WIN! Lost Planet 2 360/PS3 Game And Figurines

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WIN! Lost Planet 2 360/PS3 Game And Figurines

Capcom’s new shooter, Lost Planet 2, is all about taking down mammoth alien beasts with your friends. Winning this competition is, likewise, a cooperative affair.

UPDATE: Just a quick reminder that this comp closes at midnight tonight! This comp is now closed. Winners will be announced Friday afternoon.

Thanks to Capcom, we have TWO Lost Planet 2 prize packs up for grabs. There’s a PlayStation 3 pack, which contains two copies of the game on PS3 and two Lost Planet 2 Vital Suit figurines. And there’s an Xbox 360 pack, which contains two copies of the game on 360 and two Lost Planet 2 Vital Suit figurines.

The idea is that you and a friend share the spoils and can play online together. And presumably, you and a friend fight over which of the figurines you each keep.

How do you enter?

You’ve got to cooperate. In the comments below, you and a friend must describe how you would take down a Lost Planet 2 boss monster. One of you will start and the other will join in by replying to the original comment. You can keep replying back and forth up to five times each. No more than that though!

If you need to find a friend, try placing a call out in this week’s Talk Amongst Yourselves post. Or perhaps even in the neglected discussion forum on the Kotaku AU Facebook page. But hopefully you already have friends!

You’ve only got until midnight, Thursday, May 13 to get your entry in. As usual multiple entries are forbidden. You must leave a valid email or comment via Facebook Connect. And don’t forget to state which format you prefer in the opening comment.

Good luck!

[Terms and Conditions]

Comments

  • i don’t care who joins in, (maybe i’ll end up going it alone :0 ) but i’ll start by standing in front of the beast and taunting it (na-na-na-na-na-na style), acting as fodder to distract it and give my teammate a chance to move around the back!

        • I’ve got a 360 so I’ll join in with you if that’s ok. I’ll do my best. Here goes.

          “i’ll start by standing in front of the beast and taunting it (na-na-na-na-na-na style), acting as fodder to distract it and give my teammate a chance to move around the back!”

          And me playing as Marcus Fenix will use the chainsaw on my lancer to tear him a new one.

          • /me high 5’s his new partner! Welcome aboard!
            When the boss turns around in disbelief at being hacked by your chainsaw, I run up behind and drop a grenade in his pants, snapping his undies for extra punishment!

          • The beast, knocked off balance from the grenade comes crashing down. So I quickly run up to it’s head and give it an almighty teabagging.

          • The boss had now suffered much harm,
            Bewildered by all of our charm,
            the teabag from Skool,
            made him feel quite the fool,
            then i ran up and cut off his arm!

          • The boss now flailing about
            Had opened up it’s huge mouth
            So I climbed on in
            And then pulled the pin
            It’s time to take this bitch out

          • 3,2,1… Kablammo. The beast explodes in a shower of entrails covering us both.

            Man that was close. Thanks for pulling me out, I thought I was gone for sure.

          • thanks for playing Old_Skool_Gamer! we whooped his ass!! 😉 That was some fine teamwork for 2 strangers! Even if we don’t win, it was good for shits and giggles! Made me LOL for sure!

          • Thanks for letting me be your team-mate. I think you were a bit more witty than me, but we did pretty well and it was good for a bit of a laugh.

            Good luck mate, I hope we win 🙂 If we do I think we should definitely swap gamertags.

          • Cool, I’m just about to log out and go to bed but I’ll send you a friend request sometime tomorrow.

            My gamertag is CHEEKY MUNKY23, I know it’s kinda lame but it’s the first thing that came into my head that wasn’t already taken when I signed up.

    • I’ll step up! (360 Please)

      (I am imagining it taking place in a canyon filled with low scrub, rocks and a few trees, the monster is like a giant krakken that burst out of the earth in front of us.)
      While welbot does a impressive impression of a tasty meal, I sneak along a ridge behind the monster, looking for the inevitable weak spot.
      Taking aim with a grenade launcher I fire a few into some glowing spots between the tentacles.
      It goes nuts, spins around and swallows me whole…

    • Xbox 360

      Rumaging through my knapsack I can feel a couple of grenades and a few rounds for the machine gun, “He’s either brave or very stupid”, Welbot continues to taunt the metal gargantuan with surly flair “I suppose it’s the latter” I mutter.

      I exit the foliage and gingerly approach the boss monster from behind. A dozen meters away I can see a cavity coming into view on the back of the boss, “Okay a few jammed grenades should get it done”. The boss monster suddenly stops its blundering pursuit and swivels 180 degrees towards me, it trains it’s guns directly on my forehead. “You didn’t disable the beacons!?” I yell, its chain gun whirls in anticipation, “Do something Welbot!”.

      • Sorry Jo and Chingchong. Old_Skool_Gamer did get the first reply, so perhaps you two should team up together! Thanks for the support though! 😉

          • I’m going to assume you do and reply to your post.
            Go with it if you want or just reject me like welbot.
            “snif”

      • (360)

        Unzipping my finely crafted welbot suit I hear a frantic cry from Ching Chong. “Beacons?” I wonder. “Beacons, beacons… OH beacons! Here I was hoping for a tasty breakfast!
        I could never figure out how to crack these eggs anyway.”
        With several tugs I pull the round grey things free from the pins holding them to my belt and chuck them towards the beast who now seems be whining loudly. “Here boy! You hungry?”
        In a high arch they fall and clatter into a hole in the things back…

  • Ooooh so cool! Now I’m gonna have to go find my brother who is currently away on vacation. If you’re reading this – you begin!

    • I am now your brother. Your other brother was eaten by a freaking massive alien monster thing..!

      We gotta take it down dude. I’m gonna use the squirrel tactic, and go straight for the ‘nuts’. Right between the legs. Thats gotta hurt.

      • Oh, hello there! Who would’ve thought, Kotaku bringing together long lost family members! You’ll have to choose your console preference, I have both so I’m easy. Ok then…

        Whilst stunned by your first attack, I’ll put my Butterfree onto him with sleep powder – the most efficient way to begin a boss takedown.

        • Hmmm. Unfortunately it seems the sleep powder may have worked too well, and gotten to Andrew as well… come back, Butterfree.

          • The end is nigh! There’s only one thing that could wake Andrew up now…

            *grabs Andrew’s tail, twirls him around until there is enough momentum… then HURLS him towards one of the perimeter fires*

  • The first stage of madness is talking to yourself.
    The second stage is answering yourself.
    The third stage is when the voices start answering for you.
    Considering I’m in the second stage, do i still have to find a friend?

    • I’ll be your friend Ross.

      You kneel behind the salamander and I’ll push it into you. It’ll trip with highlarious results!

  • PS3 – I would choose to play Local Co-Op to avoid the internet lag. My primary weapon of choice would be the “Machine Gun” (simple but deadly) to fight the “Gordiant” (aka Salamander) boss (which was also one of my favourite from Lost Planet 1). I get my partner and I to target the yellow spikes that grows on his back.

    • Preference: PS3

      While Dennis runs circles around the “Gordiant” (aka Salamander) shotting the crap out of those yellow spikes and popping up his mobile shield when it emits electrical blasts. I’ll sprint towards my mobile mech suit.

      Once inside the mech suit, I’ll start unloading my rockets and machine gun at the beast’s weak yellow spikes. We try to keep this up until the spikes become smaller, grey and remain hidden inside his body.

      As soon as they two or more become smaller, I’ll hop out of my mech and try infiltrate his body and shoot it from inside out. As this happens Dennis will engage in damaging it’s secondary weak points – one of its six knees. Dennis should concentrate on taking down at least 2 of these knees, as the Gordiant will be stunned for at least 30 seconds to 1 minute.

      When the Gordiant is stunned, I’ll pop in front of it and focus on the inside of its mouth. I’ll try to keep relatively far from the Gordiant to avoid getting killed while pumping my shotgun into the mouth for continued massive damage.

      • As Kenny, focuses on the mouth, I’ll run back onto the Gordiant’s back and shot the remaining yellow spikes.

        We’ll repeat the same tactic where I focus on it’s kenees once the spikes get small, grey and hidden. I’ll make sure that Kenny will lob some grenades when inside the Gordiant body. This way, we can take him down faster while it is stunned from it’s kenees being blasted away.

        Due to all this, the Gordiant should be reaching 40% of it’s life. This will trigger it to enter rage mode. In order to avoid death, we’ll try to be more careful as the Gordiant will have a considerable increase in its speed and attack, as well as the ability to release more damaging electrical blasts.

        • From the continued firing of our guns, we see the Gordiant stuttering and reacting painfully from all the damage we’re causing. The Gordiant tries to retreat, however we don’t stop and continue unleashing everything we’ve got at his mouth, knee and spikes on his back. As we fire our last remaining rockets at the massive beast mouth, it erupts violently splashing a large amount of red, yellow and orange gore all over the terrain.

          We cheer in simultaneous praise as our aim was to cause large quantities of pain by consecutively severing parts of its body one after another. We did it, Boo yeah!!

  • I’ll start off, see if anyone else wants to join, and if not I’ll get my bro to come in. And 360 would be great thanks.

    Once I see the monster, I will hunt one of the dinos from dinosaur hunter tri and rip off its flesh.

    I’ll then go back to the monster and throw the giant dinosaur bone near it and hoep for god the monster has dog instincts.

    continue

  • Ok Kwonmaster, we’ve encountered a Gordiant! It’s a Salamander-like creature that really just looks like a Crystal Covered Cactus. On 4 feet. That’s also ridiculously ultra-lethal.

    In order to kick its ass, we need to do the following;

    First, find its weakpoint. I’ll need you to lure it into this nifty, little canyon I found the other day by pretending to be a kangaroo hopping on two feet. Also, remember to wear a shield on your back so that you attract its attention. Think of yourself as Skippy the kangaroo being chased by Free Willy on land. I’ll be positioned conveniently on one of the canyon walls to provide you with moral, yet distant, support!

