5 Things That Absolutely WILL NOT Happen At E3, But Probably Should...

E3 predictions, E3 rumours. Blah blah blah. Who cares? This time next week it all be out in the open - we’ll all be hyped about video game X, and disappointed that video game Y wasn’t shown. Video game Z will look a bit rubbish and everyone will get on with their lives. Or will they?

Imagine something insane happened. Imagine E3 had the potential to be so incredible it changed the course of human history? Without further adieu – these are the five things that absolutely will not happen at E3, but totally should.

1. Peter Molyneux: “My Game Is A Little Bit Rubbish, And Probably Won’t Change The Course Of Interactive Entertainment” Ladies and Gentlemen. Please allow me to introduce Sir Peter Molyneux.

[MOLYNEUX enters to vigorous applause]

MOLYNEUX: Hi my name is Peter Molyneux. You might remember me from such textbook exercises in hyperbole as ‘Black and White’ and Fable parts one, two and three.

I’m here to tell you that my new video game – ‘Shoot various Nazi-Alien-God-Kings Until You Get A Teensy Bit Bored’ - is absolutely the most mediocre, average, only slightly good game ever created.

It will be so completely average that it will melt your brain into a peculiar type of regular boredom. It will not not in anyway affect you emotionally. You will play this game and forget you ever bothered. It will be only a tiny bit fun.”

[Crowd goes wild. Americans whoop.]

Yeah! That’s right! You’re going to only mildly enjoy my new video game! You might even trade it in after a few weeks at EB. That’s how just a little bit good this game is going to be.

[MOLYNEUX moonwalks off stage]

2. Bobby Kotick announces Guitar Hero Reboot – Brings the Reanimated corpses of Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain onstage for Demo. Ladies and gentleman please welcome a man who is totally not the living embodiment of Satan in the flesh, the CEO of Activision – Mr Bobby Kotick.

KOTICK: Hi my name is Bobby Kotick. You think I’m the Antichrist, but the truth is I’m just a regular guy who has an ungodly love of money. And reanimating the dead.

[The Zombie corpses of Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, and Keith Moon shamble aimlessly onto the stage behind KOTICK]

So, you thought the Guitar Hero franchise was dead. You thought it was dead in the ground. Wrong. It’s alive and well. In zombie form.

Now please allow me to introduce to you - accompanied by Zombie Jimi Hendrix, Zombie Kurt Cobain and Zombie Keith Moon on the sticks – Guitar Hero: Undead Edition.

[KOTICK moonwalks off stage]

3. Hulk Hogan Announces A Mega Powers Handshake Game On The Wii Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the immortal Hulk Hogan!

[Real American pumps through the speakers. HULK HOGAN marches on stage tearing off his t-shirt]

HOGAN: Well let me tell ya something Mene Gene... I mean E3. When I heard that this event was happening, right in the centre of Los Angeles, I just had to come man. I just had to let all the little Hulkamaniacs know about my latest video game man!

You might have seen some epic handshakes in your time, brother. But no-one could ever match the intensity of a Mega Powers handshake. So much energy pulsing through the veins of both myself and the Macho Man Randy Savage. I thought, wouldn’t it be great if there was a video game where all the little hulkamaniacs could feel that power man, pulsing through the vibrate on your Wii-mote... brother.”

[HULK invites REGGIE on stage]

HOGAN: Reggie brother... are you ready?

REGGIE: Mr Hulkster sir, my body is ready. My handshake is ready.

[They commence the handshake, the most powerful and intense handshake in history. The electricity flickers, the house lights flash. The power is inconceivable.

Both HULK HOGAN and REGGIE FILS-AIME moonwalk off stage in unison to the Ultimate Warrior’s entrance music.]

4. Ubisoft Admits That None Of Them Are French - Everyone Was Just Pretending FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE.

UBISOFT: “WE ARE NOT ACTUALLY FRENCH; IT WAS ALL JUST A BIG JOKE!” Paris, Franch, June 10, 2011.

