Do you have any Xbox gamers in your life? Maybe you’ve occasionally tried to talk to them about peculiar hobby? They can be a prickly bunch, and understandably so given how rough it’s been out there for, well, about a decade now. Time heals all wounds, unless you’re an Xbox fan and someone says the wrong thing.
We previously tackled what not to say to PC gamers and PS5 owners. Now it’s time to share some advice on what not to mention to the Master Chief-worshiping, Phil Spencer zealots in your midst. Their loyalty to an embattled brand is intense, and as a longtime loiterer in the Xbox ecosystem I can sympathize. It ain’t easy being green. Here’s how to steer clear of igniting the fandom’s ire.
“How are you enjoying Redfall?”
Bethesda’s vampire shooter was hyped for years but turned out to be a complete dud. Microsoft is keen to forget about this one and Xbox fans are too.
“Game Pass is so overrated.”
How dare you! Game Pass remains the single best deal in all of gaming. Great new sleeper hits and indie gems join the service every month. So what if it’s been slim on brand new blockbusters. Paid Game Pass subscribers will get to play Starfield for free, kinda.
“Where are all of the first-party exclusives?”
Most Xbox players won’t argue this anymore, even if a few lone console warriors will start lecturing you on the underrated virtues of Crackdown 3. But bringing it up will invoke sadness, and sadness leads to anger, and anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.
“I bet you can’t wait to play the new Final Fantasy!”
There’s no surer way to get fans to start talking about the conspiracy against Xbox than to bring up Square Enix’s exclusivity deals with Sony. First they kept Final Fantasy VII Remake off of Xbox One, and now Final Fantasy XVI off of Xbox Series X/S. Would Xbox fans buy these games even if they could? No. But it’s the principle. FFXVI exclusivity was even part of the reason a judge ultimately sided with Microsoft in letting its acquisition of Activision move forward.
“Halo 4 is the best one.”
Whether in seriousness or jest, best to just leave all vaguely unorthodox Halo opinions at the door. Halo: Combat Evolved’s campaign is an all-time classic. We shall never gaze upon the likes of Halo 3’s multiplayer community again. Do not say you loved being able to sprint in Halo 5, let alone that you thought the first Halo without Bungie was the GOAT. Master Chief himself, space hockey pads and all, would not survive the psychic damage.
“Look at how many PS5s Sony sold last month.”
Microsoft stopped reporting sales of new Xboxs back in 2016. It’s been safe to assume that PlayStation has been outselling it almost every month since. Estimates put the Xbox Series X/S at about half the PS5’s 40 million lifetime sales. The only thing worse than pointing that out is telling Xbox fans it’s “not a competition.”
“What are you doing with all those double AA batteries?”
You know damn well what! It’s the year of our lord (Major Nelson, RIP), and standard Xbox controllers still come with Duracells. It seems like a waste and a cop out on including rechargeable battery packs, but Xbox stalwarts will harrange you about how actually they like looking for the best deal on rechargeable double AAs on Amazon because they can swap them out on the fly and never have to worry about plugging their controller in. Totally. Sounds great.
“Microsoft buying up every game studio is bad for the video game industry.”
When Microsoft bought Minecraft it seemed like a smart move. When it purchased Obsidian Entertainment and a string of other studios it made sense. When it bought Bethesda it began to feel excessive. And when Microsoft shelled out $69 billion for Activision Blizzard it felt like an existential threat to a vibrant, diverse, and competitive market for games. For Xbox owners it’s the start of a brave new world where benevolent Microsoft executives will make gaming cheap and accessible for all. Naysayers will be thrown out of the Call of Duty lobby.
“Why didn’t you just buy a PC?”
Xbox owners say they want the most powerful gaming box, but what they really want is to pay for multiplayer and get locked out of all the PlayStation exclusives that eventually come to Steam. Maybe they’ll just inform you about Xbox Play Anywhere, which gives them free copies of the PC version on Microsoft’s storefront.
“Okay Xbot.”
The phrase “Sony Pony” implies a gentle ribbing of the PlayStation fan’s endless showboating and indulgent excentricities (PSVR2? Project Q?). “Xbot” implies an unthinking machine trying to help you navigate your cable company’s automated customer service help desk. Don’t utter this one unless you want the “Xbots” to rise up and flame you all the way from Monday into the console generation.
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