Hi, my name is Mark and I am obsessed with porridge. I am Scottish and I sincerely believe that porridge is the most nutritious and effective breakfast you can eat. So when I heard that the new Zelda had cooking I knew it was my destiny to give Link a meal he would never forget. I knew it was my destiny to make porridge in Zelda.
This is my story.
Ah morning. The best time of the day. Nothing better to start the day than a delicious, satisfying bowl of porridge. This will be easy.
Alright, let’s get started. What ingredients do I have? I reckon Hylian Rice works. People make rice porridge. Maybe I can make this happen with the rice.
I’ll need something else though, obviously. Some form of liquid. Chuchu seems like the way to go. It’s the closest thing I have to water. Should I go white or blue?
I’m gonna go blue.
Alright, this can’t fail.
Fuck. What the hell is this? I can’t eat this!
I reckon it was the blue chuchu’s fault. I thought “water is blue, right?” That’s where my head was at. But that’s actually bullshit. Water is transparent you goof. Let’s go with the white this time!
Also: porridge is ‘hearty’, therefore I need to add this ‘hearty radish’ if I want to make a true bowl of porridge.
Also, let’s try rice again. THIS IS MY LAST RICE. STAKES ARE HIGH.
Come on… don’t let me down. I need this…
Ah bollocks.
This will not fly.
I still believe in chuchu. Don’t let me down chuchu
I don’t have any rice left. But maybe rice was the problem? I’m gonna go with this herb thing. It looks like a grain! Yeah! This is definitely gonna work. I’ve finally unlocked the secret of porridge like my ancestors before me.
And salt! I should have been using salt from the start. My Dad always told me that a true Scotsman adds salt to his porridge. Fuck yeah salt!
I’ve got this. No way this doesn’t work…
Come to papa! This dude with the hat is rooting for me all the way…
Yessssssss.
NOOOOOOOOO!
Bugger this. I give up.
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