Ubisoft would today like to announce that it is actually not French. None of their employees are French – they’re not even French-Canadian.

“We all watched that one scene in the Holy Grail where John Cleese pretended to be French,” began Yves Guillemot, who’s actual name is Brad McAnvil-PowerBoss, “everyone thought it was hilarious, so we started pretending we were French. “Eventually we couldn’t stop.”

It turns out that not only were the employees at Ubisoft pretending to be French, they weren’t actually speaking French at all. Instead, everyone was just making completely made up noises designed to sound like the French language.

“Things got tough,” claimed Jade Raymond, “especially when it came to communication.

“No-one really understood a word anyone was saying. I would ask for a progress report on the latest build, and all I got in return was a series of ‘hee-haw hee-haws’. It was clear that something needed to change.”

From this day forth Yves ‘Brad McAnvil-PowerBoss’ Guillemot has issued a directive for everyone to start speaking properly. He hopes that productivity will double over the coming months.

[The press release moonwalks off stage, even though that isn’t technically possible]

5. Nintendo Announce That Its New Console Is Actually The Ark Of The Covenant REGGIE: Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Shigeru Miyamoto.

[Enormous wave of applause]

REGGIE: So, Miyamoto-san, please tell us about your new hobby.

MIYAMOTO [via translator] : Well, Reggie. The past couple of years I’ve been embarking on a brand new hobby – actually being Indiana Jones. I found this hobby to be enormously fun. Fighting Nazis, wearing Fedoras – I began to wonder how exactly I could translate this kind of fun into video game form.

REGGIE: And then what happened?

MIYAMOTO: Well Reggie, I’m glad you asked. I decided that, instead of actually designing and creating a new video games console, our time would be better spent hunting down and acquiring the Ark of the Covenant.

REGGIE: Incredible, absolutely incredible.

[Indiscriminate, threatening wooden box is wheeled on stage]

MIYAMOTO: So this is the Nintendo Ark of the Covenant. Its primary function of this new device is to actually melt your face.

REGGIE: Literally. Melt your face?

MIYAMOTO: Yes.

REGGIE: Alright, let’s take a look! My body is at least 20% ready.

[The Ark of the Covenant is taken out of its box. It takes the shape of a giant, golden, NES controller. MIYAMOTO pushes start.]

MIYAMOTO: It’s... beautiful.

REGGIE: ARRGHHHHHH!

[Both REGGIE and MIYAMOTO clutch their faces in pain. Immediately the skin begins to peel off their face. Within minutes everyone in the theatre is on fire.

No-one moonwalks off stage. Ever. Everyone is dead.]

IWATA: [laughs]


Comments

    Voice over "Gabe Newell everybody"

    [Gabe] "Half Life 2: Episode 3, November 22nd 2011"

    *crowd cheers wildly...

    A man can dream cant they???

    A better one for things that should happen but probably won't would be Bobby Kotick having a brick thrown at him when he walks on stage and dieing from blunt force trauma to the brain..

    What, too much?

      Perhaps it should be targeted at the shareholders. Or the idea that a company has to forever produce more and more revenue to infinite. Continue to expand until what? They own the world? Then what? Mass suicide?

      Oh shit. Think I just described capitalism... =o

      Why the hell would you wish that dude? Why would you wish such harm on the brick??? What did the brick ever do to you!!!

        I'm sorry, you are right, no physical object deserves to touch Bobby Kotick.

        Perhaps throw Hitler at him?

          They're the same person, so that would be difficult...

      When the brick hit's a portion of his face is taken of and it is revealed that he is in fact a robot

    *Ark :P Brilliant piece, especially Molyneux !

    6. MIDWAY to announce there re-launching with a title that has long demanded a video game adaptation.. "how Stella got her groove back!"

      "its better with Kinect...."

    "Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Jordan Weisman/Bryan Eckman"

    "The Mechwarrior reboot has been retitled, Mechwarrior: Forever and will be released within the next five years..."

