The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines ‘video games’ as ‘games on video’.
There are many ways to play video games. You can play them in your home, play them on the bus, play them with love in your heart, or play them with hatred running through your veins for the horrible little creatures that live on your screen.
The real hot piping tea is that there are actually right and wrong ways to play video games. Many don’t know this, but it’s actually true. Who knows? You might’ve been playing games wrong your whole life, and if that’s the case, you can actually go to jail for that. I don’t make the rules, I just report on them.
Anyway, considering I am a very helpful individual with a dump truck brain and a desire to educate, I thought I might just indulge in some hot freakin’ tips for you to follow. These tips will not only make you the best gamer in the world but will also potentially result in a trillion dollars in your bank account and a lifetime’s supply of Envirokidz Chocolate Koala Crisp Cereal. You are SO welcome.
DO: Give a gentle kiss to the video game
The video game is your friend. you bought the video game, and now it is an important part of your life. When you buy a video game, it is now in your care, and you must take care of it. Hey, you might even create a close bond with the video game. It may not be sentient, but it will fill any void needed. Isn’t that beautiful?
It is perfectly legal and allowed to give a soft and gentle kiss to your video game. Especially if it is Bweezil Dweezil’s Deep Frying Simulator, as this game was made to be kissed and made to be cared for. Bweezil Dweezil‘s Deep Frying Simulator has not only been voted Game of the Year 10 years in a row, but it is also considered to be the Global Best Friend of the video game world.
You can kiss it gently.
DON’T: Go any further with the video game
Ah shit, look what you’ve done. You’ve made things weird. You kissed Bweezil Dweezil’s Deep Frying Simulator, something that is perfectly legal and encouraged. However, you have decided that it only makes sense to buy the second game in the series, Bweezil Dweezil’s Deep Frying Simulator: The Squeakuel, and make love with it.
While this is legal as it is literally just plastic and paper, you should definitely not do it for a few reasons. First of all, the game will be unplayable when it touches human cum and sweat of all kinds. The disc turns to dust, and the image of the protagonist and deep fryer extraordinaire Dweezil Bweezil ages 15 years in an instant.
Second of all, it’s going to be awkward unless you plan to get married to your copy of Dweezil Bweezil’s Deep Frying Simulator: The Squeakuel, and if you get married it is illegal to get divorced.
DO: Invite your friends to play
One of the best parts about gaming is sharing it with other people. Co-operative games allow you and a friend to play through an adventure side-by-side, working together to reach the end goal. It’s a bonding experience truly like any other. Multiplayer games may introduce healthy competition between you two, battling it out to see who will prevail.
If you have a friend, the best way to let them know that you’re thinking of them is to ask them to play a game with you. Who knows? It may help you two become even closer than before, or maybe it will ruin your friendship because one of you realises that the other is intensely competitive and just generally horrible to be around.
DON’T: Invite your enemies to play
Now, it may seem like a good idea to ask your enemy to play a video game with you. Hey, if playing It Takes Two with a buddy can bring you two closer together, maybe playing Portal 2‘s co-op mode will help you and your sworn enemy find common ground, and maybe even become friends. Maybe even become best friends. Maybe even get married and die together.
Or… you’ll die. Your enemy has finally found the perfect opportunity. They’ve got you alone. They’re wearing a shirt that says ‘I HEART GAME’, lulling you into a false sense of security by making you think that they love ‘video game’. They’ve brought a PlayStation Move controller, which you thought was weird because you’re playing Mario Kart but you ignore this for some reason.
And then they get you. The PlayStation Move controller gets thrust into your chest and you’re a goner. Big mistake. So sad. Don’t risk it!
DO: Try playing a new game
As gamers, we have certain tastes. This is a given, as there will always be a specific type of game that really tickles the nice part of our brain that makes us feel entertained. However, sometimes if you play a single type of game for so long, you’ll start to get bored and maybe even grow to hate this kind of game. That’s what happened with me and farming games.
In saying that, why not try something new? There are so many different video game genres, sub-genres, sub-sub-genres, and so on, so why not give something else a go? There are some games where you can play a floating ass that farts to make itself fly through pipes and collect toilet paper, and there are some games where you can have sex with a woman. The opportunities are endless!
DON’T: Try playing an ancient game that holds a Mummy’s Curse
Do you see how I said to try something new? Alright, so I’m now recommending that you do NOT do the complete opposite.
Long ago, the first video game ever was created. It was 50,000 years ago for the Xbox One, and was developed by an evil spirit who also had a Bachelor of Games and Interactivity from Swinburne University. This spirit decided one day that it was going to develop a game that had a Mummy’s Curse inside it, which just so happens to be the most evil of curses imaginable.
If you find this game, which is unfortunately available to buy preowned at most EB Games stores and is also called Gabadoobabadadoogie Quest, do NOT play it! If you play it, the Mummy’s Curse will awaken and reveal itself in the form of a deeply evil ghostly being called Gorongo that will NEVER leave you alone!
All it wants to do is sit on your couch and watch Cocomelon! It will use your phone, laptop and tablet to watch Cocomelon all day and it will NOT charge the devices when they run out! If you do not let it use your phone, laptop or tablet to watch Cocomelon, it will transfer itself into your bones and make you do an embarrassing dance in front of your peers! NOT worth it!
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