A Cheat Sheet For Everything Wrong With Watch Dogs

A Cheat Sheet For Everything Wrong with Watch Dogs

Watch Dogs has some things going for it. It can look pretty. It handles aiming and shooting pretty well. But the story in Ubisoft's open-world action game is not one of its strengths. Now we have a hilarious movie script breakdown points out all the ludicrous stuff in Watch Dogs. Spoilers Ahead.

A Cheat Sheet For Everything Wrong with Watch Dogs

Over at Playthroughline -- a blog that looks at how story gets told in video games -- a very thorough dismantling of Aiden Pearce's first outing picks apart everything from the character's motivations to the inconsistencies of the abilities he's able to wield.

DAMIEN BRENKS

Oh fie, my hack is being hacked by another hacker! They will surely be coming after us now and our families might be caught in the crossfire!

AIDEN'S NIECE is KILLED in a CAR CRASH, which is ILLUSTRATED using that most SUBTLE OF IMAGERY: A FALLING STUFFED ANIMAL. IT'S A LAMB. A SACRIFICIAL LAMB. COME THE FUCK ON.

AIDEN PEARCE

Great, now anyone with a niece will be sympathetic to me. I will avenge Lena's death and become -- the Vigilante! Seriously, that's what I'm going to call myself.

JORDI CHIN

Why can't you just trace the caller who gave him the assignment? You have the call on your phone.

AIDEN PEARCE

I can't right now. The ability to trace phone calls seems to be entirely dependent on what the plot allows for without any regard for consistency. So just get Maurice out of here.

AIDEN PEARCE

OK, what do they need me to hack?

JORDI CHIN

No, they actually need a driver for a job and I told them you're the best.

AIDEN PEARCE

Ah yes, in addition to being a talented hacker, a gifted social engineer, a firearms expert, a parkour practitioner and a brutally efficient hand-to-hand combatant, I'm indeed quite good behind the wheel. Although that's mostly because all the cars have a very forgiving damage model and handle like wheelchairs on ice. Also because most of the city seems to be built out of papier-mâché.

This is a long script so you might need a good chunk of time to read it all. But, if you've played Watch Dogs and found its story laughable, this will be worth your time.


Comments

    I'm so glad someone made this but no one will care, no matter how many lessons are given, you can't teach people anything with the internet. Laymen will continue to criticise and praise with unrelatable generalisations and somehow feel that it's more valid than rational thought. Wait...

    This was easily one of the worst written games I've played in a long time. It had characters that would've fit perfectly into a Michael Bay movie.

    I'm ok with a WatchDogs movie being made now, why? Because usually a movie made from a game is worse... in this case, it can really only improve.

      That last part gave me a chuckle.

      Personally I don't understand how this game is rated beyond average. The first mission is about the most fun you'll have in the whole game and then it just dive bombs off a cliff with every mission that is entirely identical to the last only with a different building.

      And as you've said the writing/plot/alleged story are just awful. I mean I would give it a 6/10 and a buy only if your a rabid open world fan who likes repetition.

        Fucking system is broken.... can only upvote once...

    Most accurate bit in the entire thing:

    UPLAY

    Hey, just a heads up that I lost my connection to the Ubisoft servers, which means I can’t save your progress right now. I’m gonna go ahead and kick you out of the game. Fuck you

    im a bit over this hate of watch dogs, if you guys hate it so much why are you still playing it
    Why keep eating the burger if you dont like the taste? just seems illogical to me

    i loved the game but i hated uPlay and ubisofts support, but that was a necessary evil required to have fun and play the game

      Because it's highly addictive and despite the terrible plot, we still need to know how the plot gets resolved.

      It wasn't a necessary evil. It was a completely unnecessary evil.

    It does mention in the game that his vigilante name is the fox, its just that everyone else is calling him the vigilante

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