The Kinect has many detractors, and Shaq Fu 2 is another one of them.
    Shaq Fu 2 just doesn't come together in the end, and will leave One-on-One afficianados wanting more.

    Overall Score: 3/10
    doubleDizz, Boblaku

    Wow, this is so awesome seeing everyone use this dumb thing I uploaded this morning! Thanks, everyone! I'll keep tinkering with it to make it less repetitive.

    Here's mine!

    Review: Carmageddon 2 for the PC.

    GAMEPLAY IS BACK! Remember gameplay? That magical, golden stuff that kept you attached to your PC like an invisible cord? Maybe you've just heard mythical tales about its existence, and didn't really believe in such a wondrous thing. Well, the legends are true. Gameplay exists, and you can get some for yourself by grabbing a copy of Carmageddon 2.

    It's tough to be a third party games publisher these days, and games like Carmageddon 2 are a good example of why.

    You can drive these fast vehicles real fast in Carmageddon 2, and they smash up real good when you crash them into each other or the walls. It's fun to hit the turbo button and go turbo fast. Handling isn't as precise as Forza and there are less things to drive in than in Gran Turismo and it's not as real as really driving the vehicle it attempts to simulate. It supports steering wheels which make you feel like you're really driving like a real grown-up.

    Carmageddon 2 tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. Wow, you get to play as a dog at some point. How cool is that! Damn cool, that's what. Carmageddon 2 is a cool game.

    Visually, you may want to try before you buy. It's not a game you will be writing home about. At least you can max out all the FSAA settings and run at maximum resolution without too much worry.

    The 3D world of Carmageddon 2 comes to life in a realistic way, which is nice if you're a fan of the genre.The visuals represent the objects they represent well.Speed is the most important thing to have in a racing game and Carmageddon 2 has it in spades. You'll see yourself screaming around a hairpin corner to the sound of your navigator anxiously reading out details about the track ahead, taking in the sumptuous visuals. The backgrounds are nicely detailed if a bit plan in design, and the smoothly rendered vehicles themselves feature some impressive detail.

    Performance is best on a Nvidia system, and you'll need at least a 9900 card to be able to run the game at the now-standard 1792 by 594 resolution with full AA and trilinear mimap interpolation. It's another feather in the PC gaming's cap. Being a PC exclusive game, no compromises were made in making this game with full support for all the latest keyboards and pedals and Oculus Rifts and such and such.
    Game of the Year contender? Maybe!

    Overall Score: 8 / 10
    Crazyguy1990, Resident Crazy Person

    Review: Watch Dogs for the PS3.

    Watch Dogs is the cautiously-anticipated new game from Ubisoft, but is it any good?

    When they're not upsetting Wii U owners or making more trailers for games that aren't out for another two years, Ubisoft are sometimes known for releasing games like Watch Dogs. The eagerly awaited game is set to turn heads, but perhaps not for the reasons Ubisoft intended.

    Watch Dogs tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. Everything moves so super fast with the technical miracle that is Blast Processing! It's so super cool and radical, man! It got so crazy that my PS3 exploded which means it's good, right?

    The graphics are pretty good, if you're into the realistic art style. It's not a game you will be writing home about. It's just more proof that the PS3 is showing its age.

    The 3D world of Watch Dogs comes to life in a realistic way, which is nice if you're a fan of the genre.The visuals represent the objects they represent well.

    Watch Dogs is a greatshowcase of the PlayStation 3's capabilties. The intense visuals require the power of the BR-drive and CELL processor and its clever use of the DualShock 3's features demonstrate what makes this game such a non-event in most people's eyes.
    What are you waiting for? Go out and get it now!

    Overall Score: 6 / 10
    Stevorooni

    Often I go to the really low reviews (in the 4-1/10 range) because those ones usually have the best jokes by means of comparison ("the writing in this game has more shit in it than a horse stable at a manure convention"). I don't think that's something a generated review can replicate unless you also has an ab-libs "crappy game comparison" feature in the generator. You know, where it goes "the [game mechanic] is [negative adjective] than [excrement-related noun]".

