What is a gamer?
It’s hard to define, and many people have their own opinions when it comes to what a ‘gamer’ is. Some people believe that you can only be a gamer if you play many hours of one type of game, while others believe that you must play many different games in order to be a gamer.
The stereotypical ‘gamer’ has many identifiers in the mainstream media. The ‘gamer’ is a tortured being, filthy in personality and hygiene, and doesn’t know what a woman is. I don’t believe this at all. I think that not only is this a tired stereotype, but I have spent the past three months smelling as many gamers as I can, as well as regular people. There is an equal amount of smelling normal and smelling funky. I did this for science.
But what about the actual ways of the gamer? How does one become one, and how does one know when they are in the presence of one? Simple. I believe that you can only be a gamer if you follow, or have followed, the following steps in this list.
1. Go to Steam
Steam is an online marketplace where you can buy games. This is a tool vital to being a gamer, as to play games, you need to get them first. Steam has games like Elden Ring and Monster Hunter Rise, but these games are not necessary to play to be a gamer. They are optional.
If you are having trouble finding Steam, try going to your most loved search engine and looking up ‘Steam’. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know how else I can help you. If you are already struggling here, being a gamer is going to be very difficult for you.
2. Leave Steam and go to your local Cash Converters
Unfortunately, Steam cannot help us in terms of moving ahead, but it was important to do Step 1 anyway, considering that Steam is the place to get any other games if you want them later. It’s unimportant, really.
So what you’re going to do is go to your local Cash Converters. If you’re having trouble finding one, simply look up ‘Cash Converters’ on the map application that you love the very most.
Once you’ve found your local Cash Converters, you’re going to go inside, and you’re going to find the gamer’s game that also happens to only be available at Cash Converters… Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust.
3. Play Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust
Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust for PC, Xbox 360, and PlayStation 3 is the only video game that will determine whether or not somebody is a gamer.
In Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust, you play as Larry Lovage himself and must help your uncle Larry at his porn studio. You’ll be tasked with doing odd jobs and ultimately uncovering a mole that’s trying to ruin the studio. This is the true gamer experience.
If you find and purchase any other game, that is fine. In fact, it is mostly legal. However, to truly be considered a real gamer in the eyes of your peers, you must play 2009’s most video game, Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust.
4. You Are A Gamer Now
It’s just that simple. Once Step 1 and Step 2 are complete, you have done it. Anybody that follows this advice can comfortably call themselves a gamer.
If you go to your friends and tell them what you did, they will say, “Thank fucking god, we were all waiting for you to play the not-award-winning Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust and become a gamer like the rest of us, who have already done this.”
Walk out into the street, and those around you will know. You will hear whispers among the townsfolk to the tune of, “What’s that aura I can feel? It feels like a gamer aura around me.” If this is what they say, these steps worked perfectly.
At the end of the day, anybody can call themselves a gamer if they want to, just like anybody can put a hat on and say, “I wear hats now. I’m a hat guy. It’s my thing.”
However, if you haven’t followed this advice, it’s hard to truly determine whether or not you’re actually a gamer.
Note: This piece was originally written in July 2022 with the intention of its publication only occurring when the author either leaves Kotaku Australia or dies. It is up to you, the reader, in regards to which one occurred.
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