The time has come to crown a winner of our recent Jumplight Odyssey x Allied Gaming PC giveaway! As you may remember, the challenge for this giveaway was to write us an entertaining Captain’s Log entry. Our winner did just that, winning out in a furious debate over our favourite answers that divided our entire team for many days. They are:
Nick Cooper, from Tasmania
Nick took the challenge seriously, giving us an entire rundown of their day. Their response is below:
1000hrs: Malfunction. We’ve teleported to the year 1986.
1105hrs: Commodore 64 computer is very fast.
1230hrs: Witness Lionel Richie Dancing on the Ceiling.
1308hrs: AFL footballers shorts are tighter than our schedule.
1330hrs: Attend Atari’s release of Frogger and Tennis. Mind blown.
1500hrs: Discover floppy disk drive’s incredible memory.
It’s the details for me, like making sure to include specific 24-hour timecodes for each one-line entry. Congratulations, Nick, your new Allied Gaming PC is on its way.
But Nick was far, far, from the only entry in our competition. We had a HUGE number of people who threw their hats into the ring and in the interest of giving them a shout out, I’ve collated some of my favourites from across the competition. A huge, grateful thank you to everyone who entered. This competition has revealed that a better-than-average number of our readers have a bizarre fixation on poo humour, so I’m filing that little data point away for a rainy day.
Anyway, here, in no particular order, are some of our favourite entries from our Jumplight Odyssey giveaway!
Andrew Liston
Captains log, stardate WHO EVEN CARES ANYMORE. I am an outcast, a PARIAH, amongst my own crew. Cries of “I’ve gone too far this time” or “Space Madness” echo throughout the ship. I don’t care what anyone says, I’m absolutely eating that pig.
Jason Fitzgerald
Captain’s Log: Stardate 441.2. On the “Cosmic Shortcut,” crew members are puzzled by a persistent Earthbound dilemma. Despite furious space bar pressing, Earth stays put. We suspect a cosmic typo and plan to consult the celestial IT department for a quick universal reboot.
Nick Jacobsen
Captain’s log 276: The crew have mutinied. Only the Pig remain’s loyal. They will be my vice captain when order is restored. Vice Captain Fluffles
Fai Ho Ken Lee
We are 452 days into our 7-year expedition. Nothing has happened. Everyday is the same. Everybody is bored. When they built this ship, they built it real good. Scotty in Engineering joked about breaking some things just to feel. I have referred the matter to HR.
Julia Wong
Captain’s Log – Stardate 2387.04.01
Our starship boldly goes where no one has gone before, and sometimes where we shouldn’t. Today, a coffee spill in the warp drive turned us into the universe’s largest espresso machine. On the bright side, we’ve attracted a fleet of caffeine-loving aliens. They’re jittery but friendly.
Sanja
Captain’s Log: Pig’s observation: Crew love flowers but they cut them. Crew love animals but they eat them. Crew love me but they need to pat me
Stuart Craig
Captains Log 14.9.23 – Despite my protests, I was assigned to the Caca Reclamation And Processing Station. My number two is always on schedule every morning, and makes sure my kids are dropped off to the pool while I’m doing my duties. This posting wasn’t a waste of time after all.
Ciaran Burns
We were attacked and our mainmast was crippled while our cannonfire didn’t scratch our assailants silver hardwood hull. Now all crew are rowing, but i’ll be jiggered if we’ve moved a inch. I quashed a mutiny; Porkly trotted the plank, and floated upwards. I might be in the wrong ocean.
Tuan Nguyen
Captain’s Log, Jumplight Odyssey 437.2. The starship’s plumbing has encountered a “fatal exception error”, resulting in a blocked toilet (and excrement buildup). Attempts to “reboot” with plunger were unsuccessful. The crew’s morale is “flushed” down the drain. Requesting the “tech-savvy” crew members to assist in resolving this “clog-bit” crisis ASAP.
Gregory Aldridge
Captain’s Log, Stardate 2023. We have encountered a strange new planet. The inhabitants appear to be under 6 years old and there is no chance they won’t keep touching this PC if their father were to win it.
Gerald Cheung
Captain’s log. Lost in cosmic unknown, Navigational systems down, we’re alone. Exploring the void of stars uncharted, seeking our way home, undaunted, determined. The crew stand tall, in this astral expanse, we’ll conquer all!
James Sinar
Captain Log 40272: My concerns in regards to the spiciness levels of the replicators curry functionality have proven, Valid. Explosively.
David Grubb
Captains Log: it’s day 23 of our voyage into the unknown and the crew are still completely oblivious to the fact that I’m a pig. With a captains hat. Unsure if I should be pleased with myself, or fearful of their lack of competency.
Alison Killen
Day 1,987: Ham is proving to be everyone’s new favourite crewmate. Instead of using the recycler, we just feed all our scraps to him. We’ve actually saved a lot of power so far. I’m thinking of appointing him morale officer; everyone loves giving him a cuddle.
