Leaked Script From David Cage’s Star Wars Game

Leaked Script From David Cage’s Star Wars Game
Image: LucasFilm

INT. X-WING PILOT APARTMENTS – DAY

XANDER, an X-wing pilot, has just got out of the shower. His bare bottom is visible at all times. He sees his droid, VD-69, tidying away last night’s pizza boxes.

XANDER

I was just thinking, VD, about how racism isn’t great at all. Sometimes I think racism, as a matter of fact, is really bad.

VD-69

Is that so, sir? Well sir, I think that is the sort of wisdom that the Rebel High Council needs to hear sir. May I dry your bottom for you, sir?

[HERE THE PLAYER CAN CHOOSE TO ENGAGE WITH BOTTOM DRYING MINIGAME. BY TILTING THE PS5 CONTROLLER TO THE LEFT AND RIGHT, THE TOWEL WILL RUB BACK AND FORTH ACROSS XANDER’S BOTTOM. HE HAS A BARE BOTTOM]

EXT. SURFACE OF PLANET ALI-EN – DAY

ALISON, who is Black, is running across the sandy desert, pursued by something unseen. She yelps in a ladylike way, before stumbling over a twig and falling face first into the sand. We look up to see what was chasing her: it is a sentient SPACE TRIANGLE.

SPACE TRIANGLE

Stop in the name of Space Law!

ALISON

You’re only saying that because I am Black.

SPACE TRIANGLE

I will not be fooled by your clever mind games. You must accompany me to Space Prison.

Alison says something a woman would say [someone please find out], and is then arrested.

[HERE THE PLAYER ENGAGES WITH A MINIGAME IN WHICH THEY MUST PLACE THE CONTROLLER ON A FLAT SURFACE AND GENTLE BLOW ON IT UNTIL ALISON ARRIVES IN SPACE PRISON]

INT. SPACE PRISON – DAY

SPACE TRIANGLE

You must stay in this cell for the rest of the Space Day. Now I will put this key just out of your reach on this hook here, and hope you aren’t one of those Jedis you hear so much about. I will be back after Space Dinner.

[THE PLAYER ENGAGES IN THE FIRST FORCE-GAME, WHICH TRIGGERS THE KEY TURNING MINIGAME, WHERE EACH ANALOGUE STICK MUST BE ROTATED IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS THE LEFT AT ONE AND A HALF TIMES THE SPEED OF THE RIGHT]

Alison escapes the cell, and some funky disco music plays.

EXT. A STUDIO BACKLOT – NIGHT

DAVID CAGE is strolling nonchalantly through the lot while a Star Wars is being filmed nearby. He looks at the camera, a knowing look of wisdom in his eyes.

INT. X-WING PILOT APARTMENTS – NIGHT

Xander is playing his guitar, while VD-69 watches in subdued admiration.

[GUITAR MINIGAME IN WHICH XANDER PLAYS TUNE BY PRESSING CONTROLLER BUTTONS IN TIME WITH THEIR APPEARING ON A TRACK ON SCREEN (I HAVE JUST THOUGHT OF THIS IDEA JUST NOW). IF COMPLETED SUCCESSFULLY, VD-69 FALLS IN UNREQUITED LOVE WITH XANDER.]

XANDER

I’m sad because my daughter recently died.

VD-69

Shall we attend a live music venue, sir?

[PLAYER PLAYS MINIGAME IN WHICH BY MANIPULATING SHOULDER BUTTONS AND ANALOGUE STICKS AT THE SAME TIME, THEY CAN CAUSE XANDER TO NOD IN AGREEMENT]

SPLITSCREEN – INT. LIVE MUSIC VENUE – NIGHT / EXT. PLANET ALI-EN CANTINA

Both Xander and Alison look sad, because despite everything, racism and death still happens to some people. Alison gets her breasts out.

[PLAYER PLAYS MINIGAME WHERE THEY PUT THEIR CONTROLLER DOWN AND TURN OFF THEIR TV]

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