    Second, kick its ass! Feel free to use whatever guns you want. I took the spare rocket launcher and plasma cannon by the way so you’ll need to use something else. I think I forgot to tell you but I stuck a modified V Device to your back so the monster wouldn’t lose your trail and follow you around indefinitely. Hope you don’t mind.

    Thirdly, uhh, I also forgot to mention that this Gordiant thing likes to eat anything in sight so make sure you don’t trip over…

    • Er… I think it ate Kwonmaster, Corey! Pretty sure I saw him coming out the other end…

      Have no fear though!, I have made my way to the canyon and this thing is hot on my trail! I used my gun sword to lop off its club-tail but it grew back (who knew?!) It just made it more angry…. tried a Chameleon grenade but I think I need a Salamander grenade. Could use some help!!

      • What the hell! It ate Kwonmaster already? The guy barely stood a chance….

        And Smurf Man, I didn’t know you were chucking grenades at it? I thought that was its tail smacking the earth around! Maybe sitting up on top of the canyon wall wasn’t such a good idea. It’s hard to tell where my rockets were going exactly anyway?

        But still, I have a new idea.

        We need to open that Gordiant’s mouth and let loose with a little firepower inside! I’ll distract the giant lizard by aiming for its rear end. Naturally, the force of a rocket up its backside will cause its giant gaping mouth to open wide so that you can sneak in. Once the first rocket has connected, you’ll need to use your gunsword again on its forelegs so that the big guy comes crashing down to the ground.

        And for God’s sake man, don’t let him sit on you! We know we can get you inside him through the mouth but using the rear entry is not something I want you to try out!

        The things we do for a PS3 copy to relive our experiences… *sigh*

        • “Sorry, sorry should have warned you, it just started snapping at me and I panicked and threw everything I had at it! Including my grenades!

          We have a problem though, my gunsword is gone, when I said I threw everything at it I really mean I threw everything at it. Lucky I picked up Kwonmaster’s Warp Grenade.

          But sneak into his mouth? Just cause it worked in Men in Black DOES NOT mean it’s going to work for us…… Let’s try the Universal Greeting I saw on Transformers “Bah-weep-Graaaaagnah wheep ni ni bong”?

          ….So that didn’t work….

          *Sigh*, Okay, I’ll jump down Godzilla Jr’s gullet but rather than actually pass through his mouth and possibly die of suffocation how about this neat warp grenade. Keep him distracted with ass blasts and I’ll chuck it down his throat and detonate it. Voila portal and I am in his belly!! Then I’ll chuck another warp grenade out of his mouth and teleport his insides out?! Think it will work?! If not grab the Pile Driver and stake the b*stard. Then cut me out of him. ASAP. Let’s do it.

          • Warp grenades are a great idea! Let me go get some more from the base.

            *Uses warp grenade* – WARP – *Teleports to base and stocks up on selection of weapons. Uses warp grenade* – WARP – *Arrives right behind Gordiant’s tale*

            Smurf Man, I’m gonna hold this thing down with my Pile Driver. It’s got enough rounds for that bloody, annoying tail and its stupid feet. It’ll also stop it from emitting shockwaves and sitting on top of your shiny, little head. Once the little bugger is pinned to the floor like a flightless piñata, I’ll warp across to you my spare rocket launcher so we can blast that gaudy crystal on the top of its head. Before I do this though, find Kwonmaster’s shield and purple vital suit! You need protection from his tongue otherwise he’ll start licking you to death.

            And if you die like that, I’ll probably die soon afterwards of laughter.

            Once we get you inside his body, we’ll move on to the next stage of the Insides-Outside plan!

          • Commencing Operation Inside-Outside!

            Just removing the blood and various substances from the shield and purple vital suit. Maaaaan why wear purple? Salamanders see in ultra violet I am going to look like a beacon of light. Wait is that right? Not sure it matters right now. Wish I had my Green Lantern ring around here.

            *Running from possible death-by-licking*

            Okay Corey, he’s after me! Pin Gordiant down now!! Hurry up he seems to be charging up all of his attacks, I hope this isn’t a turn based encounter cause I don’t see myself surviving if he (she?) goes first.
            When you pin him you are going to have to throw me the spare rocket launcher (seriously who has a ‘spare’ rocket launcher?) really fast and then I am going in!

            *Avoids various tail slams and shockwaves*

            Noooowww!!!!!! Take down this Final Fantasy reject!!

          • *Pins the tail on the donkey, uhh I mean Gordiant, while dodging tailswipes, horsekicks, bumsquats and natural gas attacks*

            ALRIGHTY SMURF MAN! I did it! I’ve nailed all four of his feet to the ground! Take my rocket launcher and just aim it at his eyes. That way, he won’t be able to see you in ultra-violet and lick you in an exceedingly accurate and inappropriate matter!

            Once we take out those eyes, he will moan like a lizard (never seen a lizard moan but there’s always a first?!) and we’ll get access through the thro….

            Wait a sec….

            Throat….Rocket Launcher… Eyes….

            ….

            …….

            ………

            EYE SOCKETS!!! Forget the throat, let’s get inside him through each eye socket and take a one-way trip straight to the brain!!!! When we get there, then we’ll just alter the Insides-Outside plan by simply warping his brain outside of his head! And onto that giant crystal on top of him!

            He’ll be taken down by his own empty-headedness.

            *Cleverly avoids a sudden combination tongue-twister attack and uses last nail to pin down the Gordiant’s tongue. Passes the spare rocket launcher to Smurf Man to blow Gordy’s eyes out*

            LETS GO!

          • But… What if I want to be licked in an exceedingly accurate and inappropriate manner?

            *Dodges club-tail*

            Okay forget it, ready, aim, FIRE!

            *Fires a series of rockets at Gordiant’s eyes, the combined firepower destroys both eyes and opens a pathway directly to the brain*

            I am going in for the kill, cover me!

            *Drops the rocket launcher and deftly dodges the Gordiant’s blind tail attacks. Runs towards the head and aims warp grenade. Corey’s focus fire keeps it distracted. Throws the grenade directly into the eye. WARPS!!!*

            Oh Man it is gross in here….. he has a really small brain. It seems to be protected by some crystal rock. I can’t get to his brain! He is shaking his head like crazy this must hurt a lot! Okay Corey, can you hear me? The pressure is slowly crushing my suit. Running out of oxygen. You’ll need to teleport something large into his body and explode him from the inside out! Can you hear me? I saw a GAH-42BS Vital Suit outside… its weapon systems are damaged but if you can…teleport…it…insid-…

            *Static*

          • —Due to a sudden retcon, the Gordiant’s tail was nailed incorrectly and conveniently broken free for reasons of comment continuation. The Gordiant that was also encountered suffered previous debilitating injuries in its 2 middle legs, reducing its leg count to 4. We sincerely apologise for any past or future plot inconsistencies—

            SMURF MAN!!!! You can’t die on me here, buddy! This was my plan and it’s my fault so I am going to make things right!

            Gordiant, I hope you’re ready…

            *Locates the GAH-42BS Vital Suit near the canyon wall. Positioned inside, makes all weapons operational and quickly aims at the freely moving tail. Burnt to a smokey crisp.*

            Smurf Man, if you can hear me, hold on mate! I’m teleporting the Vital Suit to your location so you need to stay alive! We’ve already lost Kwonmaster and I’m not going to lose you too. Otherwise I’m screwed as there’s no more expendible teammates I can survive off at their own expense.

            Smurfy probably didn’t hear that =P

            *Uses warp grenade inside Vital Suit* – WARP – *Arrives at Smurf Man’s location, on top of the Gordiant’s brain*

            Smurf, wake up! Come on! My WARP grenades won’t go off. And the pressure is slowly creasing my suit!

            I don’t have much time left. The inside of this lizard’s head will kill me and I can’t use my grenades to escape.

            I didn’t want to do this.

            But there’s no choice.

            Smurf, if you can respond, now would be a great time. I have to detonate the Vital Suit inside the Gordiant’s head or we’ll both suffocate. It’s the only way. I know I’m a self-serving cowardly pirate but then what pirate isn’t?

            I’m sorry the Insides-Outside plan will lead to our death…

            But I feel this…will…..be…..my….last…..comm—-

          • Retcon? What is this DC Comics?! Don’t apologise for inconsistencies, not one tv show/game/movie is consistent these days!!… er anyways… back to my predicament…

            Corey… is that you? I can see light…. I am going to the light… hey look there’s Kwonmaster… stop shouting… hey there is a giant suit in here? I can’t escape..my warp grenade is somewhere in Gordiant’s head.. I can’t find it. Where is yours?!

            *Spots the WARP grenade in Corey’s hand and hits it repeatedly. Light turns on indicating it is ready for WARP*

            I am going to use it. Mainly because you are unconscious and cannot argue… It should be dying with the suit in its head…. I can hear it ‘moaning’? But just to be sure…

            Corey? Corey?

            *Turns on the self-destruct mode on the suit and uses the warp grenade to warp out of there, just before he vanishes something glinting catches his eye in Corey’s hands*

            Well… serves us right for vacationing on a planet with giant salamander. Lost Planet indeed. God it stinks in here.

            *WARP!*

            *BOOM*

            *Huge explosion rocks Gordiant’s head. Ball of fire rises from where its head used to be. Smoke cloud covers the area and for a moment there is nothing just orange and grey. Minutes later the dust settles. A headless Chameleon (please don’t grow your head back) has slumped the ground. Blood, brain and guts rain down from the heavens. Smurf Man stands back, taking it all in, catching his breath, shedding a fake tear for Corey.. He walks slowly over to the destroyed body and sees something glinting. He moves closer and recognises Corey’s right-hand holding something rectangular in his hand.

            It is a copy of Lost Planet 2 PS3 edition. Weird.

            Sigh….I lose more teammates that way

            *Trundles off into the distance*

  • I would flip the beast onto its back and attack it with my SMG and/or rocket launcher for MASSIVE DAMAGE. In terms of historical accuracy this is the only way to attack any kind of outsized crustacean and/or insectoid creature.