    [Crowd goes quiet because they were already aware that this would happen]

      Actually, what the hell is Eckman's job at Piranha... is he the development lead or something?

        He is one of the founders of Piranha Games, there has been absolutely nothing directly connected to the MW reboot since the 5/4/2011 when Bryan left a comment on his blog that said:

        Mech = :D

        source: http://www.bryanekman.com/?p=242

        This leads most to believe that there is meant to be something coming up at E3, but I am sceptical at best.

    The Ark only melts Nazi face though right? I knew all along Reggie and Miyamoto were Nazis!

      I don't believe the Ark was discriminate. Indy and female hanger-on #42 managed to avoid face-meltery by not looking at the Ark.

      It would be a strange twist if Reggie and Miyamoto were actually Nazis though.

      That ark thing could well be one of the best things to happen to Nintendo.

    bahahahah those were hilarious.. but best is easily #4

    Also:

    EA announces a reboot of Mutant League Football, stating that all their games from now on will be about fun and not maximizing profits and cursing cover picks

    When did Molyneux stop talking like an aging hippy man?

    I love the idea of Ubisoft faking french accents...

    Fact: If Ubisoft was really run by someone named Brad McAnvil-PowerBoss, then you can guarantee that every game they produced would have a 100 on Metacritic. Even the facebook games.

    Wow what a craptacular article

      Far better than anything Brian Ashcraft has ever submitted to this site, yet he is still here..

      You must be german, because everyone else seems to think it was good for a chuckle

      Here, let me translate

      Joo need ach schpanking from ze humor fairy!!!

        oh shit... that was meant to say chuloopa, not my email addy lol

          Zats vat i get for tryink to be ze funnyhimmel

          *awaits ze spammen*

    ROFL, that was so funny :D
    "[The press release moonwalks off stage, even though that isn’t technically possible]" :D

    yup instead we will see more of the we took your beloved Xcom, chucked it in the bioshock blender and heres the ooze that fell out.

    also we're setting it 40ish years before the first game(when first contact was made) to completely f*** with the cannon of the sereies. And because the Bioshock blender said we had to

      Time changes everything - get over it!

    This just in!

    Prediction number 1 is 100% true and has been for a long time!

    Fable is rubbish!

    Should have forwent the section titles... they spoil the unraveling absurdity.

    Nintendo admits it hasn't had an original game idea since mid 90s. Promises to start work on a new franchise that wont feature Mario.

    If only...

    Love the "Iwata: [laughs]" at the end. Well played, Kotaku, well played.

    Satoru Iwata, Kaz Hirai and Don Mattrick all come out on stage holding hands and announcing that Nintendo, Sont and Microsoft are working together to build a single ultimate console that will play all games and save us from having to purchase 3 different devices.

    Cliffy B comes on stage to announce Muscle March 2: Huge Dudes. Rips his shirt off and poses for the cameras. I go wild! *crowd looks embarrassed, yet somewhat impressed at his physical beauty*

    "Bobby Kotick announces Guitar Hero Reboot – Brings the Reanimated corpses of Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain onstage"

    Before they explode in a shower of $100 bills and Kotick jumping in the middle of that money bath.

    That Nintendo bit was hilarious, and sadly I can see that happening. If anyone was to casually stroll in with the ark of the covenant, unleash it upon the world knowing well what would happen, and take out an entire conference of video game journalists, it would be Nintendo. And Iwata would casually stroll on out.

    No moleneux game has ever gotten more than 2 hours from me except fable 2 coz my fiancee loves it for co-op. The best I can say is they are bland yet inoffensive.

    [*moonwalks away from keyboard to get a coffee*]

    Number #6: Square Enix announce Final Fantasy MCCCXXXVII with a newish battle system, and 10,974 different characters you can have join your battle party. Also comes with 'Legacy Mode', wherein you physically pass your save file to your grandson to finish the game on your behalf, because no man has nearly enough hours on this earth to complete in their lifetime.

    I love this article. Mark, TAKE MY MONEY AND WRITE MORE.

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