Yesterday, Funcom announced its barbarian survival game, Conan Exiles, has sold 1.4 million copies, making it the company’s best selling game yet.

This news coincided with the release of a large patch aimed at fixing a number of ongoing bugs. Funcom called it “The Mother of all Patches”, promising over 500 fixes to the PC version, with some more general improvements coming to the PS4 and Xbox One versions.

Like many of the game’s updates, however, it appears to have corrected some issues while creating many others.

In Mario Kart, red shells target your nearest rival and ruthlessly stop them in their tracks. Marketing company Red Shell, meanwhile, helps video game companies more accurately target you. This fact has not sat well with some players who have recently discovered the software in a veritable kartload of Steam games.

Conan Exiles officially launched last month, and was playable in early access for more than a year before that. Unfortunately, the game still contains no means of reporting other players for griefing, abuse or racism.

I get that there's a lot of patching between the time a physical disc is printed and launch day. But Conan Exiles has taken that disconnect to several new levels.

I hope you like long, involved stories. Because that's the bulk of what's on offer this week, with two heavy hitters in particular: the sequel to Pillars of Eternity and the much-awaited PC release of STEINS;GATE 0.

Keep it in your pants. Please, I'm begging you.

Make that, no dongs at all. Conan Exiles' Xbox One release will be sausage free, it seems.

Survival game Conan Exiles is gritty. On one level, that means butt-naked men hacking each other up with axes. On another, that means you can spend a month lovingly constructing a base, only for another player to destroy it. Over the weekend, a huge gaming YouTuber got a ton of hate after griefing a smaller YouTuber's beloved Conan Exiles base.

Conan Exiles got official mod tools at the tail end of last week, so there's nothing super elaborate in the wild just yet. There are, however, comically oversized barbarians and regular-sized barbarians with comically oversized dicks and boobs.

There is a prophecy. It says that, once every couple months or so, a new early access survival game will rise to the top of the charts on Steam. Though commoners will decry it as "janky AF," no mortal force will stop its ascent. Anyway, Conan Exiles says hi.

Conan Exiles' gleefully dangling unmentionables could one day become a hot in-game collectible. During a Reddit AMA session held over the weekend, developer Funcom put ritual castration on the table.

In the never-ending battle between pirates and DRM makers, there are no easy victories. Or at least, that was the case with notorious anti-tamper tech Denuvo until, well, yesterday.

As the sun rises and the ocean churns, preparing to consume all with the aid of global warming, so too do new early access survival games invariably top the charts on Steam. Conan Exiles is the latest and, well, it's certainly early.

Before you step completely naked (server settings willing) onto the hot sands of Conan Exiles' barbaric wasteland, there are a few adjustments to be made. Here's a not safe for work trip through the game's NSFW character creation, dick sliders and all.

Most video games are shy about showing a dong. Conan Exiles is not one of them.

Funcom's taking its Conan licence to a much harsher environment next year with Conan Exiles, an open-world survival game that challenges players to tame a barbarian wasteland and uncover its secrets. Xbox One players will be able to get in on the action next autumn via the preview program.