Baldur’s Gate 3, Larian Studios’ award-winning role-playing game (which you’ll find ranked rather high on Kotaku’s Game of The Year list), is known for its incredibly immersive world, its fantastic characters, and the tough choices you’ll have to make during its 50 to 100 hours of gameplay. But it’s also garnered plenty of attention for its cast of cats, which players can speak with if they have a character who knows the Speak To Animals spell, or the scroll of the same name. These feline friends (or foes) can be found in Acts 2 and 3, and there seems to be just ten of them spread throughout the world of Faerûn.
Some of them are sweet, some stoic, others severe. One of them is so beloved that Baldur’s Gate 3 fans nearly rioted when Larian Studios adjusted their look in an October patch. But all of them are, of course, cute.
Read More: I Started Baldur’s Gate 3 While Sick, Now I’ve Got Faerûn Fever
As Kotaku’s reigning cat lady (I have three rescue cats, all of varying dispositions), I wanted to rank of Faerûn’s felines from best to worst—a nigh-impossible task, but one I’m willing to take on for the sake of journalism. So let’s get to it.
Warning, some light Baldur’s Gate 3 spoilers follow.
10. Barsik
With his raggedy black-and-white hair and his frazzled whiskers, Barsik is very cute. But once you speak to him, you learn that Barsik is a freaky little guy, a cat obsessed with Sharress, the goddess of hedonism. Strangely, he’s not all that interested in hanging out at the brothel named for her. Instead, he’s lurking around Sorcerous Sundries, demanding people pledge themselves to the goddess. “Bring her prayers to those suffering two legs instead of four,” he told me. Chill out, dude.
9. Zambomba
Zambomba, like his sister Tambourine, is a lazy, self-entitled little shit. The only reason he’s ranked lower than Tambourine is because his voice is more irritating. This guy wants me to kill the rats in the basement so that the other “servants” (his owners) will feed him—he doesn’t even want to do typical cat work! Nobody wants to work these days, Zambomba included.
8. Tambourine
Tambourine called me a servant ape and I loved every second of it. Yes, she’s just as much of a lazy brat as her brother, Zambomba, but her voice is nicer, so she’s ranked higher. Consider the two of them BG3’s version of Parks and Recreation’s spoiled siblings Jean-Ralphio and Mona-Lisa Saperstein—they don’t want to lift a claw to do any sort of work, but they want to be showered in presents. I respect an outright refusal to be a cog in the capitalist machinery, but I won’t be helping the two brats; I’ve got a lot more important things on my plate.
7. Grub
Listen, I totally understand a nervous cat. I found my third cat, Hellboy, in an abandoned building, and the rescue organization who helped me trap and vet him warned me that he’d be too old to socialize, that he’d hide from humans forever. He spent the first three days in my apartment cowering behind a space in the toilet I didn’t even know existed. But Grub is so nervous he makes me nervous. Is Yenna, his owner, beating this guy up? Why won’t he talk to me? Maybe I need to make him a little cat corner in my camp so he can have his own hidey holes and cat trees to feel more safe—but for now, I’m just worried he knows something I don’t.
6. Malta
I love Malta’s funny voice, which sounds at times like Sir Anthony Hopkins, but this guy is a little weird. When I first meet him, behind an alley near the Lower City Central Wall waypoint, he narrates his day like an old-timey noir detective. I thought perhaps he’d want to joint my crew, since he says that we were destined to cross paths, but when I respond positively to his weird little narration, he basically calls me gullible and is now stuck repeating the same phrase over and over again. I really wish this little chap was in my camp, walking around narrating Astarion’s bitchiness or Karlach’s impatience, but instead he’s just standing in that alley, waxing poetic about destiny and what have you.
5. Tara
Tara is technically not a cat, but a Tressym, a winged cat you can find on various rooftops throughout the third act of Baldur’s Gate 3. While Tara’s energy makes me laugh (she’s got a sort of Dame Judi Dench vibe about her, with her turquoise necklace and prim and proper voice), I’m not a fan of her affinity for eating pigeons. In fact, I’m a little mad at her for it! Apparently, you get a much better interaction with Tara if you have Gale in your party, as the two are friends, but my experience with Tara was just me convincing her to stop eating the mail-carrying pigeons, and her deciding to rule a different roost. Hopefully I run into her again soon, and she’s not lying on a bed made of pigeon feathers.
4. Steelclaw
Steelclaw is definitely a little scary. The sphynx cat can be found outside of the kitchens at Moonrise Towers, either sleeping or prowling about. She’s searching for mindflayer tadpoles, her favorite kind of prey, telling you that she’s traveled far to butcher them. “I toy with, I slice, I tear, when the time is right I will bite its head off and bathe in its innards,” she tells me five minutes into our chat. I respect the hustle. Please don’t kill me.
3. Kira
Kira is my kind of cat. She’s beautiful, she’s brilliant, she’s a bitch. This gorgeous, long-haired specimen can be found either hiding behind the counter at Sharess’ Caress brothel or sitting smack in the middle of its entryway, her ass parked on a lovely red carpet. If you talk to her, she’ll spill tea on the clientele and its employees, and call you her “favorite ungainly animal.” Kira serves continuous cunt, and for that, she’s deserving of such a high spot on this list.
2. His Majesty
Everybody loves His Majesty (you can find him in Act 2, skulking around the Last Light Inn), and I get it—he’s beautiful and bitchy, refusing to be pet and hissing at you even if you use the Speak With Animals spell. Sphynx cats are especially beautiful, bizarre little freaks, with their hairless skin and incredibly large eyes. But putting His Majesty at the top of this list is far too predictable, and as a cat owner I understand the importance of refusing to bend to the will of an especially bitchy feline. He’s gotta know he’s not number one, until he climbs onto my lap and allows pets—then maybe he can take the top spot.
1. Myshka
His Majesty may provide comedic relief and, potentially, the most accurate depiction of a cat you’ve definitely met IRL before, but Myshka is my baby. You can find this poor thing roaming in the alley outside of Bonecloak’s Apothecary in Baldur’s Gate, and he’ll ask you in his hilarious Mriaer dialect if you’re his mommy. That’s because if you don’t rescue his owner, Baelen Bonecloak, in Act 2, the poor dude dies, leaving Myshka semi-stranded. There’s a secret quest where you can reunite him with Derryth Bonecloak, so keep your eyes peeled.
If you don’t get the chance to do that quest, you can always tell Myshka that he is, indeed, your son, and he’ll follow you around the immediate vicinity until you stray too far. It’s rare to find a cat so affectionate to strangers, so Myshka’s kind disposition combined with his heartbreaking story make him my favorite cat in the game. Sure, he doesn’t say much, but he needs help! What kind of monster looks at those baby blues and doesn’t immediately fall in love?
There you have it, the cats of Baldur’s Gate 3, ranked. Where does your favorite cat fall on this list? Let us know in the comments below.
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