    • has loaded up a hypodermic delivery system with 3WB (Wicked Witch of West Blood) and fired it directly at the beast. The water from the pistol is now causing significant damage. Thankfully, the ‘Bang’ flag has startled the beast, and allowed a brief tactical retreat to consider our next move.

        • realises his mistake in deciding to play the straight man in this battle. I quickly fire a tracking dart into my team-mates ankle as he flies towards the beast, and ready my homing missile. If I have to sacrifice my team mate to win this, then so be it…

          • Jetpackinhg towards the beast, I see that my teammate has locked on and ready to fire the ULTIMATE WEAPON.

            Combining a Gears 2 Lancer and the best mech rocket propulsion system is…

            THE ROCKET CHAINSAW

            As I dive into the belly of the beast, in my final moments I note that it reminds me strangely of the Riftworm from Gears 2. As I fade to black, I think:

            “It’s all up to Jeremy now.”

  • Preference: Xbox360

    She found me on my last expedition,
    Unfortunately I had low ammunition,
    I pulled out my side arm,
    But she caused me great harm,
    Wounded, “Is this my last mission?”

    • Boom! said my mighty great Boom Stick,
      I grazed her, but that did the trick,
      I throw Stone a Medpack,
      And run round to her back,
      I can manage, but Stone “Get well quick!”

      • With Bandages I dress my gash,
        I’m OK, I can rejoin the clash,
        But I’m still out of lead,
        and she’s full of bloodshed
        “Explody!”, I shriek to an ear piercing flash!

        • I knew that frag was too close,
          As the shrapnel just grazed my nose,
          I toss Stone a clip,
          Then hear an odd rip,
          She’s pinned me, I’m done, I suppose…

          • Tentacles, eyes, snow and dust,
            through it a clip of ammo was thrust.
            I aim for her chin
            it slackens her pin.
            “Get Fu**ing loose!” I desperately cuss

          • With haste I twist myself free,
            It’s time we bring this Akrid to its knee,
            I below a command,
            Stone hears my demand,
            We both deliver a mighty bullet spree

          • She screams as she opens her maw,
            Immediately I notice her flaw,
            A large exposed membrane,
            I knew it was her bane,
            “Explody! Focus fire on her jaw!”

          • Together we dance with our guns,
            She’s scared, she turns and she runs,
            But with a guttural sound,
            The beast falls to ground,
            Nature’s mistake is undone.

          • Success, she’s no longer alive,
            and to think we wouldn’t survive.
            But the fight is not done
            the war’s just begun,
            “Brothers to the end”, High-five.

          • Nice one Stone and Mr Explody!

            However, I hope you’ll get excluded from the competition since you broke the rule:

            “You can keep replying back and forth up to five times each. No more than that though!”

  • *wipes sweat and Akrid giblets off brow*

    Phew… all right, that was a tough level, felt like I did most of it though… is your trigger button playing up again?

    – WHOA! –

    Never mind! That’s one freakin’ big boss! Alright, quick strategise…. I’ll head up to the cover right in front of us, and draw the fire. You head to the left to get into a flanking position…

    [PS3]

    • Hmm, I’ll just hang back out of the action so that you can respawn once you die… wait, this isn’t Halo? Ohh… no wonder I was having so much trouble tea-bagging those guys back there!

      • *In cover, under heavy fire*

        Where are you man? I need you on the left!! Damn it, I was saving this big arse bomb for later on, but you’ve force my hand. I’m going to jump out and fire this, you HAVE to cover me while I’m firing this. I’ll be open for like 5 seconds…..

        • *Reloads gun*
          I’ve got you covered, man.

          *starts running in, then starts to slow down*
          Oh, look….. that dog has a puffy tail!

          *Starts running in the opposite direction*
          here puff! hehehe, here puff!

          • *Fires bomb, jumps back to cover*

            Damn that took half my health! Still, the boss is weak now, so now’s the time to perform a co-ordinated strike. There’s a weak spot on each side of this boo, so I’ll strafe left, you strafe right, keep your finger on the trigger.

            Don’t let up and I’ll see you at the cover on the other side of the boss… GO!!

            *starts strafing left, firing*

          • *Also starts strafing left, firing into the back of Gobbo*

            What?
            Oh, the OTHER left.

            Ha, look, sorry, I thought you were American, so you know, other side of the road type thing…. never mind, I’m here now.

            Hey, do we have friendly fire on? Cause you are losing a lot of health there….. Man, sucks to be you right now.

          • *fighting for the same piece of cover as Drew*

            I’m almost dead, things are getting dark… …it won’t even let me into cover properly… time for the last stand…

            *draws out cliched over-powered pistol*

            …it’s tough to make the shot will all this blood in my eyes…

            – BAM!! –

            What a head shot! He’s going down! Ohhhh yeah!!

            Next stop, the enemy stronghold. The toughest of the tough, the hardest of the hard, the nastiest of the nasty. Time for some serious co-operation here; we need to work as one, move as one and shoot as one.

          • Sweet!
            Nice team work.

            Oh, even sweeter, I just got a trophy for not losing any health!
            Man, I earned that.
            That was a hella hard boss fight.

            Oh, yeah, um, don’t know about that final level now…. got my girlfriend calling me, and see, yeah, well, you know….
            You’ll do fine, I’m sure.

  • [PS3] I slump in my bean bag, head throbbing from last night’s Jaeger bomb marathon, and reach for my trusty DualShock 3. If there’s one thing that cures hangovers, it’s gaming. I text Grabda to see if he’s up for some intense Lost Planet 2 co-op action and ready myself for the battle ahead.

    “Sup G. Fire up the PS3, it’s time for some LP2 carnage. No excuses.”

    • I’d just finished dinner when I received a message from Gander. He wants to hit up some co-op in Lost Planet 2. Will have to convince the missus to get off the TV.

      “Sam’s watching MasterChef, I should be able to get on after that. Talk to you in 30.”

      • ‘Since when did Masterchef trump a gaming session?’ I thought, as I made a whip-cracking hand signal for my own amusement. I spend the next 30 mins mindlessly walking around E.D.N. III while I waited for my PS3 to tell me Grabda is online. Just as I was about to shotgun blast the head off an unsuspecting Akrid, Grabda signs in.

        Me, over the headset: “It’s about time. I cannot believe your missus made you watch Matt Preston while you could have been killing shit with me. No time to waste, let’s go!”

        • “Alright, lets do this. I’ve only got an hour or so to play so we’ll have to get this done quickly.”

          I wonder if hes completed the campaign when I ask him to pick whatever mission he feels like playing.

          “We should play on easy and start from the beginning. There is a trophy for completing 39 chapters on easy mode.”

          • “F**k easy, what are you, a noob? We are heading straight to that crazy train level!”

            20 minutes later…

            Grabda: “Seriously dude, wtf? You have to dodge the rockets”

            Chris: “I’m struggling. It’s quite possible I’m still drunk.”

            Grabda: “Holy Mother of Christ, now they hit us with a giant worm thing, wasn’t 2 speeding trains and a shitload of rockets enough?”

            Chris: “This level designer was on crack, I’m sure of it.”

  • To Kotaku Readership,

    We (MrBS & I) apologise in advance for making everyone cringe at our entry, we are fully aware of how lame this is (but we couldn’t resist). :p Our console preference is PS3. So to kick things off…

    As we arrive on the distant planet, we step forth from our spaceship to instantly confront a beastly monster before us. We briefly look each other and give each other a slight knowing nod and assume our battle stance…

  • Here we go! PS3 please 🙂

    To tip the scales in our favour, I lure the beast into our lair, ripe for an ambush. I am a bundle of nerves and excitement as I anticipate what is about to take place…

  • After rapidly tapping the b button on my xbox360 controller gaining control of the activation post, I would get two of my team members to pick up heavy weapons aka rocket launchers while me and Lost Cause retreive some V.S mounted machine guns.

    • We gotta use the Machine guns to take out the boss Akrid’s limbs and disable it so the two other team members can shoot it in the head with the rockets and do the most damage.

      • Yeah but we can’t count on the fact that there is gonna be two other players, so i think ill get on the machine gun and you get on the rocket launcher.
        That way we can kill it with or without a full squad.

        • Yeah good point,
          Make sure you’re at a good height to shoot it in the head or I’m gonna waste a heap of ammo waiting for you to get in position.

  • Yep I can do that if there is somewhere high to get to. And dont you forget to move around a bit to make it harder for the akrid to get you.

    • okay but u gotta do one thing for me, for the final kill shot you gotta go Starship Troopers still and jump on its back and shoot it in the back of the head. BooYeah!!!!

  • [PS3]

    Partner: Epilogue

    Setting: Ancient Jungle Ruins

    Theme song for this particular boss fight; ‘Lux Aeterna’ by Clint Mansell.

    Whilst my partner readyies his weapons, I gain the beasts attention by firing at it long range with a VS Homing Laser, leaving multiple impact wounds along it’s body.

    This first assault will however not be nearly enough to bring the beast down, and due to it’s reasonable levels of speed, the laser will not be viable for pro-longed use in this
    Battle.

    • The battle is intense and scary. I am frantically trying to reload my gatling gun… My partner is nearly overcome by the sheer power of the beast.

      Just as he is about to have his face mauled off I manage to get the the barrels spinning and lay a few shots into the beast. Which redirects its attention towards me.

      Spraying frantically at the beast as it lunges towards me my weapon becomes too hot to hold and it drops to the ground.

      • Noticing the redirection of the beasts attention, I throw the Homing Laser to the ground and let forth a flurry of Disc Grenades. Some of the Disc Grenades fly astray but most are direct hits on the back of the creature.

        The creature is damaged, but not enough for it to care about me, its sights are set on the unarmed Epilogue now currently running for cover in the undergrowth. I’m going to need a few shots from a large gun to reattain this beasts attention.