      ...that...that wouldn't actually be too hard to implement. Cracker of an idea :)

      *adds it to the giant list of stuff to add*

    Review: Minecraft for the PC.

    GAMEPLAY IS BACK! Remember gameplay? That magical, golden stuff that kept you attached to your PC like an invisible cord? Maybe you've just heard mythical tales about its existence, and didn't really believe in such a wondrous thing. Well, the legends are true. Gameplay exists, and you can get some for yourself by grabbing a copy of Minecraft.

    Screw the establishment, man! Oversized publishers that don't move with the times are so old hat. The cool way to publish games is to be a lean operation of a couple of guys who haven't been able to afford a YCMA shower in a week who release games like Minecraft for almost free and grow beards and hang out at coffee shops and have documentaries made about them. Fight the power, unless they don't give me a freebie review code, in which case they're a bunch of pompous asses.

    Minecraft tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. The 3D effect works well for a while, but prlonged use may lead to some people getting eyestrain after 30 hours. Thankfully there's an option to turn it off.

    Visually, you may want to try before you buy. It's not a game you will be writing home about. At least you can max out all the FSAA settings and run at maximum resolution without too much worry.

    Being a 2D game, the hardware capabilities of your PC aren't exactly being pushed to the limit.Purists may point out that the 16-bit games Minecraft is trying to emulate didn't look this good, but they can go jump because they are doo doo heads.

    Performance is best on a Nvidia system, and you'll need at least a 2200 card to be able to run the game at the now-standard 1536 by 594 resolution with full AA and trilinear mimap interpolation. It's another feather in the PC gaming's cap. Being a PC exclusive game, no compromises were made in making this game with full support for all the latest keyboards and pedals and Oculus Rifts and such and such.
    What are you waiting for? Go out and get it now!

    Overall Score: 6 / 10
    Reviewed by Limbo, Editor in Chief

    Review: The Jerk for the Vita.

    What, ANOTHER Adventure? Afraid so, everyone. If you haven't yet gotten sick to death of this genre then keep reading, otherwise...move along folks, there's nothing to see here.

    Microsoft are doing everything they can to get their Xbox into the living room, and sometimes they even release video games. The Jerk has arrived with almost no publicity and now the final build is ready for review.

    You're a big tough angry game and you're going to hit people! Nobody can stop your unstoppable rampage through the game's varied levels of destruction. You start the game hitting small things and watching small cutscenes before working your way up to hitting bigger things and watching larger cutscenes. Everything can be hit and you yell and scream and hate your step-dad some more.

    This is an adventure game which means you move around and collect things and fight baddies and explore stuff. There is a segment where you drive a vehicle that feels like it was added on by a completely different team.

    The Jerk tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. Everything moves so super fast with the incredible system that is Blast Processing! It's so super cool and bodacious, man! It got so crazy that my Vita exploded which means it's good, right?

    From the moment the impressively lit intro scenes start you know you're in for something special, and the actual game doesn't disappoint at all.Additionally, there is no faulting the environments on display. It's a testament to the graphical prowress of the Vita when its in the hands of the experienced team at Indie.

    Being a 2D game, the hardware capabilities of your Vita aren't exactly being pushed to the limit.Purists may point out that the 16-bit games The Jerk is trying to emulate didn't look this good, but it's a minor problem.

    Sony's powerfulhand held is always keen to use games like The Jerk to demonstrate its features, and there's the obligatory touchscreen stuff that feels more at home on a smartphone. There's a whole heap of run-your-finger-over-the-screen and shake-the-unit-like-an-idiot mini games that get in the way, thankfully they can be turned off. Developers Indie obviously got paid in cash moneys to port the game to the Vita and it shows.
    That being said though, everything else holds up just fine and this is a welcome addition to any die-hard gamer's library. Just don't expect to be playing it a month from now.

    I tired it with Bioshock infinite....I think it was a bit too unique for this

    Review: Army Gun Shoot: Deliverance for the Wii U.

    You already know what to expect from Shmup games. You either love them, hate them or eat them with blackbean sauce. In an overcrowded market a new Shmup game has to be something truly special to get noticed amongst the crowd, so does Army Gun Shoot: Deliverance have what it takes to make the grade? Well, no, not really.

