Elden Ring’s Turtle Pope Wins All-Out Death Battle By Doing Absolutely Nothing

Elden Ring’s Turtle Pope Wins All-Out Death Battle By Doing Absolutely Nothing
Screenshot: Bandai Namco / BjornTheBear / Kotaku

The animal kingdom is a savage beast that cares not for gentle creatures, or at least that’s the only way I can mentally justify why YouTuber BjornTheBear would concoct a messed-up situation like this one. Bjorn decided to find out what would happen if you put every Elden Ring animal in an ultimate death match, and unfortunately that roster includes none other than everyone’s favourite Turtle Pope, Miriel.

Miriel is an Elden Ring character found in a church who can teach you spells and incantations, sometimes sharing insight into the nature of faith and the larger lore of the Lands Between. He’s also a soft-spoken giant turtle wearing a pope hat, so naturally Elden Ring fans love the dude. In fact, Miriel is so beloved by the community that there was widespread horror when it became known that some deranged individuals actually went out of their way to kill him just to see what would happen. It was a particularly gruesome prospect because Miriel has a ton of health points, so anyone who wanted to off him had to really commit to the act. And then, to add insult to injury, Miriel’s death ends with a horrific screech that really brings home that you’re an awful person who does not deserve the guidance of grace.

But how would Miriel fare against the other creatures of Elden Ring? In this video, you can see him placed in a battlefield that includes everything from dragons to the dreaded rune bears. At first, it’s almost wince-inducing to watch: While everyone is going ham on each other, poor Miriel just chills. He doesn’t attack, even as multiple enemies gang up on him.

As if protected by Marika herself, though, Miriel ends up surviving that initial battle precisely because he chose peace over violence. While everyone else was busy taking up arms, the AI seemed to slowly forget about anything that wasn’t moving. The result of the first battle ends up being a tie, but more importantly, Miriel gets to walk away a little scraped up, yet alive.

Does that seem like cheating? You belong in the Leyndell sewers, my friend. Miriel showcases his dominance in the second round where, might I add, every enemy is actually a tougher version than the ones present in the “tie” round. The power boost ends up betraying all of them, though, as the finalists end up killing each other, leaving only Miriel behind.

Read More: 8 Ways To Make Elden Ring Feel New Again While You Wait For DLC

It reminds me a lot of those classic Mario Party and Smash Bros. videos, in which characters like Luigi emerge as the victor by not playing the game at all. Truly some galaxy brain shit.

As BjornTheBear’s video continues he stages further deathmatch variations, including one where everyone is scaled to the same power level. The Turtle Pope doesn’t always survive, but let us never forget that Miriel is the moral victor here.

Log in to comment on this story!