Pretend Toilets In Video Games

Having another crack at Heavy Rain. I'll give it this much, it's certainly unlike anything else I've ever played but to be honest, once the novelty of being able to make this dude take a piss in pretty much every scene he's in wears off the frustration of not being able to make him CALL THE POLICE is massive.

For a game that leans so heavily on story to keep you playing it could have used another 20 or 30 rewrites.


Still, digital pissing.

I'm not 100% sure what the first ever video game toilet I encountered was (probably Jet Set Willy. Or How To Be A Complete Bastard, that would definitely have had a toilet in it) but Red Dead Redemption is almost certainly the first time I've ever encountered an in game arc of piss. Feels like I rarely play a game that doesn't feature at least one toilet in it, nice to see this one get some use. More so than my actual toilet probably, given that my sick old arse refuses to let anything go these days.

Anyway, modern video games are fucking OBSESSED with toilets. They are everywhere. I saw this bad boy less than five minutes into Rage.

Just the other day I was playing the latest Deus Ex, a game about "the ethics of transhumanism, of humanity's reach exceeding its grasp" and was faced with this:

Mostly though I never in my life thought I'd live long enough to see, nor did I particularly ever want to see where Link has a shit.

Some poor fucker has to build all these digital bogs.

Michael J Dolan is a stand up comedian who plays games more than he works. You can see more of his stuff at Dress to Depress.

Republished with permission.


    I remember playing around with the Crysis (original) sandbox tool and finding the command to make the npc actors urinate.

    I thought it was hilarious watching a korean soldier I scripted to walk to the end of a warf, and start taking a leak on a pile of explosive barrels... which I then shot.

    I had a bad experience with video game toilets once. I'm not sure which game it was exactly but it was a horror game. I think I repressed it from my memory or something but I know something really scary, a 'jump moment' occurred in a video game toilet. Ever since then, whenever I go into a digital dunny I get a sense of trepidation and fear.

      I want to say Silent Hill 1...for some reason, the sound of radio static in the loo always makes me uneasy ever since I played that game.

        I do remember in the school, in one of the toilets, when walk in you hear a girl crying. Scared the crap outta me the first time I heard it. I love that game so much. :)

    Loses points for not talking about fallout, dead rising and Conker's bad fur day, but gains points for Skyward Sword.

      Fallout is the only one that follows Bear Gryll's advice, though.

    Postal 2. Watched my friend playing it in high school shocked me quite a bit.

    I remember reading something about in the first 3 Resident Evil games, there was only 1 toilet in all of Racoon City; and it only appears in RE2

    I don't like when a game lets you use a toilet but doesn't let you wash your hands.

      I don't like when a game lets you use a toilet but doesn't let you wash your face.

    "Mostly though I never in my life thought I’d live long enough to see, nor did I particularly ever want to see where Link has a shit."

    There was a toilet in Majora's Mask, although there's no reason to think Link actually used it.
    Especially when there's a guy stuck in there (or is it just a disembodied arm?)

    What, no mention of Duke Nukem 3D?
    "Ahhh, much better."
    10+ HP once a level! IT SERVED A PURPOSE.

      That was probably my first experience with a digital toilet. I found it very humorous back then.

    Don't forget Splinter Cell: Conviction, where you smash a guys face into a urinal reall good

    How To Be A Complete Bastard! I haven't thought of that game in years! I played it off a cover tape from Amstrad Action I think.

    Tyre+superglue+toilet seat = Massive points!

    ahhhh , good old postal 2, the only game where u can set someone on fire, knock their burning head off with a shovel then play soccer with the burning head until you decide to put it out by unzipping and pissing on it...

      There's an audience for that???!

      Main ones I thought of were Dead Rising 2 and No More Heroes which use the toilets as save points - which seems about right...

      I can't beleive they put a toilet in Zelda - that's like putting a toilet in the Mickey Mouse clubhouse

    I dunno if anyone else noticed but link ain't wearin no undies

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