Over the weekend I downloaded Breath of the Wild’s first batch of DLC. There were new quests, new gear and a whole new mode. Great. But I didn’t care. I wanted one thing and one thing only.
Proof that Zelda’s labyrinths were a bunch of bullshit.
Thankfully I got that proof.
True story: Breath of the Wild has an insanely detailed map. One of the best I’ve ever seen. Zoomed out, it’s a beautiful thing to just look at. Zoomed in, it’s full of incredible details.
To the point where I actually used the map to help me solve the game’s labyrinths. Which are bullshit. We’ve established this.
I did this by zooming in on the map to the point where you could actually see a top down version of the labyrinth. Like so…
I knew this was possible so, as soon as the new DLC was announced, I was interested in one thing and one thing only — the new feature that tracked every single step you ever made in the game. I needed this — mainly to help find the last 10 shrines, but also… other reasons.
My main goal: find out just how much time I spent trying to do those fucking bastarding Labyrinths.
The answer to that question was depressing.
Here’s my travel map of the first Labyrinth I tried. Before I’d worked out the cheap-arse ‘zoom in to see the topography’ trick.
The next one wasn’t much better. In fact, it looks even worse.
Look at that. What a goddamn train wreck.
Here’s my progress on the third one.
Worth bearing in mind that I actually was consulting the map here. Shows you how crap I am at Labyrinths.
Or — counterpoint — how bullshit these goddamn labyrinths are.
I don’t know about you, but I spent an ungodly amount of time trying to solve those labyrinths. Seeing that in front of my screen was very depressing indeed.