Remember pre-order pants?
Video games have always been a strange place when it comes to pre-orders and Assassin's Creed may be the worst of them.
So it makes perfect sense that the Assassin's Creed movie is proceeding down the same dark path.
Welcome to Kernel, a website that specialises in bringing the pre-order excess of video games to cinema. They are currently having an absolute field day with Assassin's Creed. Feel like paying $1200 for a movie ticket and a scale replica of a crossbow? Kernel has you covered!
Package #1: $US15
This contains a movie ticket, plus script. You know, this isn't too bad actually. Especially if you're into reading scripts or collecting them.
Package #2: $US25
The second package comes with the same stuff, plus a t-shirt.
This is where it starts to get weird.
Sadly this $US50 "carefully curated... historic stroll through Assassin's Creed lore" — which contains (I'm not joking) a baseball cap and a 'Funko Pop! Vinyl Figure' — is completely sold out.
That's the lower end of the scale. Things are about to get pricey.
There's a $US120 package that comes with an Assassin's Creed style hoodie (that apparently looks a bit like a hoodie Fassbender wears in the movie.
The description is amazing:
Ubi Workshop’s fan-favorite Assassin's Creed-inspired hoodies are about to reach yet another level of sophistication with this interpretation of the Callum Lynch hoodie seen in the upcoming movie.
You heard it people, hoodies are about to reach "another level of sophistication".
Package #7: $US600
How do you feel about paying $US600 for a movie ticket, a script and a statue of a guy. Unreal.
Package #8: $US1200
I swear to God Kernel is trying to charge people $US1200 for a movie ticket, a script and a replica bow. I thought pre-order pants were bad.
Kernel crazy list of pre-orders and pre-order bonuses aren't available in Australia — they only deliver to the US and Canada, but we were curious: is this solely a Kernel run thing or are these packages created with the co-operation of Ubisoft and Fox Studios? We asked Kernel.
Turns out everyone's in it together.
"We actually worked very closely with Fox, Ubisoft and New Regency to develop this program for folks (like us) who love a Assassin's Creed and can't wait for the movie," explained a Kernel rep, over email. "We talk (literally daily) with Fox and Ubisoft to make sure fans are getting as close to the action as possible throughout production of the film right up to the film's release and beyond."
I understand there is a market for this kind of thing. Undoubtedly there are fans out there willing to spend this kind of money, but this feels like insanity.
It's stranger than fiction. Stranger than parody. Earlier this year Tim Colwil at Point & Clickbait wrote this satirical post. Turns out he wasn't that far off the mark.