        Quickly I unstrap my Rifle SP and start lining up some shots at what I assumed would be the creatures weakpoints, unloading a whole magazine into the beast. The beast lurches forth a bit, and swiftly spins around and snarls at me. The bolts must have hit just right spots. Now with the attention once again focused on me, it starts to run at me, slowly at first but gaining momentum until it’s running towards me at full speed.

        • With the full brunt of the beast focusing on Connor. I frantically began searching around, looking for a weapon, anything.

          The beast is amazingly menacing and looks to overcome his opponent at any second. Whilst searching I quickly find a weapons cache in the undergrowth. After opening it I am blinded by the shine emanating from the weapon inside.

          It is a gun sword. I quickly pick up the heavy weapon, and begin running at the beast who is swiping unrelentlessly at Connor. I manage to reach the best quicker than I have ever thought possible, I jump like I am in low gravity. And stab the beast in the nape. Then pull the trigger. The effect is stunning, literally. The beast has noticeably been seriously affected by the blow.

          • The beast staggers around, throwing it’s head around in extreme agony. The beast has been exceptionally damaged from the past two assaults and is starting to act reckless and erratic. After throwing itself around a little bit whilst we assess the situation, the beast once again turns itself around and gives each of us a slight glance, roars then charges at Epilogue and I.

            Noticing that the beast hasn’t a particular target, we dodge roll to either side, the beast narrowly missing both of us and slamming into a small tree, knocking it over. Epilogue and I both let off a few rounds whilst the beast gains its bearings.

            After realising what has happened, the beast snarls and charges forth once more, targeting me rather than Epilogue due to the high powered rounds my Sniper uses.

            The creature hardly hanging on, and exceptionally damaged from the fight is thinking of nothing else other than to see Evan, myself and more importantly our weapons, DESTROYED. This will perhaps be it’s final charge…

          • The beast bearing down upon Connor, although obviously weaker than before is still intimidating. As it stumbles towards its prey I notice an exposed wound on the beasts back, obviously caused by my previous blade attack.

            I grab a grenade off my belt, pull the pin and run at the beast. As the beast nears I jump and throw the grenade into the deep exposed wound. Boom!!! The beast explodes into thousands of pieces flesh. We are covered in blood and tiny bits of brain matter.

            Wow. That was one ugly beast. Yep. And we celebrate with a nod and walk off.

  • [PS3 pleeeaaasseee] “Ok, well i’d start this fight the very same way i would another other fight involving someone with far superior size and strength… I’d kick them right in the nads, what do you think stealthy?

    • Dude, i am all for kicking people in the nads, but do you really think that would work in this situation, i mean that thing would have some massive nads…

        • yeah i know, but c’mon those nads could like squash a small nation. I just dont think us two kicking it would work

          • so how do you propose we wear and then subsequently kick these massive nads with massively huge boots, and while you’re at it, why not just say we’ll summon a bajillion ton anvil and squash the boss to death.

          • Well for a start thats not very creative. and it also wouldnt involve a good kick to the nads, man what do you have against kicking someone in the nads?

          • I dont have anything against it at all… Ok man is that all we’re doing? Just kicking it in the nads?

          • well I imagine it wont be very keen to fight after that. I’d say that 99% of the time, thats a won fight right there. I think we can call it a day.

  • [Woohoo! I’m teaming with SarahK. She’s trying to win this for her brother. So I won’t be needing another teammate, thanks!]

    He stretched out his hands and pawed his way out of the pile of snow. He found that he was breathing heavily.

    More snow had begun to fall. He wiped his forehead, and realised that it was not snow, but the particles of skin blown off the 30 or so insects that attacked him. So much for those guys.

    Being a snow pirate is no walk in the park…

    “Sarah, are you still alive?!” he shouted.
    “Yes Nick, I’m over here!” came the reply.

    He adjusted his gaze in the general direction of the voice, and started trudging towards it.

    Just then, a terrible vibration shook the ground. He knew the feeling. He cocked his weapon, still warm from the last battle.

    Out from the ground burst a huge ugly monster, erupting chunks of rock in every direction.

    “The uglier they are, the gorier they die!” and he squinted and took aim.

    • Sarah felt the vibration too. It reminded her of that trip she took to Mount Krakatoa in Indonesia a long time ago.

      Those were simpler times. Yes, When life was about spontaneity and ticking off items in the “things to do before I die” list.

      It was then that she saw Nick pointing the gun at the huge creature and something clicked in her head. As ugly as the creature was, it too was a living being, doesn’t it deserve to live as much as we do?
      Why do we indulge ourselves in this meaningless war? Where the only winners are death and despair?

      She ran towards Nick as fast as she could, and stood in front of him, impeding the line of sight of the scope and the beast. A few seconds past, which felt like an eternity for Sarah, as she stared down the barrel of the gun.

      Then, the creature spoke “Thank you ever so much human. No one before has seen pass my ugly exterior, and shoot before I have a chance to say anything. The truth is, we are but peaceful vegetarian insects. We burrow in the ground to avoid the cold and come up occasionally to munch on the bark of the Taiga tree. We mean no harm to humans”

      Sarah was glad.

      “No, thank you creature. You have taught us both a very important lesson about tolerance today”

      • [Sorry, forgot to mention, PS3 for us both]

        OBVIOUSLY, it was merely a facade on Sarah’s part… She was a master at attaining the trust of anyone, even enemies. Nick smirked.

        They don’t call her ‘Sarah the Slick’ for nothing…

        Nick made an acrobatic dive to the right, opening fire. The hideous monster let out a screech, blood gushing from its armour-like hide. Heh. Nothing stops our special acid-coated rounds.

        Being a pirate has its advantages.

        As quick as a wink, Sarah made a 180 turn, kneeling on one leg at pulled out her own gun, all in one swift move. She took aim and fired as well, her face showing none of that faked compassion and sympathy present awhile ago.

        • [Oh sorry, that last reply was supposed to be from Nick, we figured because we are short of time, we will just write to each other separately and then post it all in one go. THIS is my real reply. sigh, sorry, new to this]

          Sarah DID take aim and fire. But she fired at Nick and not the creature. She was disgusted that Nick attempted to kill the creature even after its heartfelt outpour. Nick truly had a misconception about the true feelings of Sarah.

          They dont call him ‘Nick the Dick’ for nothing.

          The bullet knocked Nick’s gun clean off his hand, breaking it for good. She then took out the ammunition of her own gun and threw it in the nearby bottomless pit. Now no one had ANY weapons. The ONLY way to solve this mess is to talk it out and resolve our differences.

          They all sat down and discussed the meaningless war that has gripped the two sides, occasionally dropping in small talk of hobbies, lifestyle and humourous experiences. They found out that they were not too different, the insects and humans, only the exterior.

          Sarah felt especially connected to the creature, whom they now know has a name, Jimmy. She believed that this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

          • Nick played along with this stupid charade. It was the only way to survive seeing as they had no weapons.

            Nick knew that Sarah had a split personality, but he is beginning to be concerned as the pansy, weakling side of her began to show more and more with each passing day. He and his team knew the time would come to expel her from the band of Snow pirates. In war, the weak perish and the strong live.

            As Sarah and the creature share tearful stories of breaking up with exes and eating chocolate ice-cream, Nick was anxiously looking at his watch. Little do they know that before they began their mission here, Nick has called in for air support should they not be heard from in 3 hours.

            The clock is ticking, 2 minutes to go…

            The three of them might all soon be dead, but he will die a proud Snow Pirate, and not a crying wreck of emotional meat.

          • As Jimmy and Sarah bonded, a link began to form between them.

            Sarah found that Jimmy was sensitive to the motives of other humans, much like the gut feeling that Sarah came to rely on so much in her life.

            The movements and facial expression of Nick tells it all. He was planning something sinister.

            Sarah and Jimmy made eye-contact, communicating without words their intentions. Men will forever be engulfed in ridiculous war as long as they had the mindset like Nick’s. She was sorely dissapointed in him, and only wished he had opened up, for it would have ended the war then and there.

            She jumped on the back of Jimmy, and they both jumped into the hole that Jimmy first emerged from. Sarah had heard of Jimmy’s home. A multitude of creatures of different sizes, all living as a community, and would be more than welcome to accept Sarah into their lives.

            Yes, she knew it would be better there, away from blood-hungry men like Nick.

          • RIDICULOUS, Nick thought to himself.

            To think that Sarah would betray the human race to be with a creature not even of her own species. He failed to see the appeal of these creatures that so enticed the womankin. Much like the movie “Twilight”.

            As the depressing duo dissapeared into the hole, Nick’s air support arrived. They did not bomb the place as he initially expected. Instead, the helicopter dropped a huge shiny Mech to the ground.

            Perfect! It was the MSII-KIL model, fitted with the drill mode attachment and more guns and ammo than you can pump into a horde of zombies.

            Indeed, the war will end today. But it will end with Nick wiping out the entire colony of insects. Sarah unwittingly led him right into their nest.

            Once there he prepped his mech, claws deployed into the ground as support, gears grinded as the shotguns, flamethrowers, and missle launchers found their targets.

            And Nick let loose a hellish rain of explosion and fire onto the nest. Laughing as he knew Sarah would be amongst the pathetic creatures.

            All will end tonight.

          • As the curtains closed on the supposed destruction of Jimmy’s beloved home, Nick awoke from his hallucination.

            He was delusional from lost of blood. When Sarah took aim at Nick after he shot Jimmy, she did not aim for his gun, but instead aimed for his chest.

            Sarah and Jimmy DID talk and resolved their differences, that much was true. Nick must have heard all that while he lay spasming on the floor. His air support did come as well, but they landed and were more than willing to talk to end the war.

            Nick dreamed the whole Mech thing, and Sarah was glad that at least he died smiling.

            The war was over, and the creatures and humans co-existed in harmony ever since.

          • [umm, this comment was supposed to be a reply to SarahK’s latest comment, as the fifth and final reply…sigh it is all over the place. hope this doesn’t affect our chances. Thanks!]

  • Okidoki, Xbox 360.

