A live action adaptation of The Legend of Zelda is officially in the works, and the internet has been awash with fans theorising who might play our favourite (mostly) silent hero, Link. There’s plenty of theories of who might pick up the iconic blonde twink role for the Zelda movie, with so many waifish stars to choose from. But, may I suggest that we don’t consider who the best person for the role might be? Instead, might we consider the worst and most cursed picks for who should wield the Master Sword? Who among the anti-twinks, if you will, would be literally the most fucked up version of Link imaginable? While unlikely, I wouldn’t put it past Hollywood casting agencies to heavily consider the following list.
Let’s submerge ourselves deep below the tip of The Legend of Zelda movie casting iceberg. Here are my cooked casting picks for Link, but they get progressively worse (oh god, I hope they cast someone that looks like a gust of wind would blow them away).
Henry Cavill
Starting off strong, this one is actually a real possibility based on rumours he’s “in talks” to be cast in The Legend of Zelda movie, whatever that means. Henry Cavill’s bulging muscles and superhero frame (I mean, come on, he literally ripped out of his pants multiple times during filming The Witcher series) make him potentially one of the worst picks for Link.
Chris Pratt
Move over, Mario, Chris Pratt has a new role – Link. Hollywood seems to love casting this man in literally everything anyway, so why not? He’s rugged, a little ripped, and loud, all attributes I definitely associate with Link and think would go so well in The Legend of Zelda movie. Nintendo has the chance to do the funniest thing ever and cast Chris Pratt as Link, Anya Taylor-Joy as Princess Zelda, and Jack Black as Ganon, and I simply may not rest until I see it materialise.
Michael Cera
Out of all of the names on this list, Michael Cera could actually probably pull Link off the best from a physicality perspective. The king of being incredibly awkward at literally any given moment would probably make The Legend of Zelda movie lean more towards B-grade comedy than a grand action-adventure story, but I think that would maybe kind of slap. Actually, scrub Michael Cera from this list – I want Scott Pilgrim to play Link, it’s my new headcannon. Just imagine all of the Link x Zelda smutty fanfiction on AO3 but Link has Cera’s face, it’s too good to pass up.
Liam Neeson
“Link doesn’t know who you are. He doesn’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, he can tell you he doesn’t have rupees. But what he does have are a very particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over a very long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like you. If you let his princess go now, that’ll be the end of it. He will not look for you, he will not pursue you. But if you don’t, he will look for you, he will find you, and he will kill you.” – Liam Neeson as Link, probably.
Vin Diesel
Back onto the casting the anti-twink archetype as the ultra-twink Link, Vin Diesel ranks pretty bloody high as one of the worst choices for the Hero of Hyrule. Vin Diesel don’t say ‘family’ in The Legend of Zelda movie challenge activated.
The Rock
Honestly, do I need to elaborate on this one?
Matt Berry
While a one-man show version of The Legend of Zelda movie where Matt Berry plays literally every character sounds like an instant cult classic and my new favourite piece of media to force people to suffer through, Matt Berry is probably one of the more cursed options for Link’s casting. Casting him would undoubtedly mean giving Link an actual voice beyond his ‘hyah!’s because, honestly, how could you cast this man and not let him use those pipes for good (or evil)?
Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler’s run of horrifically poorly-received comedy films in the last decade or so probably already put him at the bottom of the list for potential Links for The Legend of Zelda movie, but I think it’s perhaps his overall vibe that makes the idea of Sandler donning the champion’s tunic feel like a fever dream.
Jared Leto
It’s morbin’ time. It’s also time for Jared Leto to stay as far away from the casting call for Link as humanly possible. Leto’s ‘method acting’ terrifies me perhaps more than his interpretation of The Joker in Suicide Squad, the fact he gives off literally no little elvish waif vibes that are key to Link’s portrayal in The Legend of Zelda movie aside.
Steve Buscemi
Just imagine it. It could be horrific, but it could also be immaculate.
Danny DeVito
Casting Danny DeVito as The Hero of Time? Maybe not. But I won’t shut up until he’s cast as either Tingle or some weird freak Goron character.
James Corden
I’ll literally never forgive this man for Cats. Hands down, I think this is somehow the most cursed option on this list in every way imaginable. Somebody please ban him from singing ever again. I guess if James Corden was cast as Link in The Legend of Zelda movie, having him be pretty much silent for an hour and a half could be a brief reprieve for the world, so it’s not all bad.
A Weird Fucked Up Little CGI Guy
Why not go the nuclear route and just go full Sonic The Hedgehog in The Legend of Zelda movie? Everyone is live-action except Link who is CGI’d in, and looks like some horrific amalgamation of the animation style seen in Boss Baby and MegaMind, voiced by someone like Jonathan Groff. The idea of this alone has dealt me psychic damage, and I fear audiences would be unable to comprehend what they are looking at in the same way mortals cannot look upon eldritch Great Old Ones without slowly going mad.
There are plenty more horrifically poor casting choices for Link, all of them swirling in my head as sleep paralysis demons donning green and teal and absolutely merking pots in search of rupees, but we’d be here all night. A dishonourable mention goes to the option of casting Ben Platt as Link, as he plays progressively more youthful-looking characters while getting progressively older-looking himself, a la Dear Evan Hansen -perhaps he plays young Link in a flashback, for some reason.
Let The Legend of Zelda movie Link be a weird little twink! That’s all I want! It’s what all the world deserves!
If you’ve got any more scuffed suggestions for casting ideas, drop them in the comments below.
Lead Image Credit: Vivien Killilea/Getty Images for IMDb/Nintendo/ Kotaku Australia
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