Ubisoft has already taught the world about the horrors of manufactured banter in trailers for games like Rainbow Six: Siege and The Division.
But unlike most people, Capcom apparently thought Ubisoft were onto something. After all, if you're making a horror game why not hype it up with horrible chatter? That appears to be the logic behind the latest trailer for Umbrella Corps, a 3v3 competitive shooter spin-off from the Resident Evil series.
Umbrella Corps doesn't launch until next year, but part of me is wishing that was moved forward to tomorrow just so I don't have to listen to anything this bad ever again. Here's some of the highlights from Capcom's scripted commentary:
One commentator: "We're about to watch some Umbrella Corps gameplay here. We have the Bravo and Alpha team getting suited up for battle." The other: "Some good gear, you're gonna wear that."
"Intense point-blank fire fight. Alpha Team made the smart move and took cover. That's one Bravo Team member down!" "Intelligent use of cover," the other commentator mumbles.
Umbrella Corps is a third-person cover shooter. You know, those games where using cover is automated.
It's Friday though, so perhaps today is the best time for a train wreck. Let's watch.
"That's what they talk about when they talk about competitive shooters, Matt."
No, Capcom, no they bloody well do not. There's a lot that can be said about this Umbrella Corps video — being good isn't one of them. Resident Evil and eSports just doesn't mix.