Henry Owens
Reporting from my broken down ship in (Melbourne Suburb). Engines overheating, unable to run even PS2 emulators. Crew are giggling, as I lag behind due to bad refresh rates. Enemies approaching as I lag. SOS
Aaron Manvell
Captains Log. We have discovered an orb that turns humans into ferrets. Having a tame ferret is a disadvantage when they are also your chief engineer. His little paws cannot hold tools.
Daniel Watson
Captains log: Today there was an argument in the research division. Science Friction.
My Klingon security officer has gone blonde. A good day to dye.
Crewman Yoda is an avid gardener. He has a green thumb.
Looks like small ice rocks have started to hit the ship. We’re being hailed…
Perrin Lora
Captain’s Log, Stardate 2023.08.21: Embarked on the Jumplight starship, crew keeps asking for more hot tubs. Accidentally gave the alien ambassador our chef’s secret hot sauce recipe. Crew morale high but at risk of hot tub-induced mutiny. Need more greenrooms for supplies, and praying we reach the Forever Star without more hot tub drama.
Toby Hegarty
Captain’s Log: It came to my attention today that the ship’s pig was developing an appetite for our electrical wiring. Recently, many of the crew were finding themselves struggling for breath. Their mood was greatly improved however when they learned that tomorrow’s menu was an all-day bacon buffet.
Paul Brooks
Ohoh
(Editor’s note: I don’t know why Paul wrote this and bounced, but it made me laugh, so it’s going in the list — David)
David Floyd
April 12th
Thus far, it has been very stressful aboard the U.S.S. Budget Cuts. Part of me worries that the crew are less interested in space, and more interested in how much alcohol they can fit into their bodies. They are like sponges. They drip vodka.
Felipe Melo
Captains Log Stardate 36771
It’s been 5 days since I became captain of this ship and I think the crew is already starting to doubt my ability to lead after a small collision with an asteroid.
Captains Log Stardate 36772
So it turns out the asteroid course was altered by our minor collision and ended up hitting earth instead of its original course. The Spacefleet commanders of Earth believe the asteroid was weaponized by the alien empire of Stirmaled and have declared war. I considered telling them the truth but if I do they’ll find out i lied on my resume…. so looks like it’s going to have to be war instead.
Kerrie Moss
Captain’s log, Stardate 3612.4
I’ve been informed recently that I’m the commander of this ship. This is news to me.
I…. don’t know how to fly a ship.
Help?
Dash Starkey
Gulp. . . Help? Coffee depleted to single servings. Chocolate non existant. Crew angsty. Have taken refuge on tropical planet where banana like fruit curves the wrong way. Weird beans growing everywhere.
Weird beans blown into jet engines. Ship stranded. Cooked beans make an interesting aroma when crushed underfoot.
No help required. Drinks and desserts made of crushed beans have straightened bananas. All crew beyond happy!
Sam Bennett
Captain’s Log, Stardate 2389.3:
“Encountered a nebula that sparkles like glitter. Crew debated renaming ship ‘The Disco Voyager’. Engineer tried to install a dance floor. Morale: unexpectedly groovy.”
Renee Sulamc
Captain’s log 4005.7.
Scans have picked up a vessel orbiting Earth’s sun. We were disappointed to find a Tesla and a large doll at the controls, we have taken it into the cargo hold for scrapping, there’s nothing worthy of keeping. The crew had some fun with the doll though.
Mitch Doyle
Captains log 78: I think someone snuck a pig a board.
Captains log 85: I have promoted the pig to second in command, lieutenant Hoof Sr
Charlie Bell
Here we are, hundreds of light-years from Sol, gazing on an earth-like world filled with unimaginable new life, in a star system in an iridescent nebula bathed with light from a stellar nursery, and all I can think about is that my chair squeaks and Maintenance can’t fix it.
Steven Rutledge
Captain’s log: “HMS Murphy” lived up to its name today. Ensign Murphy (no relation) tried recalibrating the warp drive—turned all the walls into gelatine. Attempted diplomacy with space wombats, got sat on. Chef’s borrowed gelatine exploded in the mess hall. Situation nominal, end log.
Brett Hodson
I canna give her no more Captain, she’s a fucked unit
Brandon Maynes
Stardate 47634.44. The pig has successfully led a mutiny of engineering and is calling for my resignation. Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20. Maybe my senior staff was right, and it was a mistake to arrange an all-pork dinner in the mess hall.
Jack Lovell
Captain’s Log, Stardate 23542.3: The ship’s replicators have rebelled, producing an army of banana peels. We’re slipping and sliding our way through the corridors, engaging in an epic battle of the fruitless kind. Chief Engineer insists it’s a slipstream drive experiment gone awry. Send help, or at least some anti-slip shoes.
Thanks again to everyone who took the time to enter, and congratulations once again to our winner!
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