E3 predictions, E3 rumours. Blah blah blah. Who cares? This time next week it all be out in the open – we’ll all be hyped about video game X, and disappointed that video game Y wasn’t shown. Video game Z will look a bit rubbish and everyone will get on with their lives. Or will they?
Imagine something insane happened. Imagine E3 had the potential to be so incredible it changed the course of human history? Without further adieu – these are the five things that absolutely will not happen at E3, but totally should.
[MOLYNEUX enters to vigorous applause]
MOLYNEUX: Hi my name is Peter Molyneux. You might remember me from such textbook exercises in hyperbole as ‘Black and White’ and Fable parts one, two and three.
I’m here to tell you that my new video game – ‘Shoot various Nazi-Alien-God-Kings Until You Get A Teensy Bit Bored’ – is absolutely the most mediocre, average, only slightly good game ever created.
It will be so completely average that it will melt your brain into a peculiar type of regular boredom. It will not not in anyway affect you emotionally. You will play this game and forget you ever bothered. It will be only a tiny bit fun.”
[Crowd goes wild. Americans whoop.]
Yeah! That’s right! You’re going to only mildly enjoy my new video game! You might even trade it in after a few weeks at EB. That’s how just a little bit good this game is going to be.
[MOLYNEUX moonwalks off stage]
2. Bobby Kotick announces Guitar Hero Reboot – Brings the Reanimated corpses of Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain onstage for Demo. Ladies and gentleman please welcome a man who is totally not the living embodiment of Satan in the flesh, the CEO of Activision – Mr Bobby Kotick.
KOTICK: Hi my name is Bobby Kotick. You think I’m the Antichrist, but the truth is I’m just a regular guy who has an ungodly love of money. And reanimating the dead.
[The Zombie corpses of Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, and Keith Moon shamble aimlessly onto the stage behind KOTICK]
So, you thought the Guitar Hero franchise was dead. You thought it was dead in the ground. Wrong. It’s alive and well. In zombie form.
Now please allow me to introduce to you – accompanied by Zombie Jimi Hendrix, Zombie Kurt Cobain and Zombie Keith Moon on the sticks – Guitar Hero: Undead Edition.
[KOTICK moonwalks off stage]
[Real American pumps through the speakers. HULK HOGAN marches on stage tearing off his t-shirt]
HOGAN: Well let me tell ya something Mene Gene… I mean E3. When I heard that this event was happening, right in the centre of Los Angeles, I just had to come man. I just had to let all the little Hulkamaniacs know about my latest video game man!
You might have seen some epic handshakes in your time, brother. But no-one could ever match the intensity of a Mega Powers handshake. So much energy pulsing through the veins of both myself and the Macho Man Randy Savage. I thought, wouldn’t it be great if there was a video game where all the little hulkamaniacs could feel that power man, pulsing through the vibrate on your Wii-mote… brother.”
[HULK invites REGGIE on stage]
HOGAN: Reggie brother… are you ready?
REGGIE: Mr Hulkster sir, my body is ready. My handshake is ready.
[They commence the handshake, the most powerful and intense handshake in history. The electricity flickers, the house lights flash. The power is inconceivable.
Both HULK HOGAN and REGGIE FILS-AIME moonwalk off stage in unison to the Ultimate Warrior’s entrance music.]
UBISOFT: “WE ARE NOT ACTUALLY FRENCH; IT WAS ALL JUST A BIG JOKE!” Paris, Franch, June 10, 2011.
Ubisoft would today like to announce that it is actually not French. None of their employees are French – they’re not even French-Canadian.
“We all watched that one scene in the Holy Grail where John Cleese pretended to be French,” began Yves Guillemot, who’s actual name is Brad McAnvil-PowerBoss, “everyone thought it was hilarious, so we started pretending we were French. “Eventually we couldn’t stop.”
It turns out that not only were the employees at Ubisoft pretending to be French, they weren’t actually speaking French at all. Instead, everyone was just making completely made up noises designed to sound like the French language.
“Things got tough,” claimed Jade Raymond, “especially when it came to communication.
“No-one really understood a word anyone was saying. I would ask for a progress report on the latest build, and all I got in return was a series of ‘hee-haw hee-haws’. It was clear that something needed to change.”
From this day forth Yves ‘Brad McAnvil-PowerBoss’ Guillemot has issued a directive for everyone to start speaking properly. He hopes that productivity will double over the coming months.
[The press release moonwalks off stage, even though that isn’t technically possible]
[Enormous wave of applause]
REGGIE: So, Miyamoto-san, please tell us about your new hobby.
MIYAMOTO [via translator] : Well, Reggie. The past couple of years I’ve been embarking on a brand new hobby – actually being Indiana Jones. I found this hobby to be enormously fun. Fighting Nazis, wearing Fedoras – I began to wonder how exactly I could translate this kind of fun into video game form.
REGGIE: And then what happened?
MIYAMOTO: Well Reggie, I’m glad you asked. I decided that, instead of actually designing and creating a new video games console, our time would be better spent hunting down and acquiring the Ark of the Covenant.
REGGIE: Incredible, absolutely incredible.
[Indiscriminate, threatening wooden box is wheeled on stage]
MIYAMOTO: So this is the Nintendo Ark of the Covenant. Its primary function of this new device is to actually melt your face.
REGGIE: Literally. Melt your face?
REGGIE: Alright, let’s take a look! My body is at least 20% ready.
[The Ark of the Covenant is taken out of its box. It takes the shape of a giant, golden, NES controller. MIYAMOTO pushes start.]
MIYAMOTO: It’s… beautiful.
[Both REGGIE and MIYAMOTO clutch their faces in pain. Immediately the skin begins to peel off their face. Within minutes everyone in the theatre is on fire.
No-one moonwalks off stage. Ever. Everyone is dead.]