Not Even The PS4 Can Save Heavy Rain's Terrible Sex Scene

Not Even The PS4 Can Save Heavy Rain's Terrible Sex Scene

Heavy Rain remastered is out for the PS4 this month, and boy, some aspects of the game have not aged well. Back when Heavy Rain came out in 2010, it marketed itself as a video game for adults. So, there was nudity. And sex. Now that it is 2016, however, everything about this sex scene looks hilariously awful. And I say this as someone who actually likes Heavy Rain for the most part.

NSFW GIFs and video ahead!

Let's take a closer look at Heavy Rain's sex scene, shall we? First, some background. The moment unfolds after one of the protagonists, Ethan, has undergone a full-on Saw-like scenario. He was forced to cut off his own finger. He was forced to kill another man. In short, Ethan is feeling like dogshit doing unspeakable things, all in the name of finding his missing son, Shaun. (SHAAAAAAAAUN.)

Madison Page, a reporter who gets caught up in the case surrounding Shaun's kidnapping, tries to comfort Ethan. Ethan's not having it, though:

Not Even The PS4 Can Save Heavy Rain's Terrible Sex Scene

OR IS HE? This is where Ethan and Madison seem to forget about all the horrible demoralising stuff that just happened, and start engaging in one of the most awkward sex scenes in a video game, ever.

Madison leans in closer for a kiss... only to have the game pull her head back again, so that you can actually make the choice.

Not Even The PS4 Can Save Heavy Rain's Terrible Sex Scene

I love Ethan's expression here, too. I like to imagine it's because Madison's mouth reminded him of a fish he saw at market the other day.

Not Even The PS4 Can Save Heavy Rain's Terrible Sex Scene

But, OK. Let's say, even though it makes absolutely no sense in the context of the traumatic story, the player chooses "KISS" anyway. You know, out of morbid curiosity. Well, that's when you learn that actually, Ethan and Madison don't really know how a kiss is supposed to work. Like, at all.

Not Even The PS4 Can Save Heavy Rain's Terrible Sex Scene

It's like watching a kid mash Ken and Barbie together. For a split second, you can even make out Ethan's confusion, as he wonders why their mouths just can't seem to connect. The struggle is real.

And that's when the horrible kissing sounds start. You can listen to it first-hand, courtesy of this video by Shirrako.

If you look closely, it almost seems as if the two models are intersecting in ways they shouldn't.

Not Even The PS4 Can Save Heavy Rain's Terrible Sex Scene

At this point, things start intensifying. Ethan appears to zip Madison up, but somehow this actually helps him take her coat off:

Not Even The PS4 Can Save Heavy Rain's Terrible Sex Scene

Note the three different button prompts to nail that zipper. How many buttons would it take to undo a bra, you think?

Suddenly, Ethan's mauled finger. Remember Ethan's mauled finger? No, don't dwell on that. It might ruin the moment you're having.

Not Even The PS4 Can Save Heavy Rain's Terrible Sex Scene

Ethan's shirt comes off. The bad kissing continues, because it must.

Not Even The PS4 Can Save Heavy Rain's Terrible Sex Scene

Madison can barely contain her ecstasy. Luckily, Ethan is there to set her head on straight.

Not Even The PS4 Can Save Heavy Rain's Terrible Sex Scene

Ethan and Madison then decide to make out on the floor, because as we all know, nothing is sexier than a motel floor. Mmm.

Not Even The PS4 Can Save Heavy Rain's Terrible Sex Scene

Aww yeah.

Not Even The PS4 Can Save Heavy Rain's Terrible Sex Scene

Really, it makes sense that they didn't bang on the bed. How else was David Cage going to tastefully cover the naked bodies?

It's funny. Back in 2010, when the game released for the PS3, it was one of the most visually stunning games to grace a video game console. Some people considered Heavy Rain's nudity to genuinely titillating. Just look at this post about a nudity glitch in Heavy Rain. Over a million views! Now that a new console generation has blessed us with greater visual fidelity, realism and better animations, though, it's cringey to look back on things we thought approximated human intimacy.

The good news is, we have actually made some progress since Heavy Rain:


Comments

    Or the terrible acting and story.

      Why are you even here?
      Oh wait... It's shithead.

        Shithead is correct 100%

          Really? I didn't have any issues with the acting or story back then or even now.

      Ive never understood how people took heavy rain seriously, the acting and animations are godawful.

      I logged in to say the same thing. Does it fix the gameplay, and story?

    You forget to mention the emotions.

      The PS4 is capable of about 7 times the emotions per second of the PS3, I am looking forward to seeing the improvement.

        But do either of them have a dedicated emotion engine?

          If you got one of the early iterations of the PS3 hardware with backward compatibility, then yes it did have a dedicated emotion engine. I don't think it improved the game though :-)

    The remaster is looking amazing though. There are many worse-looking current gen games out.

    Are we sure it's remastered? It feels identical, more like a port.

    Loved that game, am primarily xbox, but that was one of the few that forced me to put the xbox away for a while lol

    My god the the acting is terrible in this game I never understood the appeal. Po-faced and shitty. The main character I just wanted to punch into oblivion.... Emotion? Seriously? Watch a b-grade drama on daytime tv and you will feel more connected. Hyped, shitty gaming at it's toilet dwelling best.

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