    I sight the Akrid from a concealed position, undetected, and do a quick check of my gear. Machine gun. 500 rounds. 10 grenades. I see you on the opposite side of the great beast, crouched behind cover and also undetected for now. I give you a silent hand signal that I am ready.

    • I too check my gear. I have 3 gum grenades, a Rifle and for some reason 100 shotgun shells. Desperate, I try to force a shell into the rifle using a rock. The rifle refuses. I’m also missing pants, which is a little emabarrasing but luckily you can’t see that because I am crouched behind my cover. I see you wave to me, so I stand up and wave back.

      • The Akrid spots you immediately and begins turning to eviscerate you. It is clear to me (and the Arkid) that you are not wearing pants. This seems to make it even angrier. I curse and charge ahead. I’m tossing grenades and laying down continuous fire with my gun to try to get its attention.

        • Time seems to slow down. The Akrid and I make eye contact and I swear I see its gaze drift southward for a split second before it suddenly howls and cocks its head back in rage. I fumble for a gum grenade but drop them all. The Akrid eyes me. I trip on a rock and narrowly miss a thrust from its pincer.

          • The Akrid is bleeding orange ooze out of its back but continues to ignore me. I toss the rest of my grenades in desperation, knowing that it is not enough.

          • I stand up to find that I have fallen on a gum grenade and it is now attached to my head. It starts blinking. Luckily, while I have forgotten pants, I have remembered my helmet (safety first!). The Akrid is still eyeing me.

          • 1 grenade left. I say a silent prayer, kiss it and let fly. It lands between you and the Akrid.

          • *well, this is not working because it is taking too long for moderation approval and it is now 11.50pm. So, I’m just going to dump the rest that my brother and I had planned:

            Jim: Something soft lands close to me and explodes, knocking me off my feet. There is dust and smoke everywhere. I can’t see anything but the red glow of the armed grenade on top of my helmet. I take it off to wipe the dirt from my face when suddenly i see the sharp teeth emerge from the smoke and snatch it from my hand.

            Badger: I see the Akrid swallow something. There is a pause. It seems confused. And then it suddenly explodes. Gore and guts fly everywhere. I am covered in gore and guts. I am not in a good place right now.

            Jim: Victoriously I emerge, pantsless from the dust, smoke and mountain of guts. I give you the “A-Ok” sign with my right hand. You give me the finger with your left.

            The End.

  • Sorry, wanted to try this with my bro, but didn’t realise the moderation check was going to get in the way (not sure if our posts are going to come out weird). Will try again tomorrow.

    Great idea for a competition btw!

  • On PS3 thanks.
    I’m saddling up with Sprogai…when he reads this.

    As I slowly started to come round, head throbbing,body aching, I remeber the Haiku
    you taught me, when we started studying politics together.
    I think it went somthing like :

    Is war worth the price
    if it prevents our freedom
    to rear our children?

    Caskets returning
    bodies of men and women;
    war costs us a lot.

    I can slowly feel circulation returning to my arms and legs, I can move them, albeit gently.
    The blurry eyesight I first experienced when coming to, has passed, and I’m lying slanted, unable to get up.
    The ringing in my ears has gone, and I hear the alarms to my Vital Suit going off.
    Power is at critical, and awaiting to be restored, I’m stuck.
    Doesn’t look like I’m going anywhere at the moment, gotta hold on before IT comes back and finish us off.
    Where the F^%$ is Sprogai !?!? He was supposed to have my back…figures…trust him to leave me here.
    He never did like me, ever since I married his sister.

    Gloria, shnookems, baby…I’m sorry…your Megaman isn’t ganna be able to make it back to you and Johnny.
    I’m….I’m sorry Johnny, your dady won’t be able to buy you that Japanese re-issued Generation 1 Transformers PredaKing you wanted…
    Please….Please….Forgive me…..You take care of your mum ok??….

    • I knew i had abandoned him. My team mate. My wingman…Bukake

      I just couldn’t hold it anymore. You see, i had Xenophilia.

      And i wanted in. Alien balls and all.

      He needed me. And i needed IT.

      Thats how he got hurt. Thats why he’s there now, on the ground, about to loose it all. Wife. Kid.

      All because of me. All because i needed tentacle tenderness. Proboscis passion…

      • (AHAHAHAHAH WTF!?!?!? How to follow??)

        “Vital Suit now back Online”
        “Bout friggin time”, I muttered as I began the rigorous strains of standing my suit back up.

        The ground begins to tremble….before suddenly stopping.

        “Oh Shite, it’s coming back, it’s coming back” !!
        With all my might I muster to get my Vital Suit back to being fully operational.
        Something in my pereferal vision…
        !! There !! off in the distance, is IT back??
        Glaring 20m up a rocky dune, cuts a dark,foggy silhouette.
        With the fog beginning to clear, I then see him in full form, mouth salivating. Frothing even…is he?…Is he relishing this?
        “SPROGAI !!….Get down from there, and cover me! We gotta take down this thing !!!

        A giant Roar can be heard off in the distance….It’s heard us!!

        Sprogai remains still, his hands have now been relased from control sticks, and have begun slowly unbuttoning his standard issue suit.
        Hands now gyrating under the control hub,my view, now obscured by my visor. What’s he yanking at?? I don’t recal there being an extra shaft/stick being issued to the Kotaku07 Model Suit. What ever it is, he’s certainly enjoying it.

        ITs footsteps can be heard now. It’s creeping up.
        Sprogai has a look of elation on his face !!
        “C’mon man” !!
        I’ve gotta make it through this.
        For Gloria, for Johnny.
        I’ve got 2 mouths to feed and love.
        And you Sprogai? Godamn you! You’re thinking bout feeding your mouth wih alien balls !!…this isn’t the TIME !!

        • The timing was perfect…. I was ready…i was so, so close….

          My darling was on the way and i knew it could smell me…smell my eagerness…

          Whats this!! Bukake!! He’s still alive!! But wait…!!!

          He was in the way! Between me and my queen.

          I can see Bukake clearly now. Oh no!! he doesn’t realise!!

          The beast that is coming for me is not your enemy!!!

          My words fall into the emptiness. He cant hear me.

          What happens next hurts the most.

          With precise aim, with unmatched skill he set his weapon against that which i hold so dear…

          The sound of her body meeting the ground created a new feeling inside me…one i feared, one i hoped would never come to the surface….

          My NecrophilicXenophobia… Now she was all mine… She would be my….silent….alien….lover….

          • The deed was done…IT had been slain.
            Somehow, we had managed to overcome the impossible. Together, against the odds, we had managed to take down the gigantic behemoth in a manner most would deem unethical.

            For the Alien, with his extremely volatile go-nads, flashing orange, indicating a weakness, had attempted to pounce on me, and was met with the cold raw hard steel of my cocked weapon, and I quickly pulled the trigger and exploded my round.
            Actually, using the word “Cocked, and exploded my round” are a bad choice of words.
            Actually, realising the word “Cocked and exploded my round” as being a bad choice of words, paled in comparison to what I was now baring witness to.

            For the alien, IT. The one I had extinguished the “LIFE” from the word “Lifeform”, laid dead on the ground, had now been laid bare, lifeless and was now taking on another form.
            For Sprogai, his eyes now entranced by the delight of the slain monster, had decided to form a more…loving bond…and he was literally, Cocking his weapon, and ready to explode his round.

            I was dumbfounded…sickened…yet somewhat aroused…
            Sprogai was certainly going to be court marshalled after this, discharged.
            But it seemed he was doing enough of that already.
            With the Aliens from Planet Lost, having lost today’s battle, my consolation prize, was that I got to live another day, and go home to my family.
            Sprogai on the other hand, not content with this, continued to plough his “Trophy” away and “Claim” his prize.

            Some considerable time later….

            The sun was slowly beginning to set, an end to a day that will haunt me forever, we slowly started to make the trek back home to Fortune City.
            “We make quite the team Sprogai. I lure ‘em out, as bait, and well….you throw your bait in after. Hook line and “sink her”.

          • It seemed like an unbreakable bond.

            The beginning of a set of soldiers with a plan to take control of the planet themselves…

            But questions still remained…

            Were the beasts after the heads on our necks…or the heads between our legs…

            I needed to find out, but more importantly…

            “Hey Bukake!” i shouted… “Wait up!” He had wondered forward. I relised i must have been deep in thought.

            “Will you just try it! I promise i wont do anything weird!!”

            “No way! Your a freak!! Get away from me!” He said pushing me away.

            “Come on!” i said slyly…. “Just hold up these tentacles and horns and pretend your attacking me…..”

          • “Man Get the F&%$ away from me! Man you need help ” ! I replied, disgusted by his gesture.
            “I’ll leave the probing to you, thanks.” It was clear that this Alien Co-Op killing partnership was not going to work.Instead of protecting my tail, it was obvious he was more after Alien tail.

            Yet what am I to do?
            Thoughts of that old TV Show Dexter springs to mind. A child with a penchant for murder and how his step dad, attempts to curb his anger and direct his lusts to criminals.
            Could the same thing be applied to Sprogai?
            He’s pretty much family…Time will tell…

            Freakish hobbies aside, Sprogai was a damn good fighter…and lover by the looks of it. The kind of guy you’d want in your corner…and not turn and corner you.
            I’d let this revelation play out and see where it took us. After all we have our new battle plan. I just need more work with the dismount part…or mounting part in Sprogai’s case.

            I hope the guys at Kotaku Command better take notice, and recognise our contribution to our community, and present us with a purple heart or some prize, it’s been one helluva journey, and Command will no doubt issue us new orders.
            Today I dodged a bullet, I’m alive…and I can’t wait to get home to my family….maybe try a few tricks I learnt from Sporgai tonight…as sick as it sounds…

            I glance over my troubled partner, somewhat a lot calmer and back in his shell.
            “Hey Sprogai…”

          • Sorry guys, looks like Sprogai is still in Transit, and was unable to finish the rest of the story.
            So I’ll just add sumthing short, just to round off our opus.

