The Best Indie Sex Games On The ‘Unspeakable’ Itch.io

The Best Indie Sex Games On The ‘Unspeakable’ Itch.io
Image: Citrine / Kotaku

Itch.io, an egalitarian site for hosting, posting, and downloading indie video games, is filled with cum. As a refuge for creative nobodies to harness an audience without worrying about the money, Itch is stuffed with plenty of other things too, like medieval comic books, murder nuns, and cat assets. But the cum is what made Apple lawyers call it “so offensive we cannot speak about them here.” And Itch’s supposed lo-fi depravity is what you’re here for, right?

Right. While Apple was correct in its belief that there are a lot of NSFW games on Itch, I’d refrain from calling them offensive. Like the majority of free porn online, NSFW Itch games can more accurately be named “crude middle-school fantasies,” like you downloaded your memories of “lesbian boob kiss” search results into a thumbdrive and then inserted that drive into a tiny hand to touch yourself with.

What you need — what we all need, really — are porn auteurs, or in Itch’s case, games that perform sex in smelly, soulful ways. I present you with this: five free erotic games that aren’t only looking to pump blood straight into your guts, but into your perverted heart as well.

Note that this list prioritises the best of Itch’s more obscure titles, but the platform’s bigger NSFW games from developers like Christine Love, Robert Yang, Dr. PinkCake, and Towerfag are equally tantalising (you can learn a bit about why in my previous porn games list).

Metal Plug

Metal Slug, the series born in 1996, is full of action games that seem ideal for playing while picking your nose. You can play rough, tough, and partially checked out. The NSFW spoof Metal Plug by Juicy Eliot, on the other hand, is good for playing when you want to see butthole. Still rough, still tough, but it’s harder to check out when you’re being confronted with a naked forest girl’s flapping pink arse.

Metal Plug plays similarly to Metal Slug and employs some of the series’ roguelike elements. You must blast machine guns and spells (including bullet time, and more uniquely, “giant dildo bomb,” and “plug shield”) at naked evil doers who kidnapped your naked sexy friends. Giant pink cocks sometimes rain down from the sky. All in all, Metal Plug explores what less creative NSFW games might be too cowardly to even comprehend — what if your butt plug gave you power?

Butt plug power. (Screenshot: Juicy Eliot)Butt plug power. (Screenshot: Juicy Eliot)

Perfect Home

This entry is for the furries out there, everyone else, shield your cat’s eyes. Citrine’s role-playing game Perfect Home asks you to explore the dusk-fallen woods as a vindictive boy witch, who also happens to be a cat. Everyone in this game happens to be a cat, and, by using your very erotic mind control powers, you turn them into your submissive slave cats. It’s reminiscent of an 18+ Undertale. I assume you wanted that.

Some Sword / Some Play

Let me whisk you away from the world of orifices and anthropomorphic cats and introduce you to Some Sword / Some Play, an interactive fiction game by Moniker Ersatz. This is for smut sluts with yearbook-level Pinterest boards dedicated to Colin Firth’s Mr. Darcy (me).

In the game’s sword-carved fantasy, you’re a duelist who everyone, by sheer luck, wants to fuck. Approach and have salty banter with four characters, your patron, your friend, a prophet, and your enemy, to get to the good parts, which is the erotic lit stationed throughout the game.

Pleasantly, unlike many genitalia-obsessed porn games, Some Sword / Some Play is body and sex-positive. Dialogue prompts give you time to tranquilly decide on all characters’ pronouns and anatomy, and the game leaves you feeling moved to smoke a clove cigarette and imagine your room full of hot knights.

Oh ye. (Screenshot: randyretro69)Oh ye. (Screenshot: randyretro69)

Randy Retro 1

Randy Retro 1 by randyretro69 is a perplexingly, fascinatingly strange sex game. According to its description, you can play it in your browser or on your Game Boy via flash cart if you ever wanted that device to become horny.

In a browser, the gameplay is simple. It largely involves pressing “Z” on your keyboard until you get a wild-eyed pixel girl to get naked. Your disembodied pixel penis cums on her face — rinse, repeat. But the dialogue. Man, the dialogue is so weird.

The girl says “oh ye” like it’s all she wants, other than your dick. “Oh ye get you good and hard!,” “Oh ye I love your big cock between my tits,” “Oh ye you like that?” Oh ye it prevents any sort of mood from forming, even in parts of the game you’re encouraged to drag your cursor down the girl’s body like a makeshift third appendage (fourth?). “Oh ye slap my arse,” she says. It’s surreal and clinical, an art piece about teaching doggy-style to aliens.

Sexy Booby 95

Per Silkworm Sweatshop’s Sexy Booby 95’s Itch description, “you are 13 and all you want in life is to see that SEXY BOOBY on the interwebs. Too bad your family computer is a piece of junk, not having been updated in over a decade. It’s prone to slowdown, and crashes that keep you away from that SEXY BOOBY!”

Sexy Booby 95 was created for a game jam in 48 hours, probably the same amount of time you’d need to get your in-game family computer to work and reveal sexy booby. In actuality, you’re powerless to do anything other than float your MS Paint cursor over to the flashing “homework” folder, where your character has cleverly hidden a link to www.sexyboobyxxx.com (I have not checked if this website exists, but do let me know if it does). You can click aggressively on the link, but you’ll inevitably be foiled by unstable internet or parental control. Take that as a sign to leave booby behind and, instead, go to the start menu to play “SurFree,” an actually habit-forming Flash-type game in which you have to dodge sharks.

It’s a funny little game you don’t have to think too hard about. You probably shouldn’t have to think too hard about any of this, actually. Sex should never be “unspeakable,” especially when it happens on Itch.io. Play these games with your eyes wide open, nothing Stanley Kubrick about it.

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