This Wank-O-Meter Android App Actually Exists

I have an iPhone. Angus Kidman from our sister site is an Android guy. We are constantly bickering over the relative merits of either platform. But when he hit me with this factoid - there is actually a Wank-O-Meter on the Android store. It is an app you can purchase and 'play with'. Technically this is not game news, although I guess you could make a game of it, but I thought this was worthy of your attention.

Like Angus, there's no way you'll get me to admit that I've tested the Wank-O-Meter, but according to its developer, FiveAgainstTheBaldGuy, the idea came from a burning desire to record statistics regarding self abuse.

"For far too many years, masturbation has crossed an age of darkness," claims the blurb. "No metrics, no references, no performance analysis.

"Wank-o-meter pursues a dream: reapping all the wankers from around the world and helping each of them achieve the perfect wank, the optimal wank."

This is not an April Fools joke. This is real, and it's one of the weirdest things I've ever seen.

Android Wank-O-Meter Is Probably Worse Than You Think [Gizmodo]


Comments

    A friend of mine downloaded this last night (I have an iPhone and he's the only one in our group with an Android handset) and 'tested' it. Apparently it's a keeper.

    I'm sorry, but that's just disgusting...

    I can't find any redeeming humour in this at all...

    I suppose it may appeal to the kind of people who buy the "fart soundboard" apps... :\

      Geez... somebody's a bit cranky.

      You know what you need? You need to find some way to unwind... relax... release a bit of that tension that is so obviously pent up inside you.

      If only there was some activity that would help you do that...

        A bit of Solitaire?

        Hyuk yuk yuk

      Who would have thought that all it would take is one post about a wank app to weed out the Australian Christian Lobby's Kotaku mole..

    All well and good but I'm not sure if it could keep up with me.

    I've tried one of these before, but it just said "one at a time please"... then my phone melted... and exploded... whilst banging seven gram rocks...

    "Max Force: 3.35G - A merging of Thor and John Rambo!" LOL!

    This app has celebrity backing - Nathan Fillion.

      At first I objected to the idea, but now I don't know what to think... :|

    What this thing needs is competitive multiplayer. But maybe not co-op...

    Apparently Shane Warne managed a high wank rating by opening mouth instead of unzipping his pants.

    You could probably do the same thing with a 3DS to earn those coins...

    Wow, never thought I'd regret picking winphone7 over droid...

    Is there a leaderboard?

      I downloaded it - yes, there IS actually a global leaderboard.

      No achievements, though.

    Training mode, uh? I've been training for a long time now.. what are the other wank modes?

    And what are the other ambiances? They would be a good opportunity for a challenge mode.. 'Parent banging on the bathroom door' ambiance for example..

    As soon as the Xperia Play releases and I ditch this shitty iPhone, I'm in..

    lol read the reviews on the link

    "1/5 stars Easily the worst,pointless, most pathetic app I have ever seen or ever likely to ..."
    by Richard– March 20, 2011

    Easily the worst,pointless, most pathetic app I have ever seen or ever likely to see. AWFUL WASTE OF TIME."

    He tried....he failed

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