            “Relax Bukake, your in safe hands, I’m not ganna harm you in your sleep”.
            Bukake seemed somewhat releived by this piece of news, straightened up his Vital suit,
            and together trudged along back to Fortune City to be debriefed.

  • Xbox 360

    Teaming up with luverly_5pam – we’re doing a different queen song each time to tell out tale..

    AAAAHH, i’m gonna take out tonight?
    AAAAHH, camp beside that red firelight;
    grisly huntin and hangin out
    twelve storey beast,
    You make our rockin’ world go round.

    Hey
    I am just a skinny lad
    singing tales is my new fad,
    and i’ll tell you this in key of queen,
    co-op hunting a big fat baddy,
    with scoped guns and my machetty,
    great big beasty, you gunna make a man outta me!
    Hey hey!

    i’ve been huntin with this man
    Across the water, across the land,
    I seen every scaled behemoth on the way, hey
    but my cunning and my guile
    leaves me bored after a while.
    give me a twelve storey beast any dayyy!

    (C’mon)
    Oh won’t you hunt with me tonight?
    Oh camp beside a red firelight,
    Oh and you give it all you got
    twelve storey beasts we have searched and now we’ve found!!
    twelve storey beasts, we have searched and now we’ve found!!

    • Basilisk Basilisk Basilisk
      I want to kill a Basilisk Basilisk Basilisk
      I want to kill a Basilisk
      I want to smash its head
      I want to kill a Basilisk
      I want to kill it till its dead

      You say flank I say run
      You say chain I say gun
      You say duck I say hey man
      Its Jaws are hard to dodge
      And I don’t like orders
      You say bomb I say nuke
      You say Doom? Give me some Duke!
      You say Flawed… I say Christ
      It’s cutting off our exits man
      Unless you fly like Superman
      All I wanna do is

      Basilisk Basilisk Basilisk
      I want to kill a Basilisk Basilisk Basilisk
      I want to kill a Basilisk
      I want to kill a bike
      I want to kill a Basilisk
      I want to kill a
      Basilisk beasties are coming your way
      So get out your rifle oh yeah!
      12 story beasts they’ll be feeding today
      So look out for those beauties oh yeah
      On your marks get set fire!
      Basilisk beast Basilisk beast Basilisk beast
      Basilisk Basilisk BasI want to kill a Basilisk
      Basilisk Basilisk Basilisk
      Basilisk beast

      You say side I say arm
      You say na I say palm
      Air Strike? I say cool it man
      I don’t think we got that option in this title…
      You say ouch I say Jeez
      You need health? I say please
      Where’s a crate I say Jesus
      I don’t wanna be a military
      For statistic or casualty
      Cos all I want to do is

      Basilisk Basilisk Basilisk
      I want to kill a Basilisk Basilisk Basilisk
      I want to kill a Basilisk
      I want to smash it’s head
      I want to kill a Basilisk
      I want to kill it till it’s dead

      • We dont’have an extra life
        our battle’s not fantasy
        before a bassilisk
        No escape that we can see
        cock you guns
        Look to its eyes and see
        That’ll be it’s weakness, come, fire with me
        an easy task, it’s wont be, no
        i’ll aim high, you aim low
        try to dodge its blow, but there’s one i didn’t see… didn’t see…

        jezus… almost killed again..
        put it’s paw against my head
        i wish i had’ve stayed in bed
        Partner, our quest had just begun
        But now i’ve been thrown a good 50 feet away
        Spammy, ooo
        Didn’t mean to almost die
        Promise i’ll make it up but for the moment,
        Carry on, carry on, just please don’t get splattered

        Uh-ohh, my legs won’t work
        i think it broke my spine
        Heart’s achin – Billy-ray time
        oh no, wait a minute – those aren’t MY legs
        i suppose i should get up and help you out..
        SPAMMY, ooo – (think i may have pooped a bit)
        I’ll be there in just a jiff
        This time i’ll try to be of more use….

        Running towards little silhouetto of a man
        QUICK DODGE LEFT, NOW DODGE RIGHT, and do a little handstand
        It’s shooting Thunderbolt and lightning – very very frightening me
        My Grenado, My Grenado,
        My Grenado, My Grenado,
        My Grenado hit the spot – magnifico!!!!!

        Do a little roll – oh please lord don’t let it hit me
        Do a little roll – i hope it can’t see me
        Spare me my life from this monstrosity
        Quickly now aim for the throat – will we hit its throat?
        Bassilisk! No – we did not hit the throat – HIT THE THROAT
        Bassilisk! No – we did not hit the throat – HIT THE THROAT
        Bassilisk! No – we did not hit the throat – HIT THE THROAT
        we did not hit the throat – HIT THE THROAT
        We never hit the throat – HIT THE THROAT
        we never hit the throat – ooo
        No, no, no, no, no, no, no –
        Oh luverly_5pam, luverly_5pam, luverly_5pam hit it’s throat
        Spammy has roaund put aside for it
        for it
        for iiitttttt

        *plays rifle like a guitar*

        So you think you can smack me and get dirt in my eye
        So you think you can shove me and leave me to die
        Oh bassi – you’ll have to try harder bassi
        You’re time is out – we’re gunna blow you right outta here…

        Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
        time slows to a stagger
        Wide eyed we can see
        time almost stands still – as lurverly aims at that SOB….

        • Bassi you’re a boy makes a big noise
          Playin’ in the snow gonna eat a big man some day
          I’m a handgun ace
          You big disgrace
          Sending my bullets right into your face
          Singin’

          We will we will Glock you
          We will we will Glock you

          Bassi you’re a young man hard man
          Armour plate all over, Kill you a different way
          You got blood on yo’ face
          A weaker place!
          Doubling back so I have to give chase
          Singin’

          We will we will Glock you
          We will we will Glock you

          Bassi you’re an smart man sly man
          Bullets in your eyes, Buy some time to put you away
          You got mud on your face
          You big disgrace
          Chuloopa’s gonna put you back in your place

          We will we will Glock you
          We will we will Glock you

          • It wants to break free
            It wants to break free
            It wants to break free from our nets
            Before we put it to bed with our rifles
            It wants to break free
            Hey Bud, hey bud don’t let it break free

            I’ve got me a gun
            I’ve got me a gun it’s a big one
            And this time i’ll kill it for sure
            I’ve got me a gun, yeah
            You know, i gots a great big dirty gun

            Please let my aim be true
            Spam don’t let it go or we’re both truely screwed
            i’ll shoot it down south
            so it’ll open it’s mouth
            Oh then i’ll lob a grenade, baby
            Oh yeh i’ll lob a grenade
            Ohhh help your head to break free!

            But still it goes on
            It staggers around with half of a mouth, half a mouth
            half a mouth blow out the side
            **** give a dog a bone! – hey
            We know, it’s tougher than Stalone
            oh bassi can’t you see
            we won’t let you break free

            still it tries to break free
            It wants to break free, yeah
            It wants, It wants, It wants, It wants to break free
            Ooh yeah
            I want to scream – yeah eah

          • Flash ba-ang!
            Grenade at the basilisk
            Flash ba-ang!
            To shock bassi senseless
            Flash ba-ang!
            That’s our strategy
            Flash ba-ang!

            King of the explodable
            We’ll throw ev’ry one of them
            Explode ev’ry one of them
            We’ll hurl with a mighty hand
            Ev’ry squib ev’ry cracker ev’ry bomb
            With a mighty flash

            Flash – ba-ang!
            Flash – ba-ang! – it’ll blind the basilisk

            Just two men with mankind’s courage
            We have nothing but a plan
            But we can never fail
            No one but the pure in heart
            May in the end prevail oh oh oh oh

            Flash

          • Ooh, let’s go
            i move quick to flank the beast
            trying to stay low
            a quick backflip to avoid it’s feet
            c4 primed to blow

            Are you ready, hey, are you ready 5pam?
            Are you hanging for the Blitzkreig
            on my mark let the bullets rip
            And then the bastard’ll be beat – yeah

            Basilisk bites the dust
            Basilisk bites the dust
            Jammed c4 right up his prong
            Basilisk bites the dust
            Hey, buddy don’t let up
            Till the Basilisk bites the dust

            This damn battles gone on for too long
            and i’m plain fed up
            You’ve taken everything we’ve thrown
            And kicked me into a rut

            How much longer? are you vincible?
            How long can you stand our heat
            Letting out a roar that could chill the sun
            but damn it, you will be beat
            Look out!

            Basilisk bites the dust
            Basilisk bites the dust
            Jammed c4 right up his prong
            Basilisk bites the dust
            Hey, buddy don’t let up
            Till the Basilisk bites the dust

            Hey
            Oh take this!
            Bites the dust – bite the dust hey
            Hey
            The Basilisk bites the dust
            The Basilisk bites the dust, ow
            The Basilisk bites the dust, hey hey
            The Basilisk bites the dust, heeey
            Ooh show down

            There are plenty of ways to bring a beast down
            roaring to the ground
            You can slice him
            You can dice him
            You can completely vaporize him
            till he’s done, yeah
            Now we’re ready, we’re ready for you
            we’ll take you off of your feet
            years of training we’ll do what it takes
            choke stab and explode you till your finally beat
            Oh yeah

            Basilisk bites the dust
            Basilisk bites the dust
            Jammed c4 right up his prong
            Basilisk bites the dust
            Hey, buddy don’t let up
            Till the Basilisk bites the dust
            Shoot out
            Hey, alright

          • We’ve paid our dues –
            Time after time –
            We’ve done my sentence
            But committed no crime –
            And bad mistakes
            We’ve made a few
            We’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face –
            But we’ve come through

            We are the champions – my friends
            And we’ll keep on fighting – till the end –
            We are the champions –
            We are the champions
            No time for losers
            ‘Cause we are the champions – of the world –

            We’ve taken our bows
            And our curtain calls –
            You brought us fame and fortune and everything that goes with it

            We thank you all –

            But it’s been no bed of roses
            No pleasure cruise –
            We consider it a challenge before the whole human race –
            And we ain’t gonna lose –

            We are the champions – my friends
            And we’ll keep on fighting – till the end –
            We are the champions –
            We are the champions
            No time for losers
            ‘Cause we are the champions – of this world –

            (Let’s be honest, it really didn’t need much modification!)