    Somne of my favourite Capcom games are Street Fighter 2, Super Street Fighter 2 and Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo. But now they've made a new game called Army Gun Shoot: Deliverance and I got excited. So here's the review!

    Set in a violent part of the game's fantasy world, the game hands you the task of shooting all the terrorists before they shoot you. Some of them are tougher than others. Some need to be shot in the head or the leg before they die, and some cutscenes show you feeling bad about it. Over the course of the game you will have the choice of over 16 weapons and your character has a great rack.

    Bullet Hell shooters are known for their incredible difficulty, zany settings and insane pyrotechniques. Army Gun Shoot: Deliverance tries to deliver on all these fronts and fails in a stunning fashion. Desciphering the patterns of bullets thrown your way is made easy thanks to the clearly defined visual language spoken by the game's antagonists.

    Army Gun Shoot: Deliverance tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. Army Gun Shoot: Deliverance was designed mainly as an online experience and it's pretty easy to set up and play. The game automatically logs in to the required server and all you need to do is find some other like minded players to join in the fun with. Enemy AI is strong, but come on, who plays solo these days? Multiplayer is a breeze to get going, and playing against another human is always a far sight more challenging than your Wii U could ever be.

    The graphics are a mixed bag. Some things look really nice and the frame rate is a solid 24 frames per second. While the exteriors are nicely presented the characters already look a bit dated and fall short of the sublime photorealism we were promised by Capcom.

    The 3D world of Army Gun Shoot: Deliverance comes to life in a realistic way, which is nice if you're a fan of the genre.The visuals represent the objects they represent well.

    As the Wii U is struggling to have as many games as possible on its potentially great system, many look towards Army Gun Shoot: Deliverance to demonstrate what the platform is capable of. Off-screen play gets old fast thanks to the tiny screen, but the novel use of the gyroscope in later levels is a great touch.

    Army Gun Shoot: Deliverance just doesn't come together in the end, and will leave Bullet Hell afficianados wanting more.

    Overall Score: 2 / 10
    B. Johnson

    I thought I'd get creative.. :P

    Review: Australian Politics for the PC.

    You already know what to expect from RPG games. You either love them, hate them or eat them with blackbean sauce. In an overcrowded market a new RPG game has to be something truly special to get noticed amongst the crowd, so does Australian Politics have what it takes to make the grade? Well, no, not really.

    The Government (I changed from Nintendo as it sounds better :P) is under a lot of pressure from gamers to pull out something new and amazing, due to the poor performance of PC. The machine isn't that exciting at the moment, so the pressure is on for Australian Politics to be something special. Shame there's no Mario in it, it's been months since we've had a new Mario game.

    The greatest fighting game series is back, which is great because there hasn't been a new one in weeks now and we were starting to get a bit antsy. With increasing competition from other established and new fighting games on the scene, it's going to take more than alternate costumes and balance tweaks for this Street Fighter to hit the spot.

    Australian Politics tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. Asynchronous play takes a while to set up, and it's sometimes annoying that you have to wait for other peple to do things befoe you get to have fun. It's not as immediately rewarding as a fully online system but there's some interesting experiences on offer.

    The graphics are a mixed bag. Some things look really nice and the frame rate is a solid 24 frames per second. With a bit more time, or if the game came out a year ago, it would have been easy to forgive the cartoony style's faultings.

    The graphics are pretty crap! You'll be checking if something's wrong with your system, and maybe some people will get a kick out of the poorly executed cartoony art style, but it's not enough.

    The 2D world of Australian Politics comes to life in a cartoony way, which is nice if you're a fan of the genre.The visuals represent the objects they represent well.

    Performance is best on a Nvidia system, and you'll need at least a 00 card to be able to run the game at the now-standard 768 by 792 resolution with full AA and trilinear mimap interpolation. Stability issues were sometimes a problem. Being a PC exclusive game, no compromises were made in making this game with full support for all the latest keyboards and pedals and Oculus Rifts and such and such.
    Australian Politics just doesn't come together in the end, and will leave Pokemon afficianados wanting more.

    Myk

    Last edited 16/08/13 10:17 am

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