Have you ever wondered if there are any life questions that are yet to be put out into the world? I’ve got one for you, but there’s a good chance at least two people have thought about it in their life: which video game console is the horniest one?
Why am I writing this, you ask? There are a few elements that come into play. First of all, it’s a slow news day. The holiday season has a habit of being like that. Secondly, sex sells. If you even hint at a little mushy-gushy ooey-gooey content, people go bananas for it. There’s literally Among Us porn on most adult websites, and yet our website stats show regular visitors on somewhat suggestive content from years ago. It’s wild.
So I’m leaning into it. Who gives a shit, right? I’m here to figure out which current-generation video game console is the horniest out of all of them, and it’s not the console that you think.
Hey.
Uh… Hey?
How are ya going, buddy?
I’m fine. Who are you?
I’m you.
Alright, very funny. Seriously, who are you?
It’s me. You. I’m you from the future.
Okay, I’ll entertain this. Hey, me from the future. Why have you come back? To kill me? To stop me from posting this?
Yes.
Jesus Christ, what? Really? Please don’t kill me, I’m too busy! I’m supposed to be working tomorrow!
Wait, no. Sorry, no no. The second one. Is the fact that you’re working tomorrow seriously what’s keeping you going?
Of course not. There’s my loved ones, some games I want to play, and uh… Other stuff, y’know.
Well, I’m here, so clearly there was more to live for, right?
Or maybe I just stayed busy!
Don’t think like that. Anyway, I’m not here to kill you.
So you’re here to stop me from writing Which Video Game Console Is The Horniest? then?
Yes.
Okay, why?
People aren’t ready for that information. It’s not safe. Once you press Publish on that article, everything will end.
Oh really, “future me”, if that’s even your real name!
No. It’s Ruby. Your name.
I know that! Shut up!
No, you shut up.
No, you shut up.
No, you shut up.
No, you shut up, stinky!
Alright, we’re not getting anywhere with this. I’ve come from a future where you wrote this article and published it, and it never stopped getting visitors. The second someone would read it, they would immediately cum. It became a tool for people to cum immediately, and so people became more efficient because they wouldn’t waste time jacking off.
What?
That’s right. They wouldn’t jack off anymore or even do sex because all they had to do was read that article and they got the cumming satisfaction so quickly. And it felt way better because it also stimulated their minds because they had to read it, so not only were people having big great cums, they were also becoming incredibly smart.
Okay, fuck off. You’re a hack.
No, it’s true. Everybody became really smart and technological advancements simply shot forward like crazy. That’s how I got here, because time travel became possible in only a year.
You’re me from one year in the future?
Yes.
Why do you look so old?
Okay, first of all, fuck you. Second of all, stress ages you. I became responsible for a new age of society where nobody fucks, everybody’s a genius, and people are blowing the world’s most efficient nuts due to a satirical post I wrote. How do you think my body was going to respond to that?
I’m not going to question anything because this is clearly a bit. You’re some goofy doppelganger who is doing a bit, and I’m not having it. Joke’s over, get back in the clown car.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but you have to believe me. Please don’t write this post. It’s for the good of the world.
I’m going to write this post because there’s nothing else to write, okay?
There’s always something else to write, you don’t have to do this!
Yes, I do.
No, you don’t!
Well, now I feel like I do. Time travel invented in less than a year? That’s amazing! And that’s all because people became born-again virgins? Is it really a great loss?
It’s the end of humanity!
If people get so smart, I’m sure they can figure that whole thing out. Besides, I’m still convinced this is a bit.
You’re an idiot.
But that would mean you’re an idiot.
Alright. Write it. I don’t care anymore. You are impossible. Have fun looking like this in a few months, dumbarse.
Peace out, weirdo.
Anyway, where was I? That was exhausting. I don’t know if I have the energy for this anymore. God, what an asshole. This isn’t even a funny idea anymore. The answer was the Nintendo Switch, by the way. Not elaborating, I need to go lie down.
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