  • The Lost Planet With Steve Zissou
    A Wes Anderson Film

    “Encounter with highly abnormal sharklike monster! Ten meters in length, unfamiliar dorsal features, spots all over it! I shot it dorsally with a homing dart! Esteban was eaten! Check the scanning monitor! Start tracking before it dives too deep!”

    (360, please!)

    • “If we don’t handle this right, we’re gonna all get murdered. Including her unborn British child.”

      (accidentally made this as a new comment instead of a reply to tim)

      • “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go on an overnight drunk, and in 10 days I’m going to set out to find the monster that ate my friend and destroy it. Anyone who wants to join me is more than welcome.”

  • I had a tip for a massive score in an abandoned research base in a dormant volcano deep in the jungle.

    Pretty simple, Only problem was it was guarded by one big ugly monster.

    My tip was a little light on the details but he told me it totaled his VS and almost killed him.

    Massive beast, six legs, Tentacles, and red eyes, I couldn’t handle it alone.
    After placing an ad for an experienced snow pirate I got a reply from this guy Darius.
    After checking up on his references we met at a local bar to come up with a plan.

    “Alright, here we go, Dude gave me the coordinates. Theres a cave a few clicks south of here that’ll lead us under the mountains, then its through a jungle and we’re at the base. I got a detailed guide to get through the base, there are some small bugs in there, but nothing too hard to handle, thats the easy part.”

    “The loot is stashed at the opposite side of the volcano crater. The volcano ain’t live so we’ll be fine. The crater apparently got cover all through it, Old digging machines and research equipment who knows, scientists right? Lets dig in a Volcano. GREAT IDEA. Anyway there is some old T-ENG stashes where their Generators used to be. Along with some unique VS suit parts and a few wrecked suits from others who have tried to score. It’s almost too good to be true. Now the plan”

    http://i863.photobucket.com/albums/ab191/dmnwht/TOP%20SECRET%20PLANS/1Jones.jpg

    “So pretty much, He said it was big, Six legs, 4 Tentacles it keeps high they can move pretty fast which is what got the last guy, But he had a slow suit. He mentioned that it didn’t move just turned its head. Something about it enjoying the heat from the bunker/volcano. Whatever I figure we each flank a side, it can only focus on one of us at a time and we take it out. Our suits should have no trouble dodging two tentacles each. Good as Gravy, Loot is all ours.”

      • Arriving back at the local watering hole, two battered, bruised and one obviously a lot angrier than the other snow pirates make a beeline for the bar.

        “THAT WAS THE WORST PLAN I EVER HAD THE PLEASURE OF ALMOST DYING IN!”

        “First we kick the crap out of the maggot that gave you those worthless tips – Light on details would have been generous!”

        The idea was good. Flank the monster that didn’t move. It doesn’t need to move. It sits there watching like a giant spider with two sets of 4 eyes that followed us around independently so we couldn’t distract it for a minute.
        Massive tentacles swooped towards us and seemed to not even notice the rockets, lasers and shotgun shots that our VS’ unloaded into them.

        Diving for cover in amongst the wreckage of old machinery and bits of barely recognizable Vital suits, we decided the best way to describe anything remotely metallic had a distinct sucked on look.
        Could this sucker be into eating metals? We decided that hanging around wasn’t going to be the best way of scoring that T-ENG stash we were here for.

        “I’m glad we got the shit out of there. That thing has that volcano base by the balls. Your idea was only going to get us killed. We cant take this thing by going in guns blazing – Now lets try it my way.”

        http://i863.photobucket.com/albums/ab191/dmnwht/TOP%20SECRET%20PLANS/2Darius.jpg

        “Basically I reckon we position ourselves on opposite sides of the crater and snipe the eyeballs. As it rages about having no more eyes we unload rockets and high power lasers at the holes left behind by the eyes and when its brain explodes we dance on its head.

        You know how I know it will work? Cause its there. Step 2. See it? Good. Lock and load.”

        • Back at the bar again, A little more battered and bruised. Another round of drinks.

          “FANTASTIC, GREAT PLAN! Hey lets stand on the unstable ledge while the Akrid shoots FIRE AT US. FIRE! WHAT THE HELL? If the guy I got this info from didn’t die in surgery I would’ve killed him myself. That fall banged the crap out of my VS, Its not moving as fast as it used to, Boosters are down. It would be useless in a straight up fight. I know I got in a good shot on its left eyes, I don’t think it’ll be able to see through them. That’s a plus at least. But it gave me an Idea.”

          http://i863.photobucket.com/albums/ab191/dmnwht/TOP%20SECRET%20PLANS/3Jones.jpg

          “I say we bring the cliff down on the sucker. We’ll load up with some Mortars, Sneak in and use that wreckage in the crater for cover. Then take a few pot shots at the cliff above it, bring it down on its head. It won’t be able to hit us with its fire breath.”

          “And then BAM! TOO EASY that T-ENG is all ours.”

          • “WATER! WATER! I NEED SOME FREAKING WATER!”

            *steams rises as water is poured over red hot VS plates*

            “Ok. Your plan worked.
            The spider face didn’t see us sneak up behind the wreckage. It only looked mildly surprised when the mortars went *fhoomp!* and although I swear it shat itself when half the crater came crashing down on top of it, neither Mr spider face nor myself where prepared for the geyser of MAGMA that came shooting up mere meters – mere really freaking hot meters – from just in front of our cover.”

            “I thought you said this volcano was dormant? WHAT IS YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF DORMANT? There is a GIANT POOL full of MOLTEN SPACE ROCK where our T-ENG should be!”

            “No, don’t tell me what your about to tell me. I know what you’re going to say but please don’t say it. I have a plan; just look at the napkin, ALRIGHT?”

            http://i863.photobucket.com/albums/ab191/dmnwht/TOP%20SECRET%20PLANS/4Darius.jpg

            “Let’s go. Make sure your jetpack works.”

          • A quick trip to the hospital’s burn unit and then back at the bar.

            “Great plan, Sure. Jetpack over there, Lets not even think about how we’re gonna get all that T-ENG out of a molten Lake. But you know what the kicker was? These things LOVE heat. Should’ve known it’d still be alive. Tentacles flinging lava, Armoured hide even Harder. My bullets were melting before they even hit it. My suit is a write-off. I can barely trade it for scrap. Servos are almost fused close. Boosters melted.”

            “But lucky I know a guy who owes me, and i got an idea.”

            http://i863.photobucket.com/albums/ab191/dmnwht/TOP%20SECRET%20PLANS/5Jones.jpg

            “Ok so back when the planet was frozen I stockpiled a HEAP of liquid Nitrogen. ‘Cause you know, Who needs that in below freezing right? Cost me next to nothing and Well who’s laughing now.
            Anyway, this guy I know who owes me a favor runs the local Firehouse. We borrow two of his VS’s because lets face it, mine can barely move and yours looks about ready to fall apart.

            We Borrow two of his Fire Fighting VS’s, Load up the water tanks with liquid Nitrogen. The hoses have enough range so we should be able to sit outside the crater and spray it over the top, that thing shouldn’t be able to get us. It’ll harden the lava and create a crust over the top, trapping that thing underneath then we can just walk across the top, Drill into the safe and use the tanks on the suits to store all the T-ENG we can carry. Easy as Pie.”

          • Back in the bar, the scene shows a whole load of cheering Snow Pirates, crowding around two bruised and battered but very happy (read: drunk) dudes chugging what looks like T-ENG out of plasma cannons.

            “Tell us the story again, Jones!”
            “Go on Darius, HOW MUCH T-Eng did you guys actually score?”
            “Will you father my children?”

            “Alright guys gather round, and we will tell you the story of the best T-ENG heist ever….”

  • [PS3 – Contributors: Kenji & Selvaria]
    Sweat soaks my skin beneath the heavy amour. Tiredness sets in. I harmonize just to keep moving.
    Fresh from the akrid rolling bug onslaught, I count the losses of good men, Ozaki, Hashimoto. For what I wonder.
    Selvaria is the sole remaining member of my team despite the losses, she holds her spirits high.
    Reaching the crest of the ridge we are greeted with a beautiful vista of arching mountains and a peaceful lake, I steal a moment to take it in. As if to break me from my reverie, Selvaria and I watch in awe as a Category-G Akrid rises from the lake, engorged on T-Eng, glowing and vibrant. The spikes serve as much as a warning as much as a target. Gordiant they call it. It lets off a ground shaking roar and sends a cold shiver run through my spine as if E.D.N. III was still iced over.

    • “First things first, I’ll say hello to it while you go for the Data Post!” I run down the slope peppering the Cat-G with my Gun sword. “Over here, tall, dark and loathsome”, I yell. Gordiant lumbers on, plodding menacingly with each purposeful step towards me as I toss dummy grenades into its path. Each bullet and grenade holds it’s a attention for only a moment. But soon I realise it is really moving heading my way. Terrain is no cover the beast is too huge. It merely steps onto the hill I’ve climbed. I realise it’s intent.
      “ Kenji, I think I see a Vital Suit down there. I’ll hop in. This is one Lady Pirate who doesn’t want to be eaten!! This gatling gun should distract him.”

      • Speaking of distractions, I can’t help but glance at Selvaria’s unarmoured legs and bare midriff. There is much to appreciate about Lady Pirates; I think to myself, I bet she is glad the planet has thawed.
        I dash to the Data Post configuring it to sync with Selvaria and myself. The antenna raises and a bright blue sphere radiates around us. We feel invigorated. “This is what we’ve trained for, this is our element, we will tame this forsaken world, we are here, we kill and we kill big!”
        Like a sushi chef whose tool of trade is the yanagiba slicing ever so delicately at a beautiful piece of maguro, my tool of trade is Four Cylinder Rocket Launcher – but unlike the sushi chef, this has no finesse, just pure firepower and akird roasting potential. I load a round of rockets and aim for the protruding main spike. As I hit the launch key a wave of heat washes over me as the payload slams into to the spike forcing the retreat of the core inside.

