I Want To Brush The Xbox Sonic Controllers Like A Prize-Winning Rat

I Want To Brush The Xbox Sonic Controllers Like A Prize-Winning Rat
They are about to kiss because in the movie, they kiss for 20 minutes straight and the camera doesn't move. (Image: Xbox)

In my humble opinion, the strongest controller designs are always chaotic, and perhaps a little bit evil. On a related note, Xbox has knocked the controller design game out of the park with these Sonic-related monstrosities.

To celebrate the premiere of the Sonic the Hedgehog 2 film, Xbox and Paramount Pictures have joined forces to release a custom Sonic-themed Xbox Series S, as well as two… furry Xbox controllers.

xbox sonic
I want to pour milk on them for fun. I don’t know why. I’m sorry. (Image: Xbox)

Of course, the only way to get your hands on these freaks is through an enter-to-win sweepstakes, so if you think you’ve got Lady Luck on your side, you can retweet the official Xbox sweepstakes tweet and include the hashtag #XboxSonic2Sweepstakes.

The console looks pretty cool, to be completely honest. The ring around the main fan is a very nice touch, and it’s nice to see a high quality photo of Sonic and Knuckles about to kiss. However, this cool custom console has unfortunately been overshadowed by controllers I can smell just from looking at the pictures.

xbox sonic
Yuck. YUCK! Disgusting. I want them. (Image: Xbox)

The fluffy Xbox controllers were not made for the sweaty gamer, which just so happens to be most gamers. This is not through any fault of their own as gaming is very physically taxing. Honestly, it’s hard to say who these controllers were made for, and why. They could’ve realistically done literally any other Sonic-adjacent design, but instead they made them ‘bristly’. They made them ‘hirsute’.

In voicing my horror, I realise who these were made for: Weirdos. Freaks. Gremlins.

Me.

They were made for me.

I want to play Elden Ring and feel like I am controlling Fart Smella with a rat that I’ve glued buttons to. I want to break out in hives all over my hands while stumbling my way through The Lands Between. I want this horrible fucking creation to stink like me. Disgusting. What a fever dream. Not a nightmare, a dream. Because this is my dream. I want to find an old Barbie Doll brush to get all the knots out that eventually come from endless amounts of sweat flowing into this fluffy little fucker.

They may not be haunted, but they are definitely cursed. And I am willing to take on whatever curse that may be, including growing red or blue hair all over my body. I will take on this risk. I am inviting the putrid Xbox witch into my home to curse me with a slender cartoon hedgehog body, as long as I receive these beautiful mistakes in return.

Comments

  • Several people had to sign off on this and they are most certainly going to hell or already came from there.

    Ughh, you really can smell them through the screen.

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