Kids Shouldn't Play Games About Jerking Off

NSFW: If you're a parent — or even just an all-round concerned citizen — and think games featuring cartoon violence and mild cussing is bad, spare a thought for me. One of the first ever games I played was about jerking off.

In 1984, and at the age of four, my father (rightly) realised that the future was home computers, and despite not being the wealthiest of families, then decided that the best way to embrace that future was by purchasing a Commodore 64.

As anyone who owned a C64 back in the day will tell you, when you bought a Commodore 64, you did not buy games to go with it. Instead, you went around to the home of another person who had a Commodore 64, and they gave you an enormous box of copied floppy disks.

That may sound scandalous now in an age of consumer litigation, region-locking and anti-piracy measures, but hey, it was the 1980s. That's how the Commodore 64 (and Amiga, and PC) userbase rolled.

So we got the C64 home, set it up, opened up our big new box of "borrowed" games and in no time flat we were marveling at the graphics of Aztec Challenge or the seemingly endless brutality of Frantic Freddie. For a family that had never really played video games before, ever, it was amazing stuff.

One day maybe a year or two later, though, things were a little different. Left to my own devices, and shown that all I had to do to play a game on my own was put the disk in and type "RUN", I had set about working my way through my new games collection one title at a time. In hindsight, I fumbled my way through some of a generation's finest games over that time: Impossible Mission and The Hobbit.

Most of those games came in lovely, mint paper sleeves, their names stencilled neatly on adhesive labels. One game at the back, though, did not. It was exposed, raw, naked except for a small sticker that had the word "Stroker" hastily scribbled on it. Intrigued one day (I'm pretty sure I was around four at the time), I slid the disk in and typed "RUN".]

Oh boy.

You know, it's funny now, but at the time, I had no idea what was happening. Yes, there was a giant adults-only warning (one of the first games to ever self-classify in that manner), but I was four, and couldn't read it. I was kind of sure the game had a penis in it, and even chuckled a bit as what I thought was "wee" came streaming out of it at the end. I wasn't sure why the little man's face was getting so angry all the time, but put that down to a quirk of the game.

Looking back, though, that was messed up. This was a game about nothing but jerking a guy off. That's it. The intro/title screen even says as much.

Now I am a little older and a little wiser, I know why the guy's face was so furious. Many other C64 games, like Summer Olympics, had the user move the joystick as fast as they humanly could. I figured that's how they all were meant to do it, and when put in command of Stroker that's exactly what I did. It was usually over in less than a minute. I thought that was a good thing, but what a poor boy lover I'd turned out to be.

I now know how to play the game properly. Why it's good to take things slow. Why it's bad when the thing turns blue. And why it's funny as hell it has a thing called a "Peter Meter". I also know that, having for years believed it to be the work of a shady backroom coder, this was actually a commercial product.

It's not like the event scarred me (though I guess it is kooky I still remember it to this day...then again, seeing a game like this at such a young age is bound to leave an impression). Like I said, at the time I didn't really know what was going on. But looking back, I'm amazed at a number of things. One, that somebody made a game like this. Two, that somebody giving a box of games to a family with two small kids thought it was a good idea to include a game about jerking off a dick. And three, why its creator didn't go on to bigger and better things, since "Stroker" is one of the best game names of all time.

Well, except for a game my wife's uncle made called "The Penetrator". It was a shooter. But that's another story for another day.

Total Recall is a look back at the history of video games through their characters, franchises, developers and trends.


Comments

    That is hilarious.

    LOL The innocence of kids.

    Just 2 weeks ago I fumbled through a conversation with my 8 year old son about why his junk goes hard. He originally asked my wife but she felt it was more a daddy son conversation.

      I'll never call my kid's thing "junk", just because Hollywood decided it was going to be trendy and started using it a couple of years ago. Personally I think it's demeaning to men and women both.

      Of course, you're free to use it. It's just my personal preference not to.

        "Junk"... "Thing"... Unless you call it penis, one arbitrary word is as good as another in my book and I cant see how one is more demeaning than the other.

          Personally I go for calling a penis, a penis, and keep all those 'other' words for the playground. I want my child to be able to tell me with no ambiguity if they have something to talk about with any part of their body.
          Just my two cents...
          hehehe a game about masturbation... hehehehe

            LOL
            We're commenting on an article about a game where you masturbate a digital penis.

            This IS the playground mate.

    As if kids don't have natural curiosity for such things on their own accord.

    Video games or not kids will explore on their own an with others.

    Games reflect society not the other way around.

    I remember being eight years old and playing Samantha Fox's Strip Poker on the Commodore 64. 8-bit pixelated breasts weren't very erotic.

    This boggles the mind. They released... a sex game but doesn't even have all the fun stuff. They based it on jerking off? I can do that myself!

    I remember playing this game. I was a little older than 4, probably 10 or 12.
    Took me a while to get used to it, I had a Pro 5000 Joystick (5000 or 2000) which sort of looked like a black penis with two big red buttons when you think of it in this games context.
    I was bad at it at first, stroking too fast but then realised if you took it slow the dick would flash pink for a second indicating a period you could waggle to joy a little faster.
    Do this on and off for a while remembering to pay attention when the pinck flashes happened and you would shoot a winner every time!
    I wonder why I remember that?
    It was almost as good a Samanth Fox Strip Poker!

      I forgot to mention that due to all the laughter coming from the bedroom my Mother investigated and caught us playing it.
      She was outraged! She dobbed on us to Dad. He laughed, thought it was big joke and went back to work in the garage...we kept playing, got bored, and then loaded Boulder Dash instead.

    I need to have a Peter Meter beside my bed.

    I think the funniest inclusion to this article is the fact that the image of the extremely low quality pixelated penis has itself been pixelated for censorship reasons. ^^

    looking at that image i'm a little perplexed. The characters face is brown and hand is brown; but penis is pink all over?

    Does the penis start out brown? Or is this the very first interracial gay porn video game?

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