Picture this: You live with your two best friends, who also happen to both be your platonic wives. You are all in possession of tablets that can play games. Your two housewives get into Magic The Gathering: Arena, a game that you’ve never been into because card games were never your thing. It is all they play. You do not understand it as your only knowledge of the game is the buttcrack controversy.
Has this ever happened to you, or is it currently happening to you? Well, it’s happened to me and I’m here to help. As somebody with lived experience of this phenomenon, I feel it’s only fitting to guide you through this journey no matter what stage you’re at so that when you finally get to the end, it will make sense.
There is no other way this situation can go, this is simply the way. Here are the five stages of grief that you will experience when your entire household starts playing Magic The Gathering: Arena.
Denial
Your two bestie-wives are glued to their tablets, and you notice they are playing Magic The Gathering: Arena. They show you that they’re playing it, and you pretend that you’ve never heard of it before. “Magic And Gathering? That’s a funny name! Sounds pretty funny!” And you leave it alone.
You hope that this will just be a phase and that maybe they will do something else that isn’t Magic The Gathering: Arena.
Anger
It’s been a week. They have not stopped playing Magic The Gathering. Both of them have also become very good at it and often discuss decks and strategies. You’ll hear them saying things like, “Oh, shit!”, “Oh fuck off”, and “Oh my god.” You ask what’s up, hoping that there’s some drama that you can hear about.
There’s no drama. There’s no tea. It’s just Magic the Gathering: Arena. You are filled with inner rage as you can’t understand what they even like about this game.
Bargaining
You’re on the edge. You’ve just finished a big game and now you have no reason NOT to play Magic the Gathering: Arena with your friends. You wonder, “What if I started playing too?” But you stray away from that thought, as you couldn’t possibly think to get into another game that will take over your whole life. You don’t have the money to spend on booster packs.
But what if? Your bestie-wives who are very smart and beautiful think this game rocks. Are they wrong? Or maybe, just maybe, you’re missing out? What is going on right now?
Depression
You fall into a deep, dark depression. You’re scared and confused. For years, you thought that Magic the Gathering was purely a game made for nerds. Suddenly, you’ve had to take a look in the mirror and realise that you’ve been a nerd all along, and you are not immune to the pull of Magic the Gathering: Arena. Your entire life is falling apart.
Your friends, however, are having a great time. They’re winning, thriving, and succeeding. They see you in your turmoil, and they offer you a hand. The hand has a tablet in it. The tablet is currently running Magic the Gathering: Arena.
Acceptance
You decide to give it a try. You download Magic the Gathering: Arena, and you are met with a glistening orb that tells you how to play the game. Over time, you start to understand how it works. You get an entire deck dedicated to Goblins, and that fills you with immense joy. An army of goblins is what you’ve always wanted in life.
And who’s there beside you? That’s right, it’s your two bestie-wives. At this point, they’re both very, very good at Magic the Gathering. This means that any time you’re stuck on what to do, you can show them your hand and they will tell you the best way to go. You’re having fun with your friends. It’s nice. Everything is okay.
From that point, you will officially be into Magic the Gathering: Arena. Maybe you’ll even start to buy physical cards, and play real games with your friends. It may be scary at first, but it’s just simple mathematics with some magic involved.
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