        • I’m drawn away from my weapon scope by a massive shift in the Gordiant’s hulking form. I see it rearing on its back legs. Its spikes glowing with energy blue arcs across its back. I realise its getting ready to strike and there’s no cover for either of us at this range. “Get ready to jump!” A blasting surge echoes through the mountains. Huge feet smash to the ground. We leap avoiding the blue wave of energy. As I land I see a the Gordiant stomp back towards Kenji and score a glancing blow as he scambles back into position. “Harmonize man, Harmonize!!” I pull out the injection gun to fire some healing bolts. Kenji needs the energy for what he has to do next.

          • “Let’s concentrate fire on those legs.” I bark to Selvaria. With Gordiant stumbling, I manage to attach my Anchor to the lip and leap into Gordiant’s steaming orifice. I press forward through the belly of the beast, fighting towards my goal, to wound it from the inside and eject the core.

          • I hear muffled gunfire and explosions from inside. Gordiant arches it’s back like a ballerina and the tail sweeps upwards. I hear a loud poop sound and watch Kenji eject a mile high into the sky. “Ewww gross, I would never let that happen to me!”
            I search the ground, “Sweet, Disc grenades just what I need!” I frisbee a few of these and they embed in the knees, exploding in puffs shortly after. Switching to the single launcher I fire my volley, two limbs blast off and a third downs as Kenji joins the fray. I know where he is without looking. I can smell him from over here!

          • The Gordiant lifts its head in a final challenging bellow. I know we’ve won now. We pump rounds into the fleeing Gordiant. It dissipates into a steaming mess. I look forward to feasting upon boxes and boxes of that supple sweet akrid meat. It warms the heart to gather T-Eng, the life giver. I shout at the top of my lungs and embrace Selvaria around her exposed waist, “A toast to fallen comrades!”

          • I quickly slip away from Kenji, remembering what just happened to him before he flew through the air! “You need a bath!” There’s T-eng to consume. The precious boxes are mine, all mine!! Possibly a couple for Kenji, I think generously, “Hey, wait your eating too many!”
            I cheer and wink, “At least we’re still alive, Kenji.”
            I turn away not letting Kenji see darker thoughts. Its only one more Cat-G down and there is a long way to go with only two of us left. It’s too many of us dead too soon.

  • *A wild Akrid appeared*
    GO! BJERGI!

    Bjergi uses LEER

    *Akrid is uneffected*
    *Bjergi Faints*

    Help me i R SPaCe CaT, You’re my only hope!

    • ** We want PS3, please. Bjergi is an R-tard**

      *Orange Screen Flash*

      i R SPaCe CaT: Item–> Phoenix Down (22)
      *Bjergi gets up*

      i R SPaCe CaT: Autobattle–> Attack.

      Akrid damage: 1337
      Akrid stagger guage: 125/???

      • ** Bjergi is not an R-tard thankyou. What kind of lame name is i R SPaCe CaT, anyway?**

        Bjergi uses Tackle

        Akrid takes 14 damage. It’s not very effective.

        ***Akrid takes four steps back and roars ominously. Spittle drips down its gargantuan Incisors***

        • **Well what kid of name is Bjergi? it sounds like a girls name.**

          Paradigm shift–> PokéPistolz!

          i R SPaCe CaT: Autobattle–> ‘Nade; Pew; Pew; Pew

          Akrid damage: 100 000
          *TROPHY UNLOCKED: Limit Breaker*
          Akrid: Staggered!

          ***Akrid swipes at the two noble challengers, drawing a drop of blood from i R SPaCe CaT and many tears from Bjergi***

          • *Paradigms now shifted, Bjergi Evolves into BJERGAZOR, now towering above the wild Akrid*

            BJERGAZOR uses Pwnage

            Its Super Effective!

            *The Akrid is now severely weakened, and reveals two inconspicous red spots. In a fit of rage, the Akrid swipes at i R SPaCe Cat, cutting his pants, and revealing a pink skirt. Thankfully his mangina wasn’t injured.*

            ***For spelling purposes, if you’re interested, it’s said byur-gee, and it’s now byurg-a-zore***

          • **i R SPaCe CaT, drawing power from deep within his mangina, used SUPER PEWZ on the Akrid’s red spots**

            Commands–> SUPER PEWZ

            Stagger gauge: 999%

            *i R SPaCe CaT aims down the sights of his laser rifle and with 2 mighty pewz, shoots the inconspicous red spots. Popping like unholy pimples from hell, the spots rupture. Pus spills from the gaping wounds. BJERGAZOR rushes to lap it up.

            The Akrid stumbles, clearly ready to submit to the might of SPaCe CaT. And BJERGAZOR, I guess…*

          • *With new strength gained from the space monster pus, BJERGAZOR readies his final assault*

            BJERGAZOR uses… SPLASH!!!

            Akrid Faints.

            *Finally defeated, the Akrid topples to the ground with a deafening smash, unfortunately falling atop i R SPaCe CaT, killing him brutally and painfully.

            Pleased with his acomplishment, BJERGAZOR devolves back to Bjergi, laps up the remaining monster pus, and trots of into the distance to live happily ever after.*

            THE END.

          • ** EPILOGUE **

            Now an internationally famous Pokémon, Bjergi meets and settles down with a nice young Wobbuffet, only to contract chlamydia. And die. Bitch.

  • I know this is a bit late; because of the moderation check, me and my friend Michael (whom I’m on the phone with as this is being written) decided to do this through my pc so that I can respond to the unapproved comments 😀
    360 Pack btw please 🙂

    SO.
    We begin by equipping our rocket-propelled, razor-sharp diamond-tipped hang gliders, and precisely 4 tonnes of ice cream. The rockets are precisely calibrated to withstand this weight.
    Having prepared ourselves on either side of the beast, we plan to launch simultaneously at precisely the moment the beast wakes and stands up.

    • The monster stands up, at which moment its vision is clouded by the fires of two rockets propelling skyward. Looking up, it sees the two of us, perfectly choreographed, gliding in circles as we glide towards its head.
      As we planned, the beast is shocked and stunned by the sudden and beautiful display.
      With the monster precisely where we want it, we execute a move so perfect Mike Harker himself would provide a standing ovation.
      We come together from either side of the beast, and aiming straight for its face, we power up the rockets, detach ourselves and our 4 tonnes of ice cream, and are sent free falling directly into its nostrils, whilst our razor-diamond-tipped hang gliders lodge themselves firmly into each of the beast’s eyes, blinding it.

      • Having flown firmly into the nostrils of the beast, we begin the tedious journey into the nostril tunnel with our 4 tonnes of ice cream in tow.
        We continue on our way until we feel the floor sloping down as the nostril tunnel joins with the throat. At this point we stop, rest, and begin the next part of our plan.
        We unpack the ice cream, and begin plastering it to the ceiling of the nostrils. 🙂

        • Oh no, that didn’t work out, my friend’s entry dissapeared D:

          Don’t worry about it David; don’t bother posting my previous entry of this one. All the other entries kick our one firmly in the nads anyway xD

        • The beast, now blinded and enraged by the suddeness of the past happenings, is further enraged by its newly forming brain-freeze.
          With our several tons of ice cream, we persist in the plastering for several days.
          Driven to madness by the never-ending torture, the monster, clever enough to realise the hang-gliders are sharp, unlodges one, and uses it to commit suicide.

          • With the beast lying conveniently on its back (now dead), we climb out of its nose through clinging to its nose hairs. Emerging with now only a few kilos of ice cream, we celebrate with a few rounds of hokey pokey ice cream.
            Our job complete, we activate the reverse thrusters on the hang glider still lodged in the beast’s eye, dislodging it. With the two of us firmly attached, we blast into the air, and ride off into the sunset, six days having passed since we begun the battle.

            It was the seventh day. And we rested.

  • PS3. – a game with Bill

    My arms are in pain, my head out of control
    How did I find myself inside this hole?
    Is it December?
    Cause all I remember
    Was being eaten alive by Nicole

    • PS3.

      In all my long years as a Vietnam vet
      Being done by a witch is my only regret
      But I get ready to run
      And throw Isaac my gun
      ‘Cause that huge monster looks like a big threat!

      • With no idea how he knew my name
        I watched this beast as it slowly came
        Our chances look grim
        Unless we can cut off its limb
        So hopefully this guy can still aim!

        • Gatling gun in hand,
          Aiming for the posterior gland
          “Isaac you mute?”
          For he did not dispute,
          my time to make a stand

          • Gripping a plasma cutter.
            Voices in his head a mutter.
            Certainly not a Necromorph,
            as the worm was no dwarf.
            Limbs to be cut, need a shooter.

          • Ammo gone dry
            Monster still won’t die
            Tentacle flying,
            no use hiding
            “Isaac help!” I cry!

          • …Third, forth,fifth
            Cut-off those limbs in a sequential riff
            The worm lies still
            Freed from death is Bill
            A chance to enter its pith

          • Beneath its huge dark shadow I quake
            But jumping into its mouth is a risk I’ll take
            It’s time for hell raising
            With all guns blazing
            For I’m gonna give you a bad stomach ache!

          • Entered into the creature has Bill
            No sign of life, his last meal?
            A chopper hovers over my head,
            time to leave in his stead
            This was never part of the deal.

          • From these mutant plants I had tried to fled
            But to no avail as my gashing wound bled
            “Oh no! I’m down!”
            But there was no one around
            Have I just been left…for dead?

  • Hi there just wanted to give you a quick heads up.
    The words in your post seem to be running off the screen
    in Ie. I’m not sure if this is a formatting issue or something to do with web browser compatibility but I figured I’d
    post to let you know. The style and design look great though!
    Hope you get the problem fixed